


The Spice Girls: Take 3

by Beewachan



Series: Series 2: Second Generation Captains [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, M/M, Second Generation Captains, chatfic, does this qualify as shock humor, golly sorry there r so many relationship tags, groupchat, neither, or blue comedy, poor drawings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2019-10-05 05:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beewachan/pseuds/Beewachan
Summary: (14:48) everything nice:ùwú(14:48) Mommy:You did not just do that.(14:48) everything nice:give me the belt. i dare you. ùwú





	1. i still love cum and romaine lettuce

**Author's Note:**

  * For [decoyshouyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/decoyshouyo/gifts).



> If you have any expectations, drop them.
> 
> NaCl: Shirabu Kenjirou  
> 2.5braincells: Usuri Michiru  
> Mommy: Akaashi Keiji  
> Daddy: Miya Atsumu  
> mr. director: Ennoshita Chikara  
> everything nice: Yamamoto Taketora  
> spice daddy: Terushima Yuuji  
> futafuckme: Futakuchi Kenji  
> #1: Sakusa Kiyoomi  
> halfpint: Hoshiumi  
> Yahaba: Yahaba Shigeru

**Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)**

(14:45) Daddy: guys idk if u know this

(14:45) halfpint: wha

(14:45) Daddy: i have another volleyball captain friend and he found out we have a gc and he’s offended

(14:45) halfpint:  obviously not cool enough to be in our gc if he isnt already in it dumbdumb

(14:46) Daddy: hoshiumi

(14:46) halfpint: can u not use multiple messages to say 1 thing

(14:46) Daddy: no  
(14:46) Daddy: i already added him bc he said he was gonna dick down samu if i don’t and then samu said he’d put a lock on the fridge if i didn’t add him

(14:46) 2.5braincells: Hi, my name is Usuri Michiru!  
(14:46) 2.5braincells: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT SIRI AUTOTYPED MY NAME!!!!  
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Who’s who?  
(14:46) 2.5braincells: (Still gonna dick down Osamu, jus sayin’)

_14:47 Mommy has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls._

(14:47) Daddy: keiji why

(14:47) Mommy: He’s a sociopath.

(14:47) Daddy: but he’s my friend

(14:47) Mommy: Why didn’t you tell me you were friends?

(14:47) Daddy: didn’t know u needed to know all of my friends

(14:47) Mommy: You know I don’t like him.

(14:48) futafuckme: OH NO MOM AND DAD R FIGHRING :(

(14:48) Daddy: fuck off

(14:48) halfpint: stop fighting ur scaring us :(((

(14:48) everything nice: ùwú

(14:48) Mommy: You did not just do that.

(14:48) everything nice: give me the belt. i dare you. ùwú

(14:49) Daddy: leave keiji alone only i can harass him

(14:49) Mommy: This is why I didn’t want to date you.

(14:49) Daddy: KEIJI IM HURT

(14:49) halfpint: WAIT

(14:49) Daddy: NO

(14:49) halfpint: CAN I ADD USURI BACK  
(14:50) halfpint: PLEASE

(14:50) everything nice: they didnt wait theyre probably doing that stupid couple thing they do where they call and resolve their issues all healthily and shit

(14:50) futafuckme: smh  
(14:50) futafuckme: couples  
(14:50) futafuckme: why do you wanna add usuri back anyway, hoshi  
(14:50) futafuckme: it’s not like we don’t already have ten kids #2many in the chat

(14:50) halfpint: u dont mean it u love us and u know it

(14:50) futafuckme: alright, i confess  
(14:51) futafuckme: i fucking love you guys, but if you tell anyone, ur gonna die

(14:51) halfpint: ur secrets safe with me sir  


(14:51) futafuckme: but you never answered me

(14:51) halfpint: hes my friend too sort of  
(14:51) halfpint: even tho i think kaaashi is right abt him being a sociopath  
(14:51) halfpint: i got a squish on him

(14:51) futafuckme: the fuck is a squish

(14:51) halfpint: u know  
(14:51) halfpint: that… thing

(14:51) futafuckme: ur fucking weird  
(14:52) futafuckme: how does it feel to be called weird by a fucking weirdo

(14:52) halfpint: omg  
(14:52) halfpint: DAD COME BACK IM BEING BULLIED

(14:52) Daddy: okay 1) i'm not your dad i'd make a terrible parent  
(14:52) Daddy: 2) keiji said we can add usuri back but  
(14:52) Daddy: he has to behave himself and i have to bake keiji cookies  
(14:52) Daddy: 3) idk how to bake

(14:52) halfpint: bet thousand yen usuri does  
(14:52) halfpint: hes into that gay shit

(14:53) futafuckme: he’s testing u miya

(14:53) Daddy: r u fr  
(14:53) Daddy: so we can't add usuri back

(14:53) futafuckme: lmao no we can have player 11  
(14:53) futafuckme: he’s testing if ur willing to learn how to bake for him

(14:53) Daddy: wut

(14:53) futafuckme: that would show Effort and Love and Loyalty

(14:53) Daddy: u sure ur not reading too much into it

(14:54) futafuckme: idk i used to test my bf like that

(14:54) Daddy: how’d that work out for you

(14:54) futafuckme: well,  
(14:54) futafuckme: you see,  
(14:54) futafuckme: fuck you, miya atsumu

(14:54) Daddy: no thanks, i still have a boyfriend

(14:54) NaCl: leave futakuchi alone

(14:54) Daddy: sorry futakuchi

(14:54) futafuckme: sure wtv love u

(14:54) Daddy: ily2

(14:54) NaCl: i hate usuri

(14:54) futafuckme: why does everyone hate him

(14:55) Daddy: hoshiumi and i don’t  
(14:55) Daddy: sort of

(14:55) NaCl: “sort of”  
(14:55) NaCl: he’s Next Level prick like Beyond Miya Atsumu Level prick

(14:55) Daddy: BUT HES SO FUN

(14:55) Mommy: He’s a bad influence.

(14:55) futafuckme: is he hot

(14:55) halfpint: i mean  
(14:55) halfpint: i haven’t thought about it

(14:55) Mommy: No

(14:55) NaCl: he’s cute not hot

(14:56) futafuckme: pic

(14:56) NaCl:

__

(14:56) futafuckme: and didn’t u say u have a squish on him hoshi

(14:56) NaCl: what the fuck is a squish

(14:56) Daddy: care to explain why u have a picture of michiru in a bikini bottom and those nerd glasses from claires, shirabu?

(14:56) NaCl: no

(14:57) halfpint: a squish is like a friendship crush  
(14:57) halfpint: like u wanna be close to someone but as a friend  
(14:57) halfpint: u have it before u become friends

(14:57) Daddy: wow gay

(14:57) halfpint: SHUT UP MIYA UR LIKE A BAJILLION TIMEAZ GAYER THAN ME

(14:57) futafuckme: u know he says that shit just for ur reaction right

(14:57) halfpint: RIGHT IM NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE BULLY WHAT HE WANTA MY BAD  
(14:57) halfpint: BUT MIYAS SO ANNOYING

(14:57) Daddy: no, i’m not. idk what ur talking abt

(14:57) Mommy: You’re annoying.

(14:58) Daddy:  :(

(14:58) futafuckme: y u gotta guilt trip ur bf with that sad emoticon

(14:58) Daddy: rxcuse me

(14:58) futafuckme: i mean i feel bad looking at that cute lil frowny face and i didn’t do shit so

(14:58) Daddy: fuck  
(14:58) Daddy: KEIJI I DIDNT MEAN IT

_14:58 Mommy has added 2.5braincells to The Spice Girls._

(14:59) 2.5braincells: Thanks for the warm welcome, sexy. ;)

_14:59 Mommy has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls._

(14:59) Mommy: I hate him.

(14:59) Daddy: keiji, please :(  
(14:59) Daddy: i can’t live with a lock on the fridge :(

(14:59) Mommy: Fuck you.

(14:59) Daddy: i love you too

_14:59 Mommy has added 2.5braincells to The Spicegirls._

(14:59) 2.5braincells: Am I back for good?

(14:59) Mommy: Unfortunately.

(14:59) futafuckme: hi, mr. usuri i’ve heard nothing but bad things

(14:50) 2.5braincells: WHAT?????!!!???!

(14:50) halfpint: usuri is a good person off the court guys

(14:50) Mommy: You’re lying, Hoshiumi.

(14:50) halfpint: IM SERIOUS  
(14:50) halfpint: HE VOLUNTEERS AT A CAT SHELTER

(14:50) 2.5braincells: Fuck yeah, I do.  
(14:50) 2.5braincells:  

Here’s Felix. He has a tiny ass face, I just wanna eat him.

(14:50) Mommy: Please don’t eat any cats.

(14:50) 2.5braincells: OMG I WAS  
(14:50) 2.5braincells: NOT LITERALLY  
(14:50) 2.5braincells: I’m on a strict cum diet, thanks.  
(14:50) 2.5braincells: And romaine lettuce.

(14:51) futafuckme: i feel like u would’ve gotten along w the old terushima

(14:51) NaCl: what do you mean “the old terushima”

(14:51) futafuckme: the pre-kawanishi terushima

(14:51) NaCl: oh the extra slutty terushima

(14:51) spice daddy: wtf are u talking about i still love cum and romaine lettuce  
(14:51) spice daddy: i mean i can only get cum from 1 other cock but i still fucking love it

(14:51) 2.5braincells: I like you.

(14:51) spice daddy: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND  
(14:51) spice daddy: god u have no idea how long ive been waiting to say that

(14:52) 2.5braincells: I have three; I win.

(14:52) spice daddy: I USED TO HAVE 17 I AM THE SUPREME WINNER

(14:52) 2.5braincells: Fuck.

(14:52) #1: Who let Michiru in this chat?

(14:52) 2.5braincells: Your boyfriend.

_14:52 #1 has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls._

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(14:45) 2.5braincells: So… I feel like I’m a needle intruding in a whole tight-knit friendship circle.

(14:45) Yahaba: Then why are you still here?

(14:45) 2.5braincells: GOSH, your name is so familiar!  
(14:45) 2.5braincells: I just can’t put my finger on where I know you from!

(14:45) Yahaba: Does anyone else really dislike the way he types?

(14:45) everything nice: yes

(14:45) mr. director: it’s amusing

(14:46) 2.5braincells: Always glad to entertain! ;)

(14:46) Yahaba: God, you’re such a cocksucker

(14:46) 2.5braincells: You see, mister Yahaba Shigeru, I think the term “cocksucker” should carry a positive connotation, and therefore, I thank you for your kind words!

(14:46) Yahaba: Use an exclamation point one more fucking time

(14:46) 2.5braincells: Your wish is my command!

(14:46) Yahaba: If you lived on the mainland, I would find you, and I would choke you

(14:46) 2.5braincells: Ooh, you’re kinky! What else would you do to me, daddy?

(14:46) NaCl: has anyone ever told you that you overuse the word “daddy”

(14:47) 2.5braincells: Your boyfriend.

(14:47) NaCl: jokes on you, i don’t have one as of two hours ago

(14:47) 2.5braincells: You and Osamu broke up?

(14:47) NaCl: what makes you think we were ever together

(14:47) 2.5braincells:  
Me: Hi, fineass!  
Osamu: I have a boyfriend.  
Me: And his name is Usuri Michiru!  
Osamu: No, it’s Shirabu Kenjirou.

**Chat: Private Message (Miya Osamu and NaCl)**

(14:47) NaCl: why does usuri think i’m your boyfriend

(14:47) Miya Osamu: Please lie for me.

(14:47) NaCl: you owe me  
(14:47) NaCl: like, actually this time. u can't just send me pics of ur neighbors cat as compensation

(14:47) Miya Osamu: Sure thing.

**Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)**

(14:47) NaCl: right, i forgot i had another boyfriend

(14:48) 2.5braincells: I think you forgetting about him is proof you should hand him over to me.

(14:48) NaCl: no, fuck you

(14:48) 2.5braincells: Please, I’ve been so bored and thirsty since Wakatsu left!

(14:48) NaCl: take it up with the boyfriend

(14:48) futafuckme: wait  
(14:48) futafuckme: shirabu had one boyfriend yesterday  
(14:48) futafuckme: but today he got dumped and he still has one boyfriend  
(14:48) futafuckme: america explain

(14:49) NaCl: shut up futakuchi you don’t know me

(14:49) futafuckme: i’m coming over and showing you just how well i know you

(14:49) NaCl: don’t you dare

(14:49) 2.5braincells: Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but I believe that’s code for “I’m going to fuck your brains out.” I’m confused. Isn’t Shirabu dating Osamu and that hot emo guy who graduated?

(14:49) Mommy: Yes, but Kenjirou and Futakuchi engage in intercourse once in a while. Together. We don’t talk about it.

(14:49) 2.5braincells: I know you hate me, Akaashi, and I get why after I tried to crush your spirit last year, but can we still be friends?

(14:50) Mommy: Not interested.

(14:50) 2.5braincells: :(

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(22:08) everything nice: anyone wanna hang outsaturday

(22:08) halfpint: hellyeah i do  
(22:09) halfpint: whatcha wanna do

(22:09) everything nice: make memes of our friends and twerk on the street at ginza in fake gucci

(22:09) halfpint: solid also can we go to kuguris house j wanna pet his snakes again

(22:09) everything nice: fuck yeah

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(23:48) spice daddy: CAN I COME PLS

(23:48) futafuckme: isn’t that a question you should be asking kawanishi

(23:48) spice daddy: no kawanishi doesn’t care if i  
(23:48) spice daddy: oh  
(23:48) spice daddy: LOL FUCK YOU  
(23:48) spice daddy: I DONT BEG I JUST WAIT FOR HIS PERMISSION

(23:49) futafuckme: you’re such a good boyfriend

(23:49) spice daddy: lmao what about u do u ask shirabu before u can come

(23:49) futafuckme: it’s not like that

(23:49) spice daddy: y the fuck u lying  
(23:49) spice daddy: ur probably with him rn u horny fuck

(23:49) futafuckme: i didn’t mean we aren’t fucking; we obviously are, but i meant we don’t do that kinky shit

(23:49) spice daddy: BS  
(23:49) spice daddy: BET U CHOKE HIM  
(23:50) spice daddy: BET HE ASKS U TO

(23:50) NaCl:

__

yeah, and i fucking like it

(23:50) spice daddy: is that  
(23:50) spice daddy: did u just send me whats supposed to be futakuchis hand around ur neck  
(23:50) spice daddy: SHIRABU KENJIROU U WERE SO INNOCENT YESTERDAY WHAT HAPPENED TO U MY SWEET LIL BABY ALL GROWN

(23:50) NaCl: the first dose of dick changes you

(23:50) 2.5braincells: MUST BE NICE!

(23:50) spice daddy: ur cute id give u ur first dose of dick but im in a committed relationship

(23:51) 2.5braincells: :(

(23:51) futafuckme: what happened to ur 3 bfs

(23:51) 2.5braincells: A sad lie!

(23:51) futafuckme: sad  
(23:51) futafuckme: i wanna make a sex tape and be like kim k

(23:51) NaCl: what the fuck is wrong with you it could end up ruining your life instead of making you like kim k

(23:51) futafuckme: why are we texting in a group chat when we r right next to each other

(23:51) NaCl: idk go home already

(23:51) futafuckme: you rly thought

(23:52) 2.5braincells: I know I’m not supposed to mention it, but isn’t Osamu upset about you and Futakuchi fucking, Shirabu?

(23:52) NaCl: gfy

(23:52) 2.5braincells: Someone please give me the rundown of relationship dynamics in this group chat.

(23:52) #1: Atsumu has been flirting with Akaashi since before the chat; they are now dating, and Yamamoto won the bet for how long it would take for them to get together. Akaashi is Atsumu’s tsundere, according to Komori. Ennoshita is in a happy, healthy relationship with Tanaka Ryuunosuke, but Futakuchi had a crush on him for a fleeting moment.  
(23:52) #1: Futakuchi is in an open relationship with a frat boy named Kamasaki. They love each other very much but are bad at expressing it. Futakuchi has a crush on Shirabu. Shirabu apparently just got dumped by his ex Semi, whom he was in an open relationship with. He and Futakuchi have had sex multiple times whilst in open relationships. Before having his first boyfriend, Shirabu had a sexual encounter with Miya Osamu. Osamu is in unrequited love with Shirabu. They’re fake dating because Osamu doesn’t return your feelings —just Komori’s guess.  
(23:53) #1: Terushima is dating Shirabu’s teammate, Kawanishi. He had a total of 32 boyfriends and girlfriends at once and now is down to one boyfriend. However, Terushima and Futakuchi still flirt. They do not engage in sexual acts as far as I know.  
(23:53) #1: Hoshiumi has a crush on his friend, pineapple, whom he’s going to his winter formal with. Yamamoto is on and off with Kinoshita of Karasuno. Hoshiumi and Yamamoto act very gay with each other, but they’re just friends.  
(23:53) #1: Yahaba is in a sometimes-happy, sometimes-unhappy relationship with Kyoutani, his teammate. They fight, but Yahaba says they love each other.  
(23:53) #1: That’s the relationship run-down, from what I can see, that is.

(23:53) 2.5braincells: You’re so observant, Sakusa. Tell me who fucks with who.

(23:54) #1: The intelligent: Akaashi, Yahaba, Shirabu (arguably), and Ennoshita. The foolish: Terushima, Futakuchi, Hoshiumi, Yamamoto, and Atsumu.

(23:54) 2.5braincells: Which subgroup should I join?

(23:54) #1: Probably the one you already have two friends in.

(23:54) 2.5braincells: But I have two friends in each if we’re friends and you’re part of the Intelligent™, right??

(23:54) #1: We’re very loosely friends.

(23:54) 2.5braincells: But we’re still friends!!!

(23:54) #1: Komori says I shouldn’t be your friend, so goodnight.

(23:55) 2.5braincells: :( I miss you already.

(23:55) Daddy: go to sleep already usuri

(23:55) 2.5braincells: What are you doing up, kind sir?

(23:55) Daddy: eatin puddin

(23:55) 2.5braincells: Vanilla or chocolate?

(23:55) Daddy: mix

(23:55) 2.5braincells: Cool. How’s your brother?

(23:55) Daddy: usuri istg if u ask me about him 1 more time im blocking u on everything and then logging into all his socials and blocking u on his too

(23:56) 2.5braincells: WOW, it was just a QUESTION!!!!  
(23:56) 2.5braincells: I’ll just thirst tweet at him then.

(23:56) Daddy: sounds like a plan

(23:56) 2.5braincells: Wanna come over this weekend and feed ducks bread?  
(23:56) 2.5braincells: (Aka plan the downfall of our enemies)  
(23:56) 2.5braincells: (And take a photo shoot for your Insta)  
(23:56) 2.5braincells: Actually, can I come over?

(23:56) Daddy: yeah but u have to tell me why shirabu has a pic of u in a bikini

(23:56) 2.5braincells: Sure, but you have to tell me how you know my glasses were from Claire’s.

(23:57) Daddy: deal  
(23:57) Daddy: just gotta make sure the bf’s okay w it first

(23:57) 2.5braincells: Has Akaashi turned you into such a neuter that you can’t make decisions on your own?

(23:57) Daddy: stfu  
(23:57) Daddy: if u had a bf as fine as mine u wouldn’t wanna piss him off either

(23:57) 2.5braincells: I suppose you’re right. Help me find a boyfriend.

(23:57) Daddy: can we make u a tinder i’ve always wanted to swipe on one

(23:57) 2.5braincells: Yeah, I have nothing to lose except my dignity.  
(23:58) 2.5braincells: Just kidding, my dignity’s long gone.

(23:58) Daddy: mood


	2. Safe Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuji seeks advice  
> usuri is thirsty  
> ennoshita has a new pet

(03:19) 2.5braincells: Petition to start a “it’s okay to date your friend’s siblings” rule?

(03:19) futafuckme: that will never be okay unless you’ve been friends for like a million years and your friend explicitly says it’s okay

(03:20) 2.5braincells: Fuck that shit.

(03:20) futafuckme: let it go it was never gonna happen anyway

(03:20) 2.5braincells: Okay, but…  
(03:20) 2.5braincells: I like him so much.

(03:20) futafuckme: shhhhh  
(03:20) futafuckme: forget about it

(03:20) 2.5braincells: Yes, sir.

(03:20) futafuckme: what’s up w ur name btw

(03:20) 2.5braincells: Unnan changed my name to 2braincells last year when he got mad at me for saying that I ship him and Mami, and I added the .5 to annoy him more.

(03:21) futafuckme: fr i just thought it was overcompensation

(03:21) 2.5braincells: You guys are so mean. I don’t know why I asked to be in this chat.

(03:21) futafuckme: what  
(03:21) futafuckme: do u mean to tell me u don’t love it here because a bitch will take u out

(03:21) 2.5braincells: I love it here so much. I’ve never had so many friends before.

(03:21) futafuckme: he really thinks we’re friends

(03:21) halfpint: everythings going according 2 plan

(03:21) 2.5braincells: Why do I get the sense I’m missing something?

(03:22) futafuckme: quiet child

(03:22) 2.5braincells: I’ve only been here two days, and I know you act like you’re two. Don’t call me a child.

(03:22) futafuckme: wtf where did all this come from

(03:22) 2.5braincells: I’m sorry. Please don’t kick me out again; my mom says I have to make three friends before the new year.

(03:22) futafuckme: goodnight, usuri

(03:22) 2.5braincells: Goodnight! <3

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(10:37) spice daddy: gm friends  
(10:37) spice daddy: guess what i got kawanishi for our three month anniversary

(10:37) NaCl: a break up letter

(10:37) spice daddy: u wish  
(10:37) spice daddy: nope I GOT HIM ABSOLUTELY NOTHINF BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GET HIM IVE NEVER BEEN IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP BEFORE PLS HELP

(10:38) NaCl: i’m bad at keeping boys ask someone else

(10:38) spice daddy: buuuuut he’s ur friend don’t u know the shit he likes

(10:38) NaCl: he likes hot slutty guys with piercings, kids, and volleyball

(10:38) spice daddy: PERFECT ILL GIVE HIM MY BASTARD BROTHER FROM THAILAND

(10:38) NaCl: you’re so fucked up  
(10:38) NaCl: i think he wants a tattoo of his cat  
(10:38) NaCl: take him to the tattoo parlor

(10:38) spice daddy: okay so heres what im thinking  
(10:39) spice daddy: pick him up get in the car smoke some weed give him a whole baggie as a gift blindfold him then drive him to the tattoo parlor let him get the tattoo then get bubble tea because he likes that gay stuff and then birthday sex with this fancy red rope I bought and a matching whip

(10:39) NaCl: yeah, he’ll enjoy that  
(10:39) NaCl: but i thought u were the denominator

(10:39) spice daddy: yes yes i am  
(10:39) spice daddy: im gonna tie him up and ride him like a fucking pony

(10:40) NaCl: but what about the whip

(10:40) spice daddy: thats for foreplay obvi  
(10:40) spice daddy: hes a tad masochistic

(10:40) NaCl: alright have fun don’t hurt him tho i need him

(10:40) spice daddy: ;) no promises

(10:40) NaCl: terushima.

(10:40) spice daddy: iLl be fucking gentle relax

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(18:59) 2.5braincells: So,

(18:59) Yahaba: So

(18:59) 2.5braincells: it’s just occurred to me that I have no idea what half of you look like!  
(19:00) 2.5braincells: I’ve just been imagining spice, a hot boy, rainbows, a director with the fancy French hat, and one of those fuck me dolls!

(19:00) Yahaba: Sounds like an accurate assessment

(19:00) 2.5braincells: But I thought Futakuchi was a top!

(19:00) Yahaba: Just duct tape a dildo on it

(19:00) 2.5braincells: Okay, cool.

(19:00) Yahaba:

 

(19:01) 2.5braincells: Is that all of you guys?

(19:01) Yahaba: No, those are just 10 strangers that I have a picture of

(19:01) 2.5braincells: You thought you could fool me, but I know what Sakusa, Atsumu, Hoshiumi, Shirabu and Akaashi look like!

(19:01) Yahaba: I’m exiting this conversation; you’re too much

(19:01) 2.5braincells: WHAT?!!!!  
(19:01) 2.5braincells: SOMEONE HAS TO TELL ME WHO EVERYONE IS IN THE PICS  
(19:01) 2.5braincells: FRIEND HELP

(19:02) Daddy: futakuchi is on the end next to Ennoshita, in the director hat

(19:02) 2.5braincells: I meant Shirabu, but I guess we’re friends, too.

(19:02) Daddy: WE AREN’T FRIENDS ANYMORE THEN

(19:02) 2.5braincells: ATSUMU I DIDNT MWAN IT I WAS KIDDING UR MY BEST FRIEND STOP  
(19:02) 2.5braincells: Atsumu  
(19:04) 2.5braincells: Atsumu  
(19:06) 2.5braincells: Atsumu, please come back.

(19:06) Mommy: Don’t call my boyfriend by his given name.

(19:06) 2.5braincells: WHY CAN SAKUSA CALL HIM ATSUMU BUT I CANT

(19:06) Mommy: Primarily because I don’t like you.

(19:07) 2.5braincells: At least tell me who the Mohawk man is.  
(19:07) 2.5braincells: Can I be wild and take a guess?

(19:07) Mommy: Go ahead.

(19:07) 2.5braincells: Yahaba.

(19:07) Mommy: LOL  
(19:07) Mommy: No.

(19:07) 2.5braincells: Yahaba has the undercut. spice daddy has the innocent bottom eyes, and Mohawk man is everything nice.

(19:07) Mommy: Well, you got Yamamoto correct.

(19:08) 2.5braincells: ONE POINT FOR MICHIRU!

(19:08) Mommy: Minus two points for getting a Yahaba and Terushima wrong.

(19:08) 2.5braincells: Curse you

 

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(11:13) 2.5braincells: I just drove past the third hottest guy I’ve ever seen.  
(11:13) 2.5braincells: And he looked at me and smiled; I think I’m going to faint in my car.

(11:14) Daddy: bet he doesn’t like u

(11:14) 2.5braincells: YOU’RE JEALOUS

(11:14) Daddy: why would i be jealous if my boyfriend is the hottest guy you’ve ever seen

(11:14) 2.5braincells: NEGATIVE  
(11:14) 2.5braincells: HE'S THE SECOND  
(11:14) 2.5braincells: OSAMU IS THE FIRST

(11:14) Daddy: :( but we’re identical

(11:14) 2.5braincells: Osamu has a completely different energy. Big dick energy.  
(11:15) 2.5braincells: You have bottom energy. You are therefore cute but not hot.

(11:15) Daddy: ihy

(11:15) 2.5braincells: Ily.

(11:15) Daddy: ily2

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(16:15) 2.5braincells: THE THIRD HOTTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IS USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI’S COUSIN.

(16:15) NaCl: and how did you discover this

(16:15) 2.5braincells: EASY. I GOOGLED “third hottest guy I’ve ever seen.”  
(16:15) 2.5braincells: KIDDING, I JUST ASKED HONDO THE NAME OF HIS HOT NEIGHBOR AND STALKED HIM ON INSTAGRAM.

(16:16) NaCl: r u gonna hit him up

(16:16) 2.5braincells: LOL what, why would I do that?

(16:16) NaCl: bye

 

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(15:02) futafuckme: guys i just saw the cutest little fuck  
(15:02) futafuckme: he came into the convenience store and there was an old dude walking toward the door so the kid fucking goes back and he like pushes it but the person is walking too slow so he says fuck it and lets go of the door  
(15:03) futafuckme: he was so cute i wanna adopt him so bad

(15:03) spice daddy: kids r overrated 10/10 would not recommend

(15:03) futafuckme: what do u know  
(15:03) futafuckme: ur only experience is with ur siblings n they’re born to hate u smh

(15:03) #1: Am I the only one who wouldn’t trust Futakuchi with a child?

(15:03) NaCl: no, no, you’re not  
(15:03) NaCl: futakuchi please don’t take other people’s children  
(15:03) NaCl: you’re not financially fit to raise a child

(15:04) futafuckme: fuck u my sugar daddy begs to differ

(15:04) spice daddy: where r u gonna put the kid when ur off sucking ur sugar daddy’s dick

(15:04) futafuckme: the other room

(15:04) spice daddy: fuck no give it to me

(15:04) #1: Did you not just say children are overrated?

(15:04) spice daddy: sakusa idk where all this sass came from all this sudden

(15:04) #1: Usuri

(15:04) NaCl: i think whenever something goes wrong we should blame it on usuri

(15:04) #1: Seconded.

(15:04) futafuckme: whatever u say cutie pie

(15:05) spice daddy: ^

(15:05) NaCl: oh, fuck off

(15:05) #1: Usuri, I can't believe you would let Shirabu get harassed with cute nicknames in our Safe Zone group chat.

(15:05) 2.5braincells: I ain’t do shit.

(15:05) Mommy: How could you, Michiru?

 

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(17:12) 2.5braincells: Imsryatsumubut your brother’s so fucking hot.

(17:12) Daddy: can you please talk to literally fucking anyone but me about how hot my brother is?

(17:12) 2.5braincells: No.  
(17:12) 2.5braincells: Not until you give me his number.

(17:12) Daddy: hes just going to block you

(17:12) 2.5braincells: I won’t text him, I swear!

(17:13) Daddy: THEN WHATS THE POINT OF HAVING IT

(17:13) 2.5braincells: WHAT IF WHEN WE HANG OUT YOU HAVE AN EMERGENCY AND ARE ABOUT TO DIE

(17:13) Daddy: THEN TELL SIRI TO CALL MY MOM

(17:13) 2.5braincells: I’M GOING TO ASK SIRI WHAT YOUR BROTHER’S NUMBER IS

(17:13) Daddy: YOU WONT BE ABLE TO GUESS MY CONTACT NAME FOR HIM

(17:13) 2.5braincells: DIPSHIT TWIN

(17:13) Daddy: WRONG

(17:13) 2.5braincells: THE BETTER LOOKING TWIN

(17:13) Daddy: GO FUCK YOURSELF

(17:13) 2.5braincells: ATSUMU, I’M SORRY!

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(21:38) NaCl: i want a boyfriend

(21:38) 2.5braincells: Isn’t your boyfriend the boy of my dreams?

(21:38) NaCl: yeah, but he doesn’t count

(21:38) 2.5braincells: You know, hate is a strong word, so I’m just going to say that I Intensely Dislike you, Shirabu Kenjirou.

(21:38) NaCl: you tried to kiss me the last time we hung out shut up

(21:39) 2.5braincells: I WAS ROOFIED!!

(21:39) NaCl: by yourself

(21:39) 2.5braincells: IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE SOLD ME THE WRONG DRUGS!!!!!

(21:39) NaCl: okay, alan

(21:39) 2.5braincells: Shirabu, be my boyfriend.

(21:39) NaCl: but you’re a bottom

(21:39) 2.5braincells: I can fucking switch.

(21:39) NaCl: idk i wouldn’t fuck you  
(21:40) NaCl: maybe futakuchi would

(21:40) 2.5braincells: Okay, I get it. Realistically, I wouldn’t fuck you either, but, like, I want someone to go on dates with.

(21:40) NaCl: fine, but i’m not paying bc i’m broke

(21:40) 2.5braincells: OMG WE’RE GONNA GO ON A DATE!!!!

(21:40) NaCl: only if there’s food involved

(21:40) 2.5braincells: Of course there’ll be food; otherwise, I’d be a terrible date.

(21:40) NaCl: alright, i want french food

(21:41) 2.5braincells: McDonalds.

(21:41) NaCl: absolutely horrible date

(21:41) 2.5braincells: I’ll get you seven orders of French fries.

(21:41) NaCl: smh you’re like a fucking dad

(21:41) 2.5braincells: Did you just dadzone me?

(21:41) NaCl: yeah

(21:42) 2.5braincells: I’m going to fuck your boyfriend. That’s final.

(21:42) NaCl: buy him dinner first

(21:42) 2.5braincells: Obviously.

(21:42) NaCl: he’ll be thinking about me when he’s with you

(21:42) 2.5braincells: You’re so mean!!!!!! :((((

(21:42) NaCl: sorry

 

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(23:00) Daddy: you’re not fucking my brother michiru that’s against bro code

(23:00) 2.5braincells: What if I take him on a date first?

(23:00) Daddy: maybe but only if he wants it

(23:00) 2.5braincells: That goes without saying.

(23:01) Daddy: no roofies

(23:01) 2.5braincells: I THIUGJT THEY WERE ECSTASY ATSUMU WE TALKED ABOUT THIS AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD THEM

(23:01) Daddy: lmao i love u

(23:01) 2.5braincells: Oh, Atsumu! You flatter me so! Stop it!!!!

(23:01) Daddy: no  
(23:01) Daddy: im not just gonna shower u im gonna fucking drown u with love n friendship

(23:01) 2.5braincells: Actually stop it! Your boyfriend’s going to get jealous!

(23:01) Daddy: oh shit we’re in the gc

(23:01) 2.5braincells: Where did you think we were?

(23:01) Daddy: text

(23:02) 2.5braincells: Good thing Keiji’s smart.

(23:02) Daddy: wat

(23:02) 2.5braincells: Someone needs to be the brains in the operation.

(23:02) Daddy: wat

(23:02) 2.5braincells: Operation = relationship.

(23:02) Daddy: oh  
(23:02) Daddy: fuck you you’re not allowed to take osamu on a date anymore

(23:02) 2.5braincells: :( What if he agrees to go on a date with me?

(23:03) Daddy: then i’ll threaten to wake him up at 3:30am for a week straight

(23:03) 2.5braincells: Okay, mean.

(23:03) halfpint: good morning

(23:03) 2.5braincells: 57 minutes too early, Hoshiumi.

(23:03) halfpint: :( different time zones

(23:03) Daddy: stfu there’s only one time zone in japan

(23:03) halfpint: MAYBE IM IN ANOTHER COUNTR

(23:03) Daddy: u have ur location on in snap

(23:04) halfpint: ok so i mightve thought it was 11am

(23:04) 2.5braincells: Goodnight, Hoshiumi.

(23:04) Daddy: gn usuri

(23:04) 2.5braincells: Goodnight only to Hoshiumi.

(23:04) halfpint: gn usuri!!

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(09:12) mr. director: guys, i got a dog!!!!

(09:12) Yahaba: What kind?

(09:12) mr. director: no idea  
(09:12) mr. director: he just crawled onto our makeshift set  
(09:12) mr. director: so i stopped the camera and picked him up and he’s mine now

(09:12) Yahaba: Lol he didn’t have a name tag?

(09:13) mr. director: nope  
(09:13) mr. director: he looks like a small bear

(09:13) Yahaba: Can we vote on his name?

(09:13) mr. director: okay guys send in name submissions  
(09:13) mr. director: i’m submitting small bear

(09:13) Yahaba: You have to give us a pic first

(09:13) mr. director:

   
(09:13) mr. director: he’s taking a nap under noya’s chair

(09:13) Yahaba: I vote Bernardo

(09:13) spice daddy: what the fuck are you guys doing awake

(09:13) mr. director: did you just wake up  
(09:13) mr. director: you were supposed to be on set an hour ago

(09:13) spice daddy: what

(09:14) mr. director: we used noya as your double

(09:14) spice daddy: YOU BETRAYED ME  
(09:14) spice daddy: also i vote bernardo  
(09:14) spice daddy: omg my mom has the car now i have to bike over  
(09:14) spice daddy: ur reshooting that scene

(09:14) mr. director: let me ask small bear if i should  
(09:14) mr. director: small bear says no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first person who can guess who’s who in the picture i drew gets a 500 word ficlet lmao second gen capn characters n prompt of ur choice


	3. my brothers old af hes like 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoshiumi helps akaashi with a Problem and gets a babysitter  
> shirabu n usuri test osamu  
> late night thoughts  
> futakuchi dumb af

(10:28) futafuckme: I think u should name him small bear Bernardo the third 

(10:28) mr. director: why the third 

(10:38) futafuckme: bc this is chapter 3 

(10:38) mr. director: i have no idea what you’re talking about, but small bear Bernardo the third it is

 

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(03:21) Daddy: my boyfriend is so fucking hot   
(03:21) Daddy: god it feels so good to say that 

(03:21) Yahaba:You’re like those annoying girls who post a picture of their boyfriend on Snapchat every fucking second

(03:21) Daddy: not like. am.

(03:22) NaCl: go to fucking sleep

(03:22) Yahaba:Practice what you preach

(03:22) Daddy: fuck i’m gonna cry i love him so much

(03:22) NaCl: i’d send u tissues but i assume that you’ll be done crying by the time they arrive  
(03:22) NaCl: anyway goodnight to anyone who isn’t named yahaba shigeru

(03:22) Daddy: goodnight kenjirou

(03:22) Yahaba:Fuck you, Shitabu Kenjirou

(03:22) Daddy: yahaba i feel like you’re upset for some reason 

(03:23) Yahaba:No, I like life

(03:23) Daddy: ur lying but vent at ur own pace   
(03:23) Daddy: i’m gonna go write love letters and cry ttyl

(03:23) Yahaba:Gn

(03:23) Daddy: gn

 

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(09:52) Mommy: Bokuto’s little brother just learned that I’m dating Atsumu, and he’s acting crazy. Crazier than me. What do I do? 

(09:52) Daddy: what do u mean crazier than u 

(09:52) Mommy: I mean ten minutes ago he wasn’t talking, and he wasn't being expressive. At all. And now he’s screaming in the courtyard with his hall pass. I can see him out of my classroom’s window. 

(09:53) Daddy: tell him to shut up

(09:53) Mommy: Won’t that make it worse? 

(09:53) Daddy: no  
(09:53) Daddy: idk probably   
(09:53) Daddy: ennoshita come ur good at giving advice 

(09:53) halfpint: WOW IM HEARTBROKEN THAT U DIDNT CALL UPON ME FUCK YOU  
(09:53) halfpint: anyway  
(09:53) halfpint: i know how to deal with crazy my little brother just got rejected for the first time   
(09:54) halfpint: tell him that there are plenty of other kindergarteners for him to pick in tag and give him a juice box  
(09:54) halfpint: apple juice only.

(09:54) Mommy: Alright, I’ll do it at lunch. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

(09:54) Daddy: fuck you hoshiumi the idea was to get keiji away from this kid

(09:54) halfpint: WHAT WORKS WORKS ATSUMU

(09:54) Daddy: :( 

 

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(11:28) 2.5braincells: My phone falls in the toilet one day, and I miss so much.   
(11:28) 2.5braincells: Small bear Bernardo the Third is so fucking cute. Spam me with pics. 

(11:29) mr. director: okay, i will in dm, but but giving all your love to animals isn’t going to make up for your need for human interaction 

(11:29) 2.5braincells: I know. Where’s the fucking cry emoji?

(11:30) NaCl: did you ever get to asking my boyfriend out on a date 

(11:30) 2.5braincells: NO!  
(11:30) 2.5braincells: BECAUSE ATSUMU MADE IT CLEAR I’D GET REJECTED NO MATTER WHAT! 

(11:30) NaCl: just ask to hang out 

(11:30) 2.5braincells: I FEEL LIKE I’M VIOLATING SOME FRIENDSHIP CODE

(11:30) NaCl: if that were the case don’t you think it’d be illegal for me to date osamu

(11:30) 2.5braincells: OKAY, BUT ATSUMU THINKS YOU’RE HOT TOO, SO YOUR SITUATION IS A TAD BIT DIFFERENT

(11:30) NaCl: i mean   
(11:31) NaCl: idk what to say to that   
(11:31) NaCl: just ask him out i wanna see what he says 

(11:31) 2.5braincells: Are you asking me to help you Test your boyfriend? Because I will. Gladly.

(11:31) NaCl: yes 

 

**Chat: Private Message (2.5braincells and Miya Osamu)**

 

(11:31) 2.5braincells: Hey.

 

**Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)**

 

(11:31) 2.5braincells: Should I call him daddy, or is that too much? 

(11:31) NaCl: do the most 

(11:31) 2.5braincells: Alright.

 

**Chat: Private Message (2.5braincells and Miya Osamu)**

 

(11:31) Miya Osamu: Hi.

(11:31) 2.5braincells: I thought you said you were gonna stop using periods.

(11:32) Miya Osamu: Only for Kenjirou. Habits are hard to break. 

(11:32) 2.5braincells: Yes, I agree. Which is why, daddy, and I wink now, I’d like to ask you to hang out with me next weekend. 

(11:32) Miya Osamu: LMAO  
(11:32) Miya Osamu: No. 

(11:32) 2.5braincells: You’re such a bitch, I swear. You’ll literally fuck anything but me. 

(11:32) Miya Osamu: Do you want to fuck? 

(11:32) 2.5braincells: Is that not obvious? 

(11:32) Miya Osamu: I’ll only do it once, but Kenjirou has to be okay with it, and you’ll have to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

(11:33) 2.5braincells: EXCUSE ME? 

(11:33) Miya Osamu: I can’t have people knowing I would fuck you.

(11:33) 2.5braincells: Fuck you, but alright. 

(11:33) Miya Osamu: Sorry. 

 

**Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)**

(11:33) 2.5braincells: _screenshot364.jpg_  
(11:33) 2.5braincells: I don’t know how I feel about this. 

(11:33) NaCl: you’re about to lose your virginity   
(11:33) NaCl: are you ready, usuri michiru?

(11:33) 2.5braincells: I love how you say my full name like I’m the protagonist in a manga.   
(11:34) 2.5braincells: Is he kinky? He better be kinky. 

(11:34) NaCl: yeah, just ask him. 

(11:34) 2.5braincells: Fuck, I can’t believe you’re letting me fuck him. 

(11:34) NaCl: shut up it’s not that big of a deal 

(11:34) 2.5braincells: YEAH IT IS   
(11:34) 2.5braincells: THIS IS MY HOLINESS ON THE LINE

(11:34) NaCl: your holiness went away when you made a twitter account

(11:34) 2.5braincells: Excuse me?

 

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(12:39) Mommy: I just gave him apple juice and had the talk. 

(12:39) halfpint: did it work 

(12:39) Mommy: Sort of. He cried, told me not to look at him, then told me to hold him. After a couple of minutes, he said he’d be okay by practice this afternoon.

(12:39) halfpint: give him someone else to obsess over so he can get over u 

(12:39) Mommy: Like who? 

(12:39) halfpint: atsumu

(12:40) Mommy: Atsumu is mine. 

 

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(16:18) halfpint: FRIENDS  
(16:18) halfpint: AND ACQUAINTANCE   
(16:18) halfpint: WOULD ANYONE CLOSE BY AND RESPONSIBLE THAT OWES ME (sakusa kiyoomi) LIKE TO BABYSIT MY BABY BROTHER FRIDAY NIGHT 5-9 WHILE I GO TO A VOLLEYBALL MATCH???

(16:18) #1: I’ve never been responsible for children before. 

(16:18) Mommy: They're disgusting, you won’t like them. Let me watch them. 

(16:19) halfpint: am i the only one seeing irony here  
(16:19) halfpint: ANYWAY   
(16:19) halfpint: YOU'LL REALLY WATCH THEM AKAASHI SAMA???? 

(16:19) Mommy: Yes. 

(16:19) #1: Can I come?

(16:19) Mommy: Yes. 

(16:19) halfpint: ok but u just called them disgusting can i trust u 

(16:19) Mommy: I love babies.

(16:19) halfpint: okay but my sisters the baby and my brothers old af hes like 5 

(16:20) #1: I don’t think five-years old constitutes as “old af” for some reason

(16:20) Mommy: Sakusa can entertain the child. 

(16:20) halfpint: ok ill pay for ur train tickets in exchange for watching the kiddies and then imma show u the best and only place to get weed in nagano

(16:20) #1: Please don’t 

(16:20) Mommy: Sounds like a plan. 

 

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(01:18) futafuckme: late night thoughts: melted gummy bears = edible slime 

(01:18) spice daddy: late night thoughts: my dick broke and my bf Probably hates me now 

(01:18) Daddy: late night thoughts: hoshiumi is the alan of our wolf pack 

(01:18) everything nice: late night thoughts: teru looks like big bird in his training uniform 

(01:18) halfpint: late night thoughts: kids r annoying and im gonna come back late from the volleyball match tmm on purpose

 

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(15:15) #1: Akaashi, are you at the station? 

(15:15) Mommy: One minute.

(15:15) #1: Hoshiumi, you’re going to be late to your game

(15:15) halfpint: nah it starts at 7 i just told u guys five so u would come early lmao 

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ 

 

(19:03) Yahaba:Are you good with kids, Akaashi? 

(19:03) Mommy: Not really. This is my first time interacting with a baby other than making faces at them in the supermarket.

(19:03) Yahaba:I can’t make Kyoutani’s brother stop crying  
(19:04) Yahaba:And wikihow is FAKE just saying 

(19:04) Mommy: Love and affection? 

(19:04) Yahaba:I’m bad at giving those things 

(19:04) Mommy: Pacifier.

(19:04) Yahaba:He spat out like three already 

(19:04) Mommy: Feed him. 

(19:04) Yahaba:Alright   
(19:12) Yahaba:He puked on me 

(19:12) Mommy: Idk then. I have the child on a baby carrier, and she hasn’t cried yet, only shat and vomited a little bit. 

(19:12) Yahaba:Lmao you have on a baby carrier 

(19:12) Mommy: Yeah, she seems to like it. She also likes pulling Sakusa’s hair.

(19:12) Yahaba:Shouldn’t Sakusa be watching the other kid? 

(19:12) Mommy: He’s asleep, so Sakusa’s entertaining the baby while I text you.

(19:13) Yahaba:Why did he want to come with you anyway 

(19:13) Mommy: Komori said he had to, but I think he secretly wanted to play with the kids. 

(19:13) Yahaba:Fair enough 

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ 

 

(00:34) spice daddy: so i picked up a cat off the street today as u know if u watched my snap   
(00:34) spice daddy: and it got me thinking 

(0:34) futafuckme: oh no 

(00:34) spice daddy: fuck u  
(00:34) spice daddy: what if instead of us thinking cats are cute af and just fucking picking them up off the sidewalk or wtv they were human size and we were catbsize and they thought we were absolutely adorable and picked us up and raised up and put us on their snapchats 

(00:35) futafuckme: im stealing that and writing an AU but with bees

(00:35) spice daddy: IM GETTING A PATENT FIRST

(00:35) futafuckme: BET U WONT 

(00:35) spice daddy: jk i cant write go write my bee au

(00:35) futafuckme: ilybro 

(00:35) spice daddy: ILY2   
(00:35) spice daddy: but when ur au gets super popular and u become famous i want a cut of ur earnings 

(00:35) futafuckme: anything for u 

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(00:52) NaCl: guys i’m confused 

(00:52) futafuckme: me too   
(00:52) futafuckme: what’s up 

(00:52) NaCl: okay so like boys suck right 

(00:52) futafuckme: only when they’re on their knees   
(00:52) futafuckme: god i can feel u glaring daggers at me and u haven’t even answered yet   
(00:52) futafuckme: IM SORRY BOYS SUCK I SUCK

(00:52) NaCl: yeah so   
(00:52) NaCl: i’ve been talking to this boy lately 

(00:53) futafuckme: WHO

(00:53) NaCl: none of ur business 

(00:53) futafuckme: bet it’s osamu

(00:53) NaCl: fuck off and let me talk 

(00:53) futafuckme: fine continue

(00:53) NaCl: so we’ve been friends for a while but it’s like one of those salty love hate relationships but we never show the love part to each other really   
(00:53) NaCl: just like kind acts of friendship but we never r like ily dude blah blah blah   
(00:53) NaCl: and we may or may not have fucked   
(00:53) NaCl: and now we fuck more often 

(00:54) futafuckme: like, a lot a lot?  
(00:54) futafuckme: i’ll kill him 

(00:54) NaCl: like a lot a lot   
(00:54) NaCl: anyway   
(00:54) NaCl: he’s been acting like we’re just friends and i kinda actually like him and want him to take me on a date, but i don’t wanna ask him out in case he just wants to be fwb bc he’s friends w a lot of my friends, and that’d be awkward 

(00:54) futafuckme: FIRST OF ALL  
(00:54) futafuckme: GIVE ME HIS NAME   
(00:54) futafuckme: IF HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU I WILL KILL HIM  
(00:54) futafuckme: IF HE LIKES YOU I WILL KILL HIM 

(00:55) Daddy: so what r u gonna do shirabu

(00:55) futafuckme: NAME AND ADDRESS PLS

(00:55) Yahaba:Futakuchi, you’re so dumb

(00:55) futafuckme: EXCUSE ME 

(00:55) NaCl: idk what to do   
(00:55) NaCl: there’s also another boy who says he’s in love with me but he’s annoying as fuck and slutty  
(00:55) NaCl: actually they’re both annoying and slutty  
(00:55) NaCl: the first one is just more accessible and slightly less awkward 

(00:55) futafuckme: SHIRABU KENJIROU :( 

(00:55) Daddy: theyre both easy access kenjirou what r u talking abt 

(00:56) NaCl: lmao 

(00:56) futafuckme: KENJIROU ARE YOU IFNORINF ME 

(00:56) NaCl: no   
(00:56) NaCl: yes  
(00:56) NaCl: what do you think i should do 

(00:56) futafuckme: UGH I CANT BELIEVE YOURE MAKINF ME DO TBIS 

(00:56) NaCl: do what

(00:56) futafuckme: BE A GOOD FRIEND AND GIVE YOU LOVE ADVICE AND SHIT 

(00:56) NaCl: wait first i forgot to tell you   
(00:56) NaCl: the first boy has a boyfriend 

(00:57) futafuckme: ur fucking a boy with a boyfriend. how fucking NOBLE OF YOU TWO 

(00:57) NaCl: shut the fuck up   
(00:57) NaCl: you fuck people, and you have a boyfriend 

(00:57) futafuckme: THATS DIFFERENT AND TOU KNOW IT

(00:57) NaCl: okay, whatever  
(00:57) NaCl: i really like him

(00:57) futafuckme: ugh   
(00:57) futafuckme: he has a fucking boyfriend, kenjirou   
(00:57) futafuckme: obviously you should really like someone who DOESNT have one   
(00:57) futafuckme: ppl don’t really change that often   
(00:58) futafuckme: if he’s cheating now he’ll probably cheat later except on you if you really date 

(00:58) NaCl: what if he’s in a situation like u

(00:58) futafuckme: then either 1) he really loves his boyfriend and he’s not going to leave him because you’re just friends with benefits and nothing more which is why his bf is his bf and ur his fwb   
(00:58) futafuckme: OR 2) he likes u back and isn’t just fucking bc he’s bored and touch-starved, but he’s actually sort of cheating on his boyfriend bc (IN MY EXPERIENCE THUS FAR) open relationships aren’t for forming love w multiple people but sating sexual desire w multiple ppl bc of physical distance from the ONE AND ONLY ONE you love 

(00:58) NaCl: so what you’re saying is you don’t think i should go after him bc he’s either in love w someone else or an asshole

(00:58) futafuckme: p much

(00:58) Daddy: can i just say that this is really disheartening to read bc i was rooting for kenjirou on this one 

(00:59) futafuckme: shut up, atsumu, i’m trying to be a GOOD FRIEND! 

(00:59) NaCl: so let’s say he’s an asshole

(00:59) futafuckme: pls let’s not 

(00:59) Daddy: let’s 

(00:59) NaCl: how do i test to see if he likes me   
(00:59) NaCl: he’s kinda dumb just fyi so he probably won’t get super obvious hints 

(00:59) futafuckme: HWO ABOUT DONT  
(00:59) futafuckme: I CANT BELIEVE UR FUCKING ORHER GUYS I MEAN I AM TOO BUT IM HURT I THOUFHT I WAS UR MAIN HOE 

(00:59) NaCl: just help me 

(01:00) futafuckme: i’m. Upset.   
(01:00) futafuckme: ALEXA PLAY DESPACITO 

(01:00) NaCl: futakuchi 

(01:00) futafuckme: idk   
(01:00) futafuckme: just ask him to like hang out or something and it can be casual so he thinks ur gonna fuck but u rly don’t want to bc ur gonna spend time and if he seems disinterested forget about it

(01:00) NaCl: and if he doesn't? 

(01:00) futafuckme: then ask him to hang out again another time and bring him shit he likes and do shit he likes and remember the stupid stuff he says and make sweet gestures and whatev and maybe he’ll realize u like him and do something about it and if he doesn’t u might just have to suck it up and tell the fucker   
(01:00) futafuckme: if he doesn’t like u it’s not the end of the world u can always cry on my shoulder 

(01:00) NaCl: thanks futakuchi i’ll let u know how it goes 

(01:00) futafuckme: okay  
(01:01) futafuckme: if u need me to kill him just say the words

(01:01) NaCl: ❤️

(01:01) futafuckme: oh my god my heart   
(01:01) futafuckme: u rly thought u could get away with sending that huh   
(01:01) futafuckme: u rly thought my gay ass wouldn’t die   
(01:01) futafuckme: WELL U OVERWSTIMATE ME JENJIROU 

(01:01) Yahaba:Futakuchi, you’re really stupid

(01:01) Daddy: ^ 

(01:01) futafuckme: I WILL NOT STAND TO BE BULLIED LIKE THIS IN MY OWN GROUP CHAT

(01:01) Yahaba:I think you need to re-evaluate your relationships

(01:01) futafuckme: excuse me i thought we were giving SHIRABU advice tonight 

(01:02) Yahaba:You need it more. 

(01:02) futafuckme: :( fuck u MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE STELLAR AND PERFECTLY FINE AND HAPPY   
(01:02) futafuckme: :( im gonna go eat chicken nuggets 

(01:02) Yahaba:Goodnight, Futakuchi

(01:02) futafuckme: gn asshole #1, gn asshole #2, and gn kenjirou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry this took a while my brain broke


	4. he’s just in college he ain’t dead or anythin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk why im still writing this but have some slime/weed+lots of futashira

(01:23) futafuckme: so   
(01:23) futafuckme: how’s everyone doing

(01:23) #1: Hoshiumi’s little sister puked on me.

(01:24) futafuckme: nice 

(01:24) #1: She’s the size of two of my hands. 

(01:24) futafuckme: I WANT ONE 

(01:24) #1: I am conflicted as to whether I hate babies or not.

(01:24) futafuckme: wtf they’re cute   
(01:24) futafuckme: especially if u dress em up and shit  
(01:24) futafuckme: i used to put my sister in a pumpkin she was so cute 

(01:24) #1: I thought you hated your sister.

(01:24) futafuckme: nah she’s just annoying 

(01:24) #1: Her socks are so tiny.

(01:24) futafuckme: siri where’s the cry heart emoji

(01:25) #1: I think I want one.

(01:25) halfpint: sock? 

(01:25) #1: Baby. 

(01:25) futafuckme: inseminate komori and hope for a miracle 

(01:25) halfpint: get out 

(01:25) futafuckme: yknow the reason i made this gc was to feel supported and im not feeling very supported right now 

(01:25) halfpint: bc ur dummy even i know that and im a C student 

(01:25) #1: Honestly, I consistently believe Futakuchi cannot stoop lower, and his depravity surprises me every time. 

(01:26) futafuckme: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE ZONE 

(01:26) #1: No offense 

(01:26) mr. director: ^^^^^^^^^

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ 

 

(08:07) mr. director: terushima, we are not waiting for you anymore. you need to arrive on time, or else noya is going to play lead cactus. 

(08:07) spice daddy: OKAY BUT I WENT TO GET U STARBUCKS TO MAKE UP FOR LAST TIME AND THW LINE WAS RLY LONG AND IM WALKING OVEE TO U RN W A MOCHA LATTE SO CAN U PLS WAIT TWOOOOO MINUTESSSSS I DONT WANNA HAVE TO NARUTO RUN OVER 

(08:07) mr. director: got cake pops?

(08:07) spice daddy: OF COURSE 

(08:08) mr. director: i’ll tell noya the sad news.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(10:12) 2.5braincells: What does the lead cactus do? 

(10:12) mr. director: you’ll find out when it wins an award at the sundance film festival. :) 

(10:12) 2.5braincells: Waiting is so hard!

(10:13) Daddy: patience is a virtue

(10:13) 2.5braincells: Shut up, Gandhi. 

(10:13) Daddy: that’s gandhi?

(10:13) mr. director: it’s not. 

(10:13) 2.5braincells: Shut up, Director-san.

(10:14) spice daddy: watch ur mouth that’s my boss ur talkin to 

(10:14) 2.5braincells: Fuck.   
(10:14) 2.5braincells: I’ll forever repent.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ 

 

(15:33) NaCl: if i tell him he’s cute is that too much 

(15:33) futafuckme: who the fuck is him 

(15:33) everything nice: yeah who the fuck is him 

(15:33) Mommy: Taketora, you have got to be kidding. 

(15:34) futafuckme: im so confused 

(15:34) everything nice: ^ constant state o mind

(15:34) Mommy: Just tell him he’s cute, and get him sour gummies.

(15:34) NaCl: alright cool i’ll lyk how it goes 

(15:34) futafuckme: SOUR GUMMIES  
(15:34) futafuckme: ARE U SRS   
(15:34) futafuckme: KENJIROU  
(15:34) futafuckme: U NEVER GET ME SOUR GUMMIES WHY R U GETTING THIS ASSHOLE SOUR GUMMIES U KNOW THEYRE MY FAVORITE

(15:34) Mommy: Everyone knows they’re your favorite. 

(15:34) everything nice: doesnt that make this like   
(15:34) everything nice: especially hurt 

(15:35) Mommy: I believe the word you’re looking for is “cruel,” and yes, from your misled perspective, that is. 

(15:35) futafuckme: im so   
(15:35) futafuckme: smad

(15:35) NaCl: shut up, i’m coming over 

(15:35) futafuckme: nah u cant come over after u give ur new bf sour gummies 

(15:35) Mommy: Oh my god, this is so painful to watch.

15:35 Mommy has left The Spice Girls.   
15:35 futafuckme has added Mommy to The Spice Girls 

(15:35) futafuckme: U THOUGHT 

(15:35) Mommy: No.

(15:35) futafuckme: AKAASHI U HAVE TO BE MY FREE THERAPIST   
(15:35) futafuckme: AND STOP SUPPORTING KENJIROU IN HIS ILLICIT ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS 

(15:36) Mommy: I don’t think my eyes can roll back further. 

(15:36) futafuckme: do you say that to atsumu, too? ;) 

(15:36) Mommy: I think we have a case of transference, and you’ll be needing a new therapist. 

(15:36) futafuckme: NOOOO I DONT PLS STAY

(15:36) Mommy: I know. You’re in love with Kenjirou even though you have a boyfriend. A boyfriend who isn’t Kenjirou. Sound familiar? 

(15:36) futafuckme: no, not really 

(15:36) Mommy: Absolute buffoon. 

(15:37) Daddy: futakuchi, if you flirt with my boyfriend again, i will kill you 

(15:37) futafuckme: okayyyy but u practically fucked mine 

(15:37) Daddy: i haven’t even met him wtf

(15:37) futafuckme: oh fuck

(15:37) Mommy: Did you forget Kenjirou isn’t your boyfriend? 

(15:37) futafuckme: OKAY BUT HE REALLY IS IM SO ANNOYED WHY IS HE GETTING SOUR GUMMIES FOR THIS FUCKHEAD 

(15:37) Daddy: i’m like 99% sure he feels the same way lmfao, and THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO BEFORE U GUYS WERE EVEN INVOLVED CAN U FIND IT IN IR HEART FORGIVE ME IVE CHANGED :(((

(15:37) futafuckme: fine i forgive you since i can understand the appeal but yknow fuck u still

(15:38) Daddy: ily

(15:38) futafuckme: ur telling me u love me right in front of ur bf   
(15:38) futafuckme: that makes me love u so much more 

(15:38) Daddy:♥╣[-_-]╠♥

(15:38) futafuckme: ur so cute lol

(15:38) Daddy: ilove having friends

(15:38) Mommy: Call me.

(15:38) futafuckme: nooooo dont leave me alone :(((

(15:39) Mommy: Kenjirou can keep you company.

(15:39) futafuckme: akaashi-san, you cruel, cruel man

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(23:04) everything nice: bitches guess who just dropped a slime vid on tik tok

(23:04) 2.5braincells: Are you really dating this work? Do you think people reading this ten years from now will know what tik tok is? How is that even going to get a laugh after tomorrow? 

(23:04) everything nice: what

(23:04) 2.5braincells: What? 

(23:04) everything nice: ANYWAY  
(23:04) everything nice: MY TIK TOK IS SLIMEBOI4 COME SUPPORT ME 

(23:04) 2.5braincells: ON IT! 

(23:07) 2.5braincells: I LIKE THE CRUNCH SLIME THE BEST! 

(23:07) everything nice: fuck yeah u do 

(23:07) halfpint: what’s with this generation and slime   
(23:08) halfpint: can’t we just use weed to calm down like our ancestors 

(23:08) everything nice: ok let me convert u  
(23:08) everything nice: say ur on the go   
(23:08) everything nice: u gotta drive to work in 10 but u needa calm down rq bc u know u fucked up that presentation ur abt to give   
(23:08) everything nice: u cant drive high so u just look at some slime vids   
(23:08) everything nice: jitters pre-presentation? just watch some slime vids  
(23:08) everything nice: instacalm

(23:08) halfpint: i want a green one 

(23:08) everything nice: smh get over ur green addiction 

(23:08) halfpint: it’s the color of hirugami’s eyes

(23:08) 2.5braincells: Kourai, I think he was talking about something else.   
(23:09) 2.5braincells: (weed).

(23:09) halfpint: fcku im not addicted :(   
(23:09) halfpint: i barely even smoke now bc of the police officer who moved in next door :(   
(23:09) halfpint: i have to visit my grandpa whenever i wanna get high :( 

(23:09) 2.5braincells: Oh, you poor little soul. 

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ 

 

(00:12) futafuckme: guys guess what 

(00:12) Mommy: What? 

(00:12) futafuckme: okay, ur supposed to guess…. BUT   
(00:12) futafuckme: KENJIROU IS HERE   
(00:13) futafuckme: AND HES ASLEEP ON MY SHOULDER   
(00:13) futafuckme: HE IS SO FUCKING CUTE   
(00:13) futafuckme: OH MY GOD   
(00:13) futafuckme: IVE WANTED TO PET HIM WITHOUT GETTING SLAPPED FOR THE LONGEST FUCKING TIME   
(00:13) futafuckme: ONLY TOOK TWO MILLION YEARS TO HAPPEN 

(00:14) Mommy: Everything is unicorn and rainbows when you’re in love for the first time, isn’t it? 

(00:14) futafuckme: FUCK YEAH IT IS   
(00:14) futafuckme: THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER 

(00:14) Yahaba: So, not to burst your bubble or anything, but what happened to your boyfriend? 

(00:14) futafuckme: HES ASKEEP ON ME YAHABA READ THE FUCKING CHAT 

(00:14) Mommy: I think he means your actual boyfriend, the one you’ve been seeing for about two years now. 

(00:14) futafuckme: oh, him 

(00:14) Yahaba: Yes, him 

(00:14) futafuckme: nothin he’s just in college he ain’t dead or anything lmao 

(00:14) Yahaba: So, does Shirabu know he's your boyfriend? 

(00:15) futafuckme: i mean

(00:15) Mommy: No, they seem to have a mutual misunderstanding of their mutual romantic feelings. 

(00:15) futafuckme: what 

(00:15) Yahaba: Well, you know what to do now, Futakuchi. 

(00:15) futafuckme: find the dragonball? 

(00:15) Yahaba: Now, I’m all for not calling out one’s friends when they’re being stupid, but  
(00:15) Yahaba: You idiot

(00:15) Mommy: ^

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(03:18) spice daddy: anyone ever read the ladder theory 

(03:18) 2.5braincells: Of course!

(03:18) spice daddy: u think its real?  
(03:18) spice daddy: i think it is for me but like id fuck anything 

(03:19) 2.5braincells: Yeah, you’re probably asking the wrong person if you want an assessment of its accuracy… 

(03:19) halfpint: i think its true

(03:19) spice daddy: what does ur ladder look like

(03:19) halfpint: hirugami at the top obvi   
(03:19) halfpint: hakuba at the bottom

(03:19) spice daddy: how u gonna skip from top to bottom what abt the middle 

(03:19) halfpint: u guys r in the middle do u rly want me to offend all of my friends 

(03:19) 2.5braincells: Yes!!!

(03:19) everything nice: 1) y we awake 2) what’s ladder theory 

(03:20) 2.5braincells: It’s the notion that a male cannot be friends with anyone of the sex(es) that he is attracted to unless 1. He finds that person unattractive or 2. That person is significantly less attractive than his significant other.   
(03:20) 2.5braincells: On the ladder, the top section is comprised of people he would have sex with and admit to having sex with them. The middle section is comprised of people he would have sex with if under influence and still admit to it. The bottom section is comprised of people he would have sex with drunk and not admit to it.   
(03:20) 2.5braincells: Those not on the ladder have either condition one or two applying to them. 

(03:21) spicedaddy: well said usuri im impressed 

(03:21) 2.5braincells: Thank you. Coming from someone of your intellectual prowess, that means a lot. 

(03:21) everything nice: idk if id fuck any of u except maybe ennoshita

(03:21) 2.5braincells: Imagine each one of your friends is hanging out with you alone. Your friend strips naked and proclaims his or her desire to have sex with you. Honestly, would you agree? 

(03:21) everything nice: guess its time for me to skidaddle

(03:21) halfpint: that means he would fuck us right 

(03:21) 2.5braincells: Definitely. ;) 

(03:22) spice daddy: hoshiumi we arent letting u off that easy u better tell us who’s in the middle of ur ladder 

(03:22) halfpint: ugh fuck you guys   
(03:22) halfpint: can we pretend we r all single rq so nobody kills me   
(03:22) halfpint: nobody means atsumu

(03:22) 2.5braincells: When you make your ladder, the only person whose relationship you regard is your own. 

(03:22) spice daddy: atsumu can deal with it 

(03:22) halfpint: alright at the top id def fuck akaashi sakusa n futakuchi mid ennoshita terushima usuri shirabu yamamoto yahaba bottom atsumu

(03:23) spice daddy: thank u for ur honesty but im offended wtf 

(03:23) halfpint: imsry i cant separate u from ur relationship when im ranking 

(03:23) spice daddy: BUT U STILL PUT AKAASHI AND SAKUSA UP TOP

(03:23) halfpint: THEYRE MORE MY TYPE 

(03:23) spice daddy: SMH   
(03:23) spice daddy: ur turn

(03:23) 2.5braincells: Easy. Assuming you’re all single, top: Akaashi, Osamu, Wakatsu, Terushima, Ennoshita, Kenjirou, Yahaba. Middle: Atsumu, Hoshiumi, Sakusa, Yamamoto, Futakuchi. Bottom: I’m too easy for a bottom. 

(03:23) spice daddy: was that a pun  
(03:23) spice daddy: fuck i love u lmfao

(03:23) 2.5braincells: Your turn.

(03:23) spice daddy: um   
(03:24) spice daddy: tbh   
(03:24) spice daddy: everyone’s in the top section except bobata bc hes my best friend so id have to be drunk to fuck him bc id never ruin our friendship sober  
(03:24) spice daddy: but kawanishis on the top ring obviously 

(03:24) halfpint: damn   
(03:24) halfpint: ur real deal easy lollll

(03:24) spice daddy: ;( i dont need you to tell me 

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(10:23) Yahaba: Is the great Shirabu of Miyagi awake? 

(10:23) NaCl: no 

(10:23) Mommy: Are you and Futakuchi boyfriends now? 

(10:23) NaCl: idk 

(10:23) Yahaba: Did you read when Futakuchi called you his boyfriend earlier in the chat? 

(10:24) NaCl: what

(10:24) Mommy: Yahaba, present your screenshots. 

(10:24) Yahaba: _Attached image_

(10:24) NaCl: are you fucking kidding me he pet me i'll kill himn

(10:24) Yahaba: kiss*

(10:24) Mommy: kiss*

(10:24) Yahaba: I just feel so in sync with you right now, Akaashi 

(10:24) Mommy: Likewise, Yahaba. 

(10:25) Yahaba: So, Shirabutt, how does it feel to have a boyfriend again for the first time in forever? 

(10:25) NaCl: yahaba i don’t even talk feelings with futakuchi, do you really think i will with you?

(10:25) Yahaba: Geez, I thought we were best friends 

(10:25) NaCl: i mean  
(10:25) NaCl: sort of. unfortunately.  
(10:25) NaCl: but idk   
(10:25) NaCl: i like him and that’s all 

_10:25 Futafuckme’s name has been changed to Shirabu’s Boyfriend_

(10:25) NaCl: you bitch

(10:25) Mommy: Do the name changes only count for the chat, or for every chat? 

(10:25) Yahaba: Idk lol 

(10:26) Mommy: Well, let's hope it’s only in this chat until Futakuchi isn’t dating multiple people. 

(10:26) NaCl: keiji ur my favorite friend   
(10:26) NaCl: y did u have to remind me he has other boyfriends :(((( 

(10:26) Mommy: Uh  
(10:26) Mommy: It was an accident. 

(10:26) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: TOMORROW I WLL ONLY HAVE ONE BOYFRIEND 

(10:26) Yahaba: Hear that Shirabu? He’s breaking up with you already

(10:26) NaCl: i’ll kill you

(10:26) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: FALSE YAHABA   
(10:27) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: ;( kenjirou is so fucking cute i'm gonna cry 

(10:27) Yahaba: Why can't you guys just call each other like mom and dad instead of being coupley in the chat?

(10:27) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: BECAUSE   
(10:27) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: I WISH TO DROWN EVERYONE IN PDA UNTIL NOBODY IS LEFT ABOVE WATER EXCEPT MY DEAREST KENJIROU AND ME 

(10:27) Mommy: Sickening. 

(10:27) Yahaba: Fucking disgusting


	5. GO, GO HOSHI!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the great debate + hoshi struggles + small bear's insta team

(16:02) Daddy: HOSHIUMI KOURAI PREPARE FOR DEATH

(16:02) halfpint: d: WHAT I DO  
(16:02) halfpint: jk u dont scare me bitch

(16:02) Daddy: YOU ASSHOLE  
(16:02) Daddy: FIRSTLY BECAUSE I HAD TO STOP TYPING MY PARAGRAPH JUST TO CALL YOU AN ASSHOLE  
(16:03) Daddy: SECONDLY  
(16:03) Daddy: BOTTOM OF YOUR LADDER? ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS?

(16:03) halfpint: ITS JUST A STUPID LADDER JESUS

(16:03) Daddy: WHY

(16:03) halfpint: IF WE HAD DRUNK SEX WOULD U TELL ANYONE

(16:03) Daddy: EW NO I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

(16:03) halfpint: EXACTLY

(16:03) Daddy: WHY AM I NOT YOUR TYPE  
(16:03) Daddy: AMERICA EXPLAIN

(16:04) halfpint: I LIKE DARK CURLY HAIR

(16:04) Daddy: AND WHAT ABOUT FUTAKUCHI

(16:04) halfpint: FUTAKUCHI IS HOT

(16:04) Daddy: HOW AM I NOT IN THE SAME TYPE CATEGORY AS FUTAKUCHI WE HAVE SIMILAR BUILDS

(16:04) halfpint: HIS PERSONALITY IS LESS GROSS

(16:04) mr. director: not to butt in, but we all know that’s a lie.

(16:04) Daddy: THANK YOU ENNOSHITA

(16:04) halfpint: NOBODY WHO KNOWS YOUR PERSONALITY JUST LOOKS AT YOU AND SAYS WOAH I WANNA TAP THAT WITHOUT HATING THEMSELF  
(16:04) halfpint: FUTAKUCHI IS FUCKABLE

(16:05) Daddy: YOURE WRONF  
(16:05) Daddy: KEIJI LIKES FUCKING ME  
(16:05) Daddy: AND  
(16:05) Daddy: AAAAAND HOW AM I LESS FUCKABLE THAN FUTAKUCHI  
(16:05) Daddy: _Attached image_  
(16:05) Daddy: LOOK AT ME

(16:05) halfpint: WHERE AM I ON YOUR LADDER FUCKHEAD  
(16:05) halfpint: WILLAKAASHI STILL WANNA FUCK U WHEN UR SENDING PICS TO AN ENTIRE GROUPCHAT

(16:05) Daddy: I SEND HIM DIFFERENT KINDS OF PICS AASSHOLE  
(16:05) Daddy: IF I WERENT DATING YOUD BE IN THE MIDDLE

(16:06) halfpint: FINE  
(16:06) halfpint: IF I DIDNT HAVE HIRUGAMI I GUESS YOUD BE IN THE MIDDLE TOO

(16:06) Daddy: alright cool

(16:06) halfpint: fuck u

(16:06) Daddy: fuck u too  
(16:06) Daddy: only drunk tho

(16:06) mr. director: while that was very entertaining,  
(16:06) mr. director: can we discuss: how the hell did atsumu convince akaashi to date him?

(16:06) #1: My theory is that he threatened to kill Akaashi’s goddog.

(16:06) Daddy: :( no i just wanna make him happy

(16:06) halfpint: okay we have to admit  
(16:06) halfpint: for some reason there’s this evolutionary appeal to assholes

(16:06) #1: I think Akaashi is more evolved than most.

(16:07) mr. director: one’s primitive nature is inescapable

(16:07) #1: He has enough sense to fight such urges.

(16:07) halfpint: okay but the hormones are strong

(16:07) mr. director: and pride aside, atsumu’s thighs are huge

(16:07) #1: There are plenty of more suitable options, personality-wise, with muscular thighs.

(16:07) halfpint: ig his face is kinda handsome but like not too handsome to punch

(16:07) mr. director: also let’s account for the limitation of only homosexual/bisexual options for akaashi

(16:07) #1: Perhaps it’s because Atsumu will do anything Akaashi says other than leave him alone.

(16:07) mr. director: so pros: decent face, good thighs, mindless follower. cons: annoying, rude, a bit dumb, hates people, vain, loudmouthed, impulsive, oh i know i’m missing more, but i can’t think of them

(16:07) halfpint: wait they both hate people  
(16:07) halfpint: except little kids

(16:07) #1: Then 4 pros versus 6 cons. Still doesn’t add up.

(16:08) halfpint: how about we analyze akaashi’s ladder with a female perspective since he’s got bottom energy

(16:08) mr. director: i think atsumu is the bottom

(16:08) #1: Atsumu is definitely the bottom.

(16:08) halfpint: what

(16:08) mr. director: let’s agree that akaashi is 100% in control of the relationship

(16:08) halfpint: ok but like  
(16:08) halfpint: in that dominatrix way  
(16:08) halfpint: like where he rides atsumu and chokes him and calls him a whore for liking it

(16:08) #1: I’m almost 100% sure that Atsumu asks to be called a whore first.

(16:08) mr. director: why don’t we just ask them to settle this discourse?

(16:08) halfpint: bcccc i have that point on the ladder theory where 50% of what women look at is money/power, both of which atsumu sorta has

(16:08) #1: He isn’t rich.

(16:08) halfpint: that’s bc his family spends it all on food since he consumes enough for a small elephant  
(16:08) halfpint: but like  
(16:09) halfpint: he has enough to buy a train ticket to tokyo every weekend

(16:09) #1: Akaashi is rich.

(16:09) mr. director: so basically, if we look at the ladder from the women’s perspective, akaashi has at least 70% in looks and money, which explains atsumu’s desire, but how do we settle this from akaashi’s perspective?

(16:09) #1: Atsumu is loyal, and perhaps he swooped in at a proper time seeing as Akaashi was down in the dumps from Bokuto Koutarou not being attracted to him (aka, desperation).

(16:09) halfpint: okay according to this website 60% of the male rating system is based on looks 30% chance that he’ll put out and 10% other

(16:09) #1: In that case, why not Futakuchi or Shirabu over Atsumu?

(16:09) mr. director: they don’t have the loyalty that atsumu does

(16:09) halfpint: unless something’s wrong with akaashi

(16:09) #1: Like what?

(16:10) halfpint: like his dick could be broken

(16:10) mr. director: then atsumu loses his 60% in looks

(16:10) halfpint: okay but what if hes crazy

(16:10) #1: Explain.

(16:10) halfpint: okay so u know ur super hot right

(16:10) mr. director: did you really just say that?

(16:10) halfpint: shhhh  
(16:10) halfpint: but ur lowkey a crazy hypochondriac ass  
(16:10) halfpint: so like u know u have to find someone whos willing to put up w that  
(16:10) halfpint: and if akaashis crazy and atsumu does everything he says then he’s basically perfect

(16:10) #1: Asshole, but fair point.

(16:10) mr. director: should we ask them if we figured it out?

(16:11) #1: Yes, but it’s awkward typing in their @s.

(16:11) mr. director: not it

(16:11) halfpint: ugh fine  
(16:11) halfpint: @Daddy @Mommy did we figure out ur relationship or not

(16:12) Daddy: wow it was so hard not interrupting to tell you guys how fucking RUDE but  
(16:12) Daddy: idk ask keiji

(16:12) mr. director: so he’s not crazy?

(16:12) Daddy: i mean i prefer not to use the c word  
(16:12) Daddy: how bout eccentric

(16:12) #1: So you don’t think him being crazy explains why he agreed to be your boyfriend?

(16:12) Daddy: i ain’t a cup of tea either  
(16:12) Daddy: but if any of u say that to my face i’ll firmly defend that i’m an absolute delight so don’t try it  
(16:12) Daddy: i think it’s bc he was bored and i’m a handsome willing sex slave who likes him a considerable lot

(16:13) halfpint: knew he was a dominatrix

(16:13) mr. director: it’s called a daddy dom, hoshiumi

(16:13) halfpint: same thing  
(16:13) halfpint: does he crack his leather whip at u

(16:13) Daddy: lmfaoooo  
(16:13) Daddy: no

(16:13) #1: Hoshiumi, could it be that you’re projecting your sexual fantasies onto your friends’ relationship?

(16:13) halfpint: duck

(16:13) Daddy: caught

(16:13) halfpint: :(

(16:14) Daddy: hoshiumi are u daddy dom or is it hirugami

(16:14) halfpint: WHAT WE HAVENT EVEN HAD SEX  
(16:14) halfpint: :( he def doesnt act like a daddy dom i think hes into that pussy vanilla shit

(16:14) mr. director: i would hope he isn’t into pussy

(16:14) halfpint: lmfao i don’t think he is

(16:14) Daddy: maybe he wants u to be his daddy

(16:14) halfpint: wont that be hard if im like  
(16:14) halfpint: 20cm shorter

(16:15) Daddy: it’s not a size thing it’s how u do it

(16:15) mr. director: atsumu stop it you’re reflecting poorly on yourself

(16:15) Daddy: smh i’m not even

(16:15) Mommy: If you’re insinuating that Atsumu has an inadequate penis, you’re wrong, and he’s my boyfriend because I enjoy him. Fuck off.

(16:15) halfpint: but like how

(16:15) Mommy: You don’t want to know.

(16:15) halfpint: ;( how do i get hirugami to enjoy me

(16:15) mr. director: i guess you have to have a large penis first

(16:15) halfpint: ;( i’ll let him be the judge of that but like how do i get to that stage

(16:15) #1: Beg.

(16:15) halfpint: ew i dont wanna seem thirsty

(16:15) #1: It worked for Komori.

(16:15) mr. director: and me

(16:16) halfpint: ugh  
(16:16) halfpint: brb then

 

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(16:20) halfpint: alright so he said i can come over so im walking over rn  
(16:20) halfpint: idek what im gonna say to him  
(16:21) halfpint: he lives a ten min walk away  
(16:21) halfpint: futanari i need u :( im nervous

(16:21) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: GUESS WHO JUST PEACEFULLY BROKE UP WITH KAMASAKI AND RELUCTANTLY DROPPED HIS SUGAR DADDY  
(16:21) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: THAYS RIFHT ME  
(16:21) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: what u worrying bout hoshiumi

(16:22) halfpint: what if he hates me and quits volleyball or he doesnt and its just awkward for the rest of the year  
(16:22) halfpint: and why am i asking him out in a way that isnt spectacularly glamorous  
(16:22) halfpint: omg i just got peer pressured  
(16:22) halfpint: i wanna go home but i already told him its time to talk  
(16:22) halfpint: those exact words except i wrote 2 instead of to (╥_╥)

(16:22) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: why don’t u just talk abt what ur wearing to ur winter formal that seems like smth you’d make a big deal abt lmao

(16:22) halfpint: thaaaanks

(16:22) Daddy: smh pussy-enabler

(16:22) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: so my sister told me that calling someone a pussy is sexist and i’m not allowed to do it anymore so SHAME ON YOU MIYA ATSUMU YOU SEXIST PIG

(16:23) Daddy: isn’t pussy derived from pusillanimous

(16:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: that’s what i said and then she goes on telling me all this research bullshit and telling me i’m a bitch

(16:23) Daddy: u let ur little sister call u a bitch

(16:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: i mean  
(16:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: i can’t hit her bc im a few years older and double standards so yeah

(16:23) Daddy: do u call her an evil devilkin

(16:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: not that often

(16:23) Daddy: ur sibling relationship is so different from mine  
(16:23) Daddy: i can just breathe and osamu will tell me to shut the fuck up  
(16:23) Daddy: once he was wearing our moms dress and heels so i was like um im prettier and dressed up too so he punched me in the face and we got blood on her dresses  
(16:24) Daddy: and then he told me he’s prettier and used blood as lipstick that fucking fiend

(16:24) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: u dress up for akaashi like that?

(16:24) Daddy: no we were eight lmfao  
(16:24) Daddy: congrats on ur new boyfriend btw

(16:24) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: WHY THANK YOU!!!! IM SO EXCITED

(16:24) halfpint: I HAVE ANOTHER THREE MINUTES OF RUNNING AND IM CRACKING FUTANARI IM CRACKING  
(16:24) halfpint: HOW AM I GONNA ASK HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND IF WE HAVENT WVEN COORDINATED WINTER FORMAL OUTFITS YET

(16:24) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: chill, bro. don’t ask him out yet

(16:24) halfpint: IM GONNA CRY

(16:24) Daddy: do it maybe he’ll feel bad and wanna cheer u up  
(16:24) Daddy: like  
(16:25) Daddy: ;)

(16:25) halfpint: OKAY ;(

 

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(21:12) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: soooo  
(21:12) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: @halfpint how’d it go

(21:13) halfpint: never thought id say this but atsumu was right  
(21:13) halfpint: im pussy  
(21:13) halfpint: hirugami isnt even intimidating but like  
(21:13) halfpint: i felt afraid

(21:13) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: ur always gonna feel afraid y don’t u just ask and get it over with

(21:14) halfpint: u didnt even ask shirabu out how u gonna go off telling me “just ask and get it over with”

(21:14) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: I AHD PLANS  
(21:14) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: i was jus gonna wait til that guy he liked rejected him and he came to me for comfort but that guy was me so that didn’t happen lmfao at least ur guy isn’t into anyone else

(21:14) halfpint: o(╥﹏╥)o im going back tmm with a new determination then

(21:14) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: good bc i made a fan sign for u  
(21:14) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: 

 

(21:14) halfpint: that a sticky note

(21:15) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: fan sign* yes, yes it is

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(22:03) 2.5braincells: So, Shirabu and Futakuchi are dating?

(22:03) Daddy: established

(22:03) 2.5braincells: @NaCl Is it because Osamu failed your test?

(22:03) Daddy: no it’s bc they were never dating

(22:03) 2.5braincells: Whaaaaaaat??????

(22:03) Daddy: osamu and kenjirou were never together

(22:03) 2.5braincells: WHY??????

(22:04) Daddy: idk but i haven't told him they’re dating bc i think he’ll punch me so  
(22:04) Daddy: how about u come tell him and let him cry on ur shoulder

(22:04) 2.5braincells: I thought I was forbidden from seeing Osamu.

(22:04) Daddy: i mean yeah but like  
(22:04) Daddy: I thought about it and i feel kinda bad for threatening to wake him up at 3:30am  
(22:04) Daddy: idk why i feel this way i’ve never regretted being an asshole before

(22:04) 2.5braincells: Omg you’re acting like a normal, considerate human.

(22:04) Daddy: yeah, and i fuckin hate it

(22:04) 2.5braincells: THERE'S THE ATSUMU I KNOW AND LOVE!!  
(22:04) 2.5braincells: Nevertheless, I accept your downward spiral into compassion, so our friendship shall resume.

(22:05) Daddy: thanks ❤️

(22:05) 2.5braincells: What are friends for? ;)

(22:07) Daddy: sry osamu just came in all depressed eating my ramen noodles

(22:07) 2.5braincells: Aren't you going to punch him for eating your food?

(22:07) Daddy: no, i think i’m feeling compassion because his unrequited love has become unattainable and i felt that way before so i’m empathizing

(22:08) 2.5braincells: I’m getting the first train ticket to Hyogo!

(22:08) Daddy: k see u in a lil

 

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(09:53) spice daddy: who wants to make an Instagram for small bear bernardo the third  
(09:53) spice daddy: according to ennoshita my photography skills are inferior, and our camera guy is afraid of dogs  
(09:53) spice daddy: taketora i think u should come even tho u live far bc then u would get to hang out w kinoshita

(09:54) mr. director: @everything nice, you’ve just been presented an irrefutable offer. what are you going to do about it?

(09:54) everything nice: how is being told to visit my friend an offer

(09:54) mr director: you get to be chief photographer on small bear’s instagram team for the unmatchable compensation of time with the superstar dog and time with your boyfriend. what more could you ask for?

(09:54) everything nice: uh  
(09:54) everything nice: smth to eat

(09:55) mr. director: kinoshita.

(09:55) everything nice: cool i’m in


	6. clearly cosmopolitan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ain’t got an essay to write no more so I’m back producing more trash hope u like it

(02:22) NaCl: i can’t believe i’m in love with a fucking idiot

(02:22) Yahaba: I can. The idea that opposites attract is false. Like attracts like. Idiot loves idiot.

(02:22) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: so are you calling yourself a mad dog

(02:22) Yahaba: Fuckhead.

(02:22) NaCl: don’t call my boyfriend a fuckhead, that's my job

(02:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: yeah, that’s his job >:(

(02:23) Yahaba: Oh, you guys are revolting

(02:23) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: taking that as a compliment, thank you very much, kind sir

 

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(13:02) Daddy: so i think i don’t necessarily hate being nice to people

(13:02) Mommy: What happened to you? :(

(13:02) NaCl: akaashi no let him have character development

(13:03) Mommy: Sorry, dear, tell me more.

(13:03) Daddy: idk  
(13:03) Daddy: it felt normal being a decent person, but then osamu hugged me for the first time in a billion years, and it was weird, but i think i didn’t mind it

(13:03) Yahaba: This is a shocking development, and I can’t decide whether your story is sweet or deeply disturbing

(13:03) NaCl: ^

(13:03) Mommy: I suppose I’ll accept you regardless of whether you behave like a curmudgeon or a half-decent being.

(13:03) Daddy: i’m gonna go cry now i love u

(13:03) Mommy: Likewise, darling.

(13:03) Yahaba: Ew, do that shit over the phone

(13:04) NaCl: mad bc ur bf still likes couples therapy?

(13:04) Yahaba: No, he barked when I called him darling once. It’s a triggering word for me

(13:04) NaCl: why don’t you talk about it wednesday with your therapist

(13:04) Yahaba: I think that’s the only useful thing you’ve ever said to me, Shirabu. Thanks

 

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(15:02) halfpint: whys everyone in a relationship now ༼ง=ಠ益ಠ=༽ง  
(15:02) halfpint: this gc makes me feel too single im leaving

(15:02) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: bitch try it

(15:02) halfpint: fine ill stay and decompose into a ball of sad lonely singleness

(15:02) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: it’s cuffing season hoshi

(15:02) NaCl: better ask hirugami out before someone else cuffs him

(15:03) halfpint: instigating assclowns

(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: wait rq hoshi  
(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: don’t just ask him out bc ur lonely bc those kinda relationships don’t work  
(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: when u ask someone out u gotta think: would u mind being with him five years from now? ten? thirty? and if u say no u shall not ask him out  
(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: unless he’s rich

(15:03) halfpint: I WANT HIM NOW AND FOREVERI IM GONNA GO NOW AND TRY NOT TO PUSSY OUT

(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: lit

(15:03) NaCl: nice work

(15:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: no homo but everything u say melts my heart

(15:04) NaCl: shut up  
(15:04) NaCl: but like not actually. continue

(15:04) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: ♥‿♥ ♥‿♥ ♥‿♥

(15:04) everything nice: new rule: futakuchi and shirabu can’t be coupley in the chat

(15:04) mr. director: all who agree say aye

(15:04) #1: Aye

(15:04) Yahaba: Aye

(15:04) Mommy: Aye.

(15:04) halfpint: aye

(15:04) 2.5braincells: Aye!!!!

(15:04) spice daddy: idk i kinda like it

(15:04) Daddy: we’re outnumbered teru

(15:04) mr. director: it’s settled, 7-4. all who disobey shall be kicked from the chat immediately

(15:04) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: but

(15:05) mr. director: no ifs ands or buts

(15:05) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: :(

 

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(16:03) halfpint: I TOLD HIM I LIKE HIM AND HE SAID DUH NOW CAN WE GO BACK TO PICKING OUR TIES OUT  
(16:03) halfpint: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN  
(16:03) halfpint: HES  
(16:03) halfpint: SUCH  
(16:03) halfpint: A  
(16:03) halfpint: FUCKHEAD  
(16:03) halfpint: AND I CANT STOP SAYING FUCKHEAD I BLAME IT ON YOU FUTANARI @Shirabu’s Boyfriend

(16:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: to quote usuri michiru “I ain’t do shit.”

(16:03) halfpint: YOU SAID FUCKHEAD AND ITS IN MY BRAIN

(16:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: okay maybe i did a lil shit  
(16:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: also that s u c k s what are u gonna do

(16:03) halfpint: pick a fucking tie :(i gotta go hes callin

(16:03) 2.5braincells: Hey, so, not to interrupt Hoshiumi’s newly developed mental break down status, but I’m witnessing the Miya twins be nice to each other, and I hate it… but also adore it!!!! This is the cutest thing ever!

(16:03) Shirabu’s Boyfriend: that’s cute but shirabu is cuter

(16:03) 2.5braincells: You’re lovestruck is showing.

_16:03 Shirabu’s Boyfriend’s name has been changed to futanari._

(16:03) 2.5braincells: All better!

(16:03) futanari: :( guess i just gotta make shirabu my profile pic then

(16:03) mr. director: NO

(16:03) futanari: :(

 

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(20:08) spice daddy: unpopular opinion: let them be happy and in love but like instead of discouraging it in the chat encourage it outside of the chat ;)

(20:08) NaCl: thanks, yuuji, i appreciate you

(20:08) spice daddy: wOAH  
(20:08) spice daddy: is shirabu being nice

(20:08) NaCl: it’ll never happen again

(20:08) spice daddy: wh

(20:08) 2.5braincells: What does “wh” truly mean?  
(20:08) 2.5braincells: What? Why? Whore? When?

(20:08) mr. director: usuri, it’s time to take a break.

 

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(01:03) Daddy: ive decided to be conscious of how people see me

(01:03) Mommy: Why? :(

(01:03) Daddy: because i’ve realized i can’t gain followers to take over the world unless i’m likeable

(01:04) Mommy: Oh, okay. I understand.

(01:04) Daddy: how do u see me keiji

(01:04) Mommy: Check your pms.

(01:04) Daddy: fuck, you’re so fucking hot

(01:04) futanari: WHY IS THIS OKAY BUT MY LOVE FOR SHIRABU ISN’T

(01:04) Yahaba: Because Atsumu and Akaashi are mildly entertaining and dramatic, mainly because Atsumu is stupid, but you and Shirabu are sugar and everything nice without the spice despite your stupidity, so… boring

(01:04) futanari: I HATE YOU

(01:04) Yahaba: Wtf you’re even starting to sound like Shirabu now, too

(01:04) futanari: TERUSHIMA HELP

(01:04) spice daddy: if yahaba were wrong i totally would but he isn’t lmao

(01:04) Yahaba: Ha

(01:05) 2.5braincells: Wow, the second-hand triumph with reading Yahaba’s “Ha” was the best thing I’ve ever felt.

(01:05) spice daddy: ur either still a virgin or stuck in a dreadfully unfulfilling sexual relationship

(01:05) 2.5braincells: Don’t remind me, or mark my words, Terushima Yuuji, I will have your head.

(01:05) Yahaba: So, we invite this kid into our chat, and responds to our kindness by threatening to decapitate Terushima?  
(01:05) Yahaba: I changed my mind, Usuri. You’re not half-bad

(01:05) 2.5braincells: Thanks, peer-approval means a lot to me these days.

 

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(09:16) Yahaba: Hey, guess what?

(09:16) NaCl: what loser

(09:16) Yahaba: Darling

(09:16) NaCl: what the fuck

(09:16) Yahaba: I shot the finger puppeteer an email, and he said to call people darling until I want to kill someone. He says eventually I won’t want to kill anyone anymore when I see/hear the word. I thought I’d test it on you guys first

(09:17) NaCl: yahaba i think you and kyoutani need a new therapist

(09:17) Yahaba: Shut up, darling

(09:17) halfpint: is it just me or does the way yahaba type darling take all of the romanticism out of it

(09:17) NaCl: no, you’re definitely right. translation: shut up, bitch

(09:17) Yahaba: I love that you can read between the lines even if there are no lines, just a word being misused for the purpose of quack therapy

(09:17) NaCl: of course i can read yahaba by now, i’ve been studying an entire two years

(09:17) Yahaba: You make me swoon

(09:17) halfpint: wats he sayin shirabu

(09:17) NaCl: you can die, but i’ve enjoyed our friendship enough to not have killed you yet

(09:17) halfpint: wow ur like google translate or smth  
(09:18) halfpint: shirabu y did my dad leave us

(09:18) NaCl: now, hoshiumi, i’m simply google translate, not a search engine

(09:18) halfpint: im jk he just left for work hes coming back at 5

(09:18) Yahaba: What the fuck, Hoshiumi?

(09:18) halfpint: lol

 

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(22:18) spice daddy: new rule: it’s illegal to be lame

(22:18) Yahaba: Sorry, Shirabu, looks like you’re doing time

(22:18) NaCl: first of all  
(22:18) NaCl: fuck you, lameass  
(22:18) NaCl: and second, terushima, kawanishis not going to suddenly become interested in norwegian politics just because you say it’s illegal to be lame

(22:18) Yahaba: Come again?

(22:18) spice daddy: okay but like he at least has to admit that the way they handle sexual issues is supreme  
(22:19) spice daddy: https://www.theguardian.com/society/video/2015/jul/01/giant-glitter-penis-sexual-health-campaign-video

(22:19) Yahaba: I really fail to see how a screaming, glitter-ejaculating penis constitutes as supreme handling of a sexual, nor do I see how it relates to politics

(22:19) spice daddy: yahaba said the same thing is taichi  
(22:20) spice daddy: yahaba is illegal now  
(22:20) spice daddy: go back to where you came from  
(22:20) spice daddy: immigrating to cooltown wont erase your lameville roots

(22:20) NaCl: did u tell that to kawanishi too

(22:20) spice daddy: no our relationship makes him a cooltown citizen  
(22:20) spice daddy: barely tho hes still a loser at heart

(22:20) Yahaba: So you’re xenophobic?

(22:20) spice daddy: im married to a lame im obviously cosmopolitan

(22:21) NaCl: you're what's wrong with the world

(22:21) spice daddy: ???? HOW

(22:21) Yahaba: Your dislike for x identity (lames) and yet your false claim of support for x identity since you’re friendly with one person of x identity is a motif seen all too often both in- and (mostly) outside of literature

(22:21) spice daddy: wow yahaba i always knew you were smart  
(22:21) spice daddy: still lame tho

(22:21) Yahaba: Is he kidding for shock value?

(22:21) NaCl:

 

 

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(02:21) halfpint: my emo phase is coming late in the game

(02:21) Mommy: Please go to sleep, Hoshiumi.

(02:21) halfpint: but mom im busy painting my nails black

(02:21) Mommy: Hoshiumi, do you need to see a therapist?

(02:21) halfpint: mom its not just a phase >:(

(02:21) Mommy: So yes?

(02:21) halfpint: get out of my room i need my space >:(

(02:21) futanari: (self-promo) i do exorcisms

(02:21) Mommy: I can handle it. I watched mob psycho 100.

(02:22) futanari: isnt that like  
(02:22) futanari: killing spirits without the exorcism

(02:22) Mommy: Same thing.

(02:22) halfpint: fuck yeah lay me down in witchcraft circle and acetone my nails while you preach unrelated latin phrases to me

(02:22) Mommy: Alright, I’ll come over Saturday.

(02:22) Daddy: but im supposed to see u sunday

(02:22) Mommy: I’ll be back by Sunday, sweetheart.

(02:22) futanari: okay not even gonna complain abt u guys being coupley  
(02:22) futanari: but like  
(02:22) futanari: swEETHEART?  
(02:22) futanari: WHEN HAS MIYA ATSUMU EVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT A BITTER EVIL INSOUCIANT(LOVABLE) HEDONIST SHITHEAD

(02:22) halfpint: uh oh those are a lot of big words there

(02:22) Daddy: futanari mad

(02:22) halfpint: futanari smash

(02:23) futanari: ADHDJKDHDJSKSKDHJSISLS

(02:23) halfpint: i think hes still mad you guys haven’t been banned from being a couple

(02:23) futanari: HKJDJSJSUSJKSKSJDHSIOSKDK

(02:23) Daddy: ig that makes sense but i thought u guys were cute so don’t come after me

(02:23) futanari: first u guys go off misspelling my name  
(02:23) futanari: second u misspell my name

(02:23) Mommy: Futanari’s Grievance List: 1. We all misspell his name 2. We all misspell his name. 3. Cut for length.

(02:23) futanari: Akaashi Keiji’s Grievance List: 1. Because of his boyfriend’s defiance, Usuri is in the groupchat despite his verbal opposition. 2. He can't control his boyfriend in the group chat. 3. He can't control his boyfriend in the bedroom. 4. Cut for length.

(02:24) Daddy: keiji and i are one person. how dare you

(02:24) Mommy: Keiji and Atsumu’s Joint Grievance List: 1. Futanari has falsely accused him of being two separate humans. 2. Futanari underestimates Keiji’s control of his other half. 3. Cut for length.

(02:24) futanari: not gonna lie i don’t have a comeback for that one

(02:24) Daddy: as you shouldn’t

(02:24) futanari: alright now that we’ve roasted each other can i ask a question

(02:24) Mommy: Go for it.

(02:24) futanari: is it that you’re two separate aliens not humans  
(02:24) futanari: jk jk jk  
(02:24) futanari: don’t leave pls  
(02:24) futanari: i really wanted to ask who’s the denominator

(02:25) halfpint: ya ive been wondering too

(02:25) Daddy: we haven’t fucked like that yet

(02:25) Mommy: Atsumu, we agreed not to talk about our sex life.

(02:25) Daddy: i only agreed to that when there was nothing to talk about

(02:25) Mommy: Fuck you.

(02:25) Daddy: wish you would

(02:25) halfpint: yall nasty

(02:25) futanari: so does that mean daddy is the denominator

(02:25) Mommy: Shut up, Futanari.

(02:26) halfpint: that means atsumu calls akaashi daddy right

(02:26) futanari: think so

(02:26) halfpint: guess i owe ennoshita 2000 yen

(02:26) Daddy: i hate you

(02:26) halfpint: ha we all know im one of your favorites

(02:26) Daddy: stfu everyone in this chat is a favorite

(02:26) Mommy: Goodnight.

(02:26) Daddy: goodnight keiji ilove u ur my absolute favorite

(02:27) futanari: we’re chopped liver hoshiumi

(02:27) halfpint: smh


	7. realism duh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry i forgot to post before i got cutoff from the goddamn internet but imback so here's some trash food ;)

(05:23) Yahaba: I didn’t get no sleep ‘cause of y’all (making my phone vibrate)  
(05:23) Yahaba: Y’all ain’t gonna get no sleep ‘cause of me (making your phone vibrate)

(05:23) spice daddy: if you get a chance to treat them how they treated you i hope you choose to walk away

(05:23) Yahaba: Can you not send motivational quotes in the group chat?  
(05:23) Yahaba: And you’re only becoming an accessory to this no-sleep movement

(05:24) spice daddy: u call it a movement like ur fighting for some huge cause lmfao

(05:24) Yahaba: But I am  
(05:24) Yahaba: Sleep affects everyone. Sleep and death are the hugest causes.

(05:24) spice daddy: ur a fool

(05:24) Yahaba: Please don’t try to replace pre-Shirabu Futakuchi Kenji with me

(05:24) spice daddy: a challenge. i like it

(05:24) Yahaba: I hate that you like annoying me, but I can relate, and I hate that I’m able to relate to you in any sense

(05:24) spice daddy: fuck yeah were friends now

(05:25) Yahaba: You whore  
(05:25) Yahaba: You dare call me your friend

(05:25) spice daddy: yes i do and one day ur gonna like me calling u my friend and thats either gonna be super cool or itll take all the fun out of calling u my friend in the first place

(05:25) Yahaba: I think both will happen in that order

(05:25) spice daddy: ily yahababe let’s get starbucks and tell semi how well shirabus doing with kenji

(05:25) Yahaba: Alright, be there in forty minutes

(05:25) spice daddy: fuck yeah

 

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(07:23) futanari: THERE ARE DECIMETERS OF SNOW ON THE GROUND  
(07:23) futanari: AND THESE BOYS ARE GOING OUTSIDE TO GET STARBUCKS?  
(07:23) futanari: OH AND THANKS FOR RHE TWO MINUTE WAKE UP BUZZ YOU DEGENERATES

(07:23) mr. director: something’s seriously wrong if futakuchi is calling people degenerates

(07:23) futanari: IM MAD THEY DIDNT INVITE ME TO STARBUCKS

(07:23) spice daddy: would u like to meet us at starbucks

(07:24) mr. director: @futanari likewise but not really  
(07:24) mr. director: @spice daddy please bring a cake pop to set this afternoon

(07:24) spice daddy: got it boss

(07:24) futanari: damn i want a boss can i get in on ur cult

(07:24) mr. director: sorry it’s leader invite only

(07:24) futanari: fuck can’t I audition

(07:24) mr. director: if you’re invited to. you’re not, by the way

(07:24) futanari: ur so mean director-san :(

 

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(12:03) halfpint: yo anyone wanna listen to depressing lofi and curl into a ball and decompose or is it just me

(12:03) Daddy: not just u

(12:03) Mommy: How are we supposed to take over the world if you’re busy being human compost?

(12:03) Daddy: hoshiumi im gonna have to take a rain check

(12:03) Mommy: :)

(12:03) Daddy: keiji will u decompose with me after we’ve conquered the peasant minds of every being to ever breathe air on this earth

(12:04) Mommy: Do you even need to ask?

(12:04) Daddy: i love reaffirmation that ur in love with me too

(12:04) halfpint: yall nasty  
(12:04) halfpint: oh nd not to be a weirdloser but  
(12:05) halfpint: earlier u proudly said “KEIJI LIKES FUCKING ME” but later said that yall havenr done that yet  
(12:05) halfpint: ???? did u lie to me to play up ur appeal

(12:05) Daddy: i’ve sworn to secrecy

(12:05) halfpint: y did mom bring up ur agreement then

(12:05) Daddy: he told me if i renege i’ll die and i’m not ready for that yet

(12:05) halfpint: yet  
(12:05) halfpint: so we can listen to lofi and die together sometime after all :)

(12:06) Yahaba: Is it even love if you don’t threaten to kill each other?

(12:06) Mommy: No.

(12:06) spice daddy: are you yahaba shigeru the first of seijoh insinuating that kawanishi and i arent in love  
(12:06) spice daddy: because ur RONG CAPITAL R

(12:06) Yahaba: Feels good to not relate to you again

(12:06) spice daddy: u guys have issues  
(12:06) spice daddy: i like being friends with people more fucked up yet more put together than me

 

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(15:38) mr. director: i hope you don’t mind me asking @Mommy but what do you plan to do once you’ve overtaken earth?

(15:38) Mommy: Wreak havoc and subsequently put the world partially back together. Why? Do you want to join?

(15:39) mr. director: that sounds fun, but i’d prefer to write a biographical documentary if you don’t mind

(15:39) Mommy: Go for it.

(15:39) spice daddy: can i play atsumu

(15:39) mr. director: if you don’t die first, yeah

(15:39) Daddy: we’ll spare everyone here, right, keiji?

(15:39) Mommy: Sure, but I think Ennoshita meant Terushima would die by doing something dangerous and foolish before we initiate our plan.

(15:39) Daddy: oh  
(15:39) Daddy: teru ur not allowed to die before we conquer the world that’s final

(15:40) spice daddy: i like it when you give me orders ;)

(15:40) Mommy: Okay, we won’t spare him.

(15:40) Daddy: keiji :(

(15:40) halfpint: its so good to know that all of my super hot friends are batshit

(15:40) Daddy: fuck off

(15:40) halfpint: makes me feel better about being like  
(15:40) halfpint: cute insteada hot  
(15:40) halfpint: bc im sane and all

(15:40) Daddy: r u serious

(15:40) mr. director: ^

(15:40) halfpint: yes  
(15:40) halfpint: relatively

(15:40) futanari: am i one of ur super hot friends i remember ur ladder  
(15:41) futanari: im not crazy

(15:41) mr. director: lol funny joke hahaha jsksjsjsjskb XD dead rawr lmfaooooo jajaja

(15:41) Daddy: i try not to question ennoshita bc he intimidates me, but what the fuck was that

(15:41) halfpint: he was just callin futanari a liar

(15:41) futanari: HOW

(15:41) Daddy: i think his flaw is more stupidity rather than crazy

(15:41) halfpint: HE WINKED AT A RANDOM GUY ON TJE STREET AND HAD SEX WITH HIM FOR MONEY  
(15:41) halfpint: AND HE DOESNT USE PROTECTION

(15:41) futanari: hey how’d u know that :(

(15:41) halfpint: U TOLD ME WHEN U WERE HIGH

(15:41) futanari: okayyyy so im a risk taker when it comes to sex and other people but how else am i crazy

(15:42) spice daddy: everytime someone wrongs u after u try to fight them u get high n write their name on fortune cookie paper and put it in an ice cube tray and keep their ice cube in a bag  
(15:42) spice daddy: ive seen all 47 ice cubes in there babe

(15:42) futanari: hey @Daddy @Mommy why haven’t you denied that akaashi keiji is crazy?

(15:42) Mommy: Even Kourai can see through your deflections, Futanari.

(15:42) futanari: cant tell if he was hotter when he spelled my name correctly or if the disrespect turns me on

(15:42) Mommy: Don’t you have a boyfriend? @NaCl

(15:42) NaCl: kenji, i’ll kill you

(15:42) Yahaba: @spice daddy Told you so

(15:42) spice daddy: f*CK OFF  
(15:42) futanari: baby i’m sorry

(15:42) NaCl: whatever

(15:42) futanari: still nobody’s denied that akaashis crazy what does that mean

(15:43) mr. director: the hypothesis was correct

(15:43) Daddy: okay, so keiji might map out scenarios that are likely never going to happen and their solutions, and he might plot to take over the world with nuclear weapons and taekwondo babies, but he’s so perfect

(15:43) halfpint: what are taekwondo babies

(15:43) Daddy: two year olds well versed in taekwondo

(15:43) halfpint: omg @Mommy please take over the world before i die i wanna see this so bad

(15:43) futanari: why babies?

(15:43) Daddy: bc they’re cute and u wouldn’t expect an asskicking from them

(15:43) Mommy: Atsumu, switch to pms.

(15:44) futanari: do i even wanna know what that means

(15:44) halfpint: atsu probably revealed too much  
(15:44) halfpint: wouldnt be surprised if atsumus head were on the main pike outside of keijis utopia

(15:44) Yahaba: They’re probably just going to sext

(15:44) NaCl: ew why do you think about it like that

(15:44) spice daddy: realism duh

(15:44) futanari: it makes me so happy to see my chat so active

(15:44) mr. director: stop acting like a dad. you’re, like, four

(15:44) spice daddy: world star

 

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(19:12) spice daddy: so i just told my boyfriend ill kill him bc apparently it isnt real love if i dont

(19:13) NaCl: you fucking buffoon

(19:13) spice daddy: its okay lol he just said tell me more

(19:13) NaCl: you have to be annoyed with him before you threaten to kill him, fool

(19:13) spice daddy: but im never annoyed with him and i wanted in on the fun :(

(19:13) everything nice: wow that’s cute

(19:13) NaCl: it’s disgusting

(19:13) everything nice: u should accept that ur best friend’s being defiled by a smooth undercut idiotgenius by now

(19:14) NaCl: ugh

(19:14) spice daddy: yeah what tora said

(19:14) everything nice: got ur back bro＼(￣ー＼)(／ー￣)／

(19:14) spice daddy: ily bro

(19:14) 2.5braincells: I’ve never seen them outside of Instagram, but Terushima and Kawanishi are iconic.

(19:14) NaCl: i’m leaking your bikini pics

(19:14) 2.5braincells: NO!!!!!!!

(19:14) everything nice: can we do that most likely to game

(19:14) NaCl: no

(19:15) 2.5braincells: YES!!!!!

(19:15) spice daddy: can i put them together pls pls pls pls pls pls pls

(19:15) NaCl: especially no

(19:15) everything nice: LET'S DO IT

(19:15) spice daddy: be back in an hour

(19:15) Yahaba: I want in on the fun

(19:15) futanari: me too

(19:15) spice daddy: u may submit to @terushimayuujisgotthespice private message on groupme

(19:15) futanari: FT

(19:16) spice daddy: im already FTing yamamoto

(19:16) futanari: skype

(19:16) Yahaba: ^

(19:16) spice daddy: okayyyy but i wanna be the spokesperson

(19:16) Yahaba: Deal. We’ll return shortly

 

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(20:34) spice daddy: k so we werent really ready to come back but yahaba was being a dick and said we had to come back in an hour  
(20:34) spice daddy: so let me brief u guys  
(20:34) spice daddy: instead of deciding among our small council weve decided to make this a poll  
(20:35) spice daddy: friendly reminder of the possible answers:  
1\. Usuri Michiru  
2\. Sakusa Kiyoomi  
3\. Yamamoto Taketora  
4\. Akaashi Keiji  
5\. Miya Atsumu  
6\. Hoshiumi Kourai  
7\. Terushima Yuuji  
8\. Futakuchi Kenji  
9\. Shirabu Kenjirou  
10\. Ennoshita Chikara  
11\. Yahaba Shigeru  
(20:35) spice daddy: and now for the polls (that u have 24hrs to answer :))  
(20:35) spice daddy: most likely to:  
1\. masturbate in public  
2. masturbate in public and get caught  
3\. join a group chat late and type with too many exclamation points  
4\. fuck a cactus  
5\. kill his s/o  
6\. role play prey/hunter  
7\. get caught with weed  
8\. get arrested  
9\. murder and get away with it  
10\. become super rich  
11\. die young  
12\. eat something alive  
13\. idolize jeffrey dahmer  
14\. still have a crush on a disney channel character  
15\. get dumped by his s/o  
16\. be daddy dom  
17\. eat his sorrows away  
18\. initiate public sex  
19\. agree to have public sex  
20\. have public sex and get caught  
21\. get punched in the face  
22\. be lame and not ask his crush out  
23\. eat ass  
24\. buy the wrong pills  
25\. plan to brainwash babies  
26\. get angry when a bird looks at him for too long  
27\. feed the birds fries next to a don’t feed the birds sign  
28\. come without telling his partner  
29\. accidentally send someone a dick pic  
30\. receive an accidental dick pic and like it  
31\. win a hotdog eating contest  
32\. have a studyblr/aesthetic blog on Tumblr  
33\. get helicopter chased by the police  
34\. say ur not allowed to break up w me when his s/o tries to break up w him  
35\. start a war in the groupchat  
36\. start a war in the club room  
37\. start world war iii  
38\. eat buffalo ballsack after being told it’s duck  
39\. fall in love with an idiot  
40\. not go to college  
41\. get expelled from college  
42\. steal your man  
43\. masturbate to something not sexual  
44\. search for weird porn  
45\. have sex while people not involved are within a one meter radius  
46\. steal your research paper and burn it in front of you because he thought itd be funny  
47\. buy 27 plants  
48\. kill all his plants  
49\. secretly hate us  
50\. secretly like us  
51\. (bonus) start a lizard revolution

(20:35) Yahaba: Still kinda freaks me out that you know all of our full names by heart  
(20:35) Yahaba: Middle name and everything

(20:35) spice daddy: its in case of an emergency

(20:35) Yahaba: Sounds like something Usuri would say with a lot of exclamation points

(20:35) Daddy: i think he actually has  
(20:36) Daddy: i only read half of your most likely to bullshits and im feelin real targeted and not appreciatin it

(20:36) Yahaba: It was on purpose. You’re welcome

(20:36) Daddy: f*ck you

(20:36) Yahaba: Ha. You wish

(20:36) Daddy: why are we doing most likely tos we aren’t even you-tubers

(20:37) spice daddy: its fun

(20:37) futanari: okay we have to do superlatives too

(20:37) spice daddy: wait for the poll results first

(20:37) futanari: okay dad smh such a lameo these days

(20:37) spice daddy: excuse you

(20:37) futanari: u never wanna pretend to be cows on farmland or explore strange cities in unicorn costumes w me anymore

(20:37) spice daddy: but weve already explored so much

(20:37) futanari: there’s a whole ass world out there that u wanted to see and all u do is go to kawanishis dorm and cuddle

(20:37) spice daddy: you were literally next door one hour ago

(20:38) futanari: ya but like shirabu doesn’t hinder my adventure he even comes w sometimes

(20:38) spice daddy: do u mean to tell me you went to the european culture and sex store without me

(20:38) futanari: bc u flaked

(20:38) spice daddy: imSORRY :( i forgot pls let it go

(20:28) futanari: it was yday u want me to let it go already

(20:38) spice daddy: -12hoursbago but ya

(20:38) futanari: u can buy me sushi to make it up to me

(20:38) spice daddy: and

(20:39) futanari: what

(20:39) spice daddy: ik u want smth else u scheming fuck

(20:39) futanari: u know me so well :)  
(20:39) futanari: fire

(20:39) spice daddy: im free saturday

(20:39) futanari: i have a date with kenjirou  
(20:39) futanari: see how i check if i promised to spend time w someone before i go off making plans

(20:39) spice daddy: f*ck u  
(20:39) spice daddy: give me a day and ill clear my calendar

(20:39) Yahaba: Why are we censoring our fucks all this sudden?

(20:39) spice daddy: its like  
(20:40) spice daddy: fuck you but friendlier

(20:40) mr. director: idiots everywhere


	8. Okay, so after some reflection, I recognize that calling my friend’s boyfriend “daddy” is fundamentally wrong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futakuchi will never have authority + most likely to shits + some futashira for the soul + self love coach Yamamoto + akamiya bc... cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw dick drawing lmfao

(16:02) Daddy: keiji, i haven't come in three days and i blame you

(16:02) Mommy: How are you going to train the ducks if you can’t even check that you’re in the correct chat?

(16:02) Daddy: whatever, i fucked up, but keiji, stop the deflection. this is serious

(16:02) Mommy: He seems to be growing smarter, which is both pleasantly surprising and deeply disturbing.

(16:02) Daddy: KEIJI

(16:02) Mommy: I thought you might like to know what I’ve just scribed in my Atsumu journal.

(16:02) Daddy: babe please

(16:02) Mommy: I have to go lead stretches.

(16:02) Daddy: but i’m horny now :(

(16:02) Mommy: I wish I could help you, but I have to lead stretches. I’ll text you in three hours.

(16:03) Daddy: game in 3 hours

(16:03) Mommy: Go masturbate already.

(16:03) Daddy: love you

(16:03) Mommy: I love you too. Bye.

 

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(18:21) Yahaba: I’m just going to pretend I never saw their conversation and give you all a friendly reminder that our poll ends in two hours

(18:21) #1: Why are we having a poll?

(18:21) Yahaba: It’s a method of measuring depravity among the group  
(18:21) Yahaba: Of course, I didn’t tell Terushima that when we were writing the sentences :)

(18:21) #1: Alright then

(18:21) mr. director: oh, yahaba, why didn’t you tell me? i would have started a wager earlier

(18:21) Yahaba: I was waiting until Terushima lost to point it out, but I thought I’d give Sakusa a proper explanation

(18:22) mr. director: alright that’s fair. i’m betting on terushima. text in your favorite loser, and based on the number of nominations, we’ll decide the winnings and losses

(18:22) futanari: can the losers dress up and do a cover video of superfreak

(18:22) mr. director: i like that. i’ll film it for you

(18:22) futanari: does that mean u can be my boss

(18:22) Yahaba: Wouldn't that make you the boss, Futakuchi?

(18:22) 2.5braincells: I’ve only been here a few weeks, but I’ve picked up that Futakuchi will never be the boss in this group despite his willingness to take initiative.  
(18:22) 2.5braincells: (Just an observation.)  
(18:22) 2.5braincells: (Please don’t hate me, Futanari-san.)

(18:22) futanari: f*ck all three of u

(18:22) Yahaba: Shirabu’s effect has really taken to you, and I don’t like it

(18:23) mr. director: don’t worry, he still has a lot of idiot left

(18:23) futanari: thanks, ennoshita

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(20:45) spice daddy: THE RESULTS ARE IN

(20:45) Yahaba: They were in an hour ago

(20:45) spice daddy: BUT NOW ITS OFFICIAL

(20:45) mr. director: everyone except sakusa bet again. 5 for terushima and 3 for futakuchi and 2 for atsumu

(20:45) spice daddy: i voted for futakuchi so i can be in the music video ;)  
(20:45) spice daddy: ALRIGHT HERE WE GO  
(20:45) spice daddy:  
1\. masturbate in public **Terushima Yuuji**  
2\. masturbate in public and get caught **Futakuchi Kenji**  
3\. join a group chat late and type with too many exclamation points **Usuri Michiru**  
4\. fuck a cactus **Yamamoto Taketora**  
5\. kill his s/o **Akaashi Keiji**  
6\. role play prey/hunter **Yahaba Shigeru**  
7\. get caught with weed **Hoshiumi Kourai**  
8\. get arrested **Miya Atsumu**  
9\. murder and get away with it **Akaashi Keiji**  
10\. become super rich **Ennoshita Chikara**  
11\. die young **Terushima Yuuji**  
12\. eat something alive **Terushima Yuuji**  
13\. idolize jeffrey dahmer **Akaashi Keiji**  
14\. still have a crush on a disney channel character **Futakuchi Kenji**  
15\. get dumped by his s/o **Shirabu Kenjirou**  
16\. be daddy dom **Sakusa Kiyoomi**  
17\. eat his sorrows away **Hoshiumi Kourai** (everyone except hoshiumi voted hoshiumi on this one)  
18\. initiate public sex **Miya Atsumu**  
19\. agree to have public sex **Shirabu Kenjirou**  
20\. have public sex and get caught **Terushima Yuuji**  
21\. get punched in the face **Miya Atsumu**  
22\. be lame and not ask his crush out **Yamamoto Taketora**  
23\. eat ass **Terushima Yuuji**  
24\. buy the wrong pills **Usuri Michiru**  
25\. plan to brainwash babies **Akaashi Keiji**  
26\. get angry when a bird looks at him for too long **Sakusa Kiyoomi**  
27\. feed the birds fries next to a don’t feed the birds sign **Futakuchi Kenji**  
28\. come without telling his partner **Usuri Michiru**  
29\. accidentally send someone a dick pic **Miya Atsumu**  
30\. receive an accidental dick pic and like it **Akaashi Keiji**  
31\. win a hotdog eating contest **Miya Atsumu**  
32\. have a studyblr/aesthetic blog on tumblr **Ennoshita Chikara**  
33\. get helicopter chased by the police **Terushima Yuuji**  
34\. say ur not allowed to break up w me when his s/o tries to break up w him **Ennoshita Chikara**  
35\. start a war in the groupchat **Ennoshita Chikara**  
36\. start a war in the club room **Futakuchi Kenji**  
37\. start World War III **Akaashi Keiji**  
38\. eat buffalo ballsack after being told it’s duck **Hoshiumi Kourai**  
39\. fall in love with an idiot **Akaashi Keiji**  
40\. not go to college **Hoshiumi Kourai**  
41\. get expelled from college **Futakuchi Kenji**  
42\. steal your man **Shirabu Kenjirou**  
43\. masturbate to something not sexual **Usuri Michiru**  
44\. search for weird porn **Sakusa Kiyoomi**  
45\. have sex while people not involved are within a one meter radius **Terushima Yuuji**  
46\. steal your research paper and burn it in front of you because he thought itd be funny **Futakuchi Kenji**  
47\. buy 27 plants **Yahaba Shigeru**  
48\. kill all his plants **Shirabu Kenjirou**  
49\. secretly hate us **Futakuchi Kenji**  
50\. secretly like us **Sakusa Kiyoomi**  
51\. (bonus) start a lizard revolution **Akaashi Keiji**

(20:49) mr. director: well this is cumbersome

(20:49) spice daddy: wat

(20:49) mr. director: we all lost the bet. akaashi’s depravity score is 8, yours and futakuchi’s 7, Atsumu’s 5, the rest of us scoring either 2 or 4

(20:49) Mommy: So, do I get a prize?

(20:49) spice daddy: ya  
(20:49) spice daddy:

   
(20:49) spice daddy: i made it for whoever would win  
(20:49) spice daddy: lowkey wanted to keep it but whatevs

(20:50) Mommy: I was kidding. You can keep your fucked up golden penis.

(20:50) mr. director: let’s take that out of context

(20:50) NaCl: let’s not

(20:50) spice daddy: u dont wanna think abt my fucked up golden penis?

(20:50) futanari: @spice daddy you’re dead

(20:50) spice daddy: or we can have a four way

(20:50) futanari: @spice daddy you’re no longer dead

(20:50) mr. director: i’ll film for two thousand yen/hour

(20:50) NaCl: what

(20:50) mr. director: what

(20:50) spice daddy: fuck yeah

(20:50) futanari: ;)

(20:51) Mommy: Kenjirou, if they bother you, I can and will kill them for you.

(20:51) NaCl: i’m so glad we’re friends

(20:51) futanari: their friendship is terrifying and adorable, and i want one

(20:51) spice daddy: u already have one baby ;)

(20:51) NaCl: stay back, slut

(20:51) mr. director: you two are anything but adorable and a completely different kind of terrifying

(20:51) spice daddy: dont listen to the haters futa futa

(20:51) futanari: yeah, f*ck u ennoshita, teru and i r iconic  
(20:51) futanari: (platonically)  
(20:51) futanari: (kenjirou don’t kill me)

(20:51) Mommy: Yes, you are, but our friendships are simply uncomparable given their distinct natures.

(20:51) Daddy: i’m late to the party, but keiji, i’m so proud of u ❤️

(20:51) Mommy: Thank you, Atsumu. :)

(20:51) Yahaba: Ew, my heart did that little squishy warm thing. Get out of my groupchat

(20:51) futanari: THIS IS MY GROUPCHAT AND I SAY COUPLEDOM SHALL REIGN 

(20:51) spice daddy: u fucking tyrant i love u

(20:51) NaCl: same

(20:51) futanari: oh, your approval means so much to me  
(20:51) futanari: not to sound like usuri or whatever

(20:52) 2.5braincells: So mean, Futanari-kun! I just want to be one of you guys.

(20:52) futanari: tyrant futanari permits u to be one of us

(20:52) NaCl: kenji you’re so cute

(20:52) futanari: omg he thinks i’m cute

(20:52) spice daddy: ooooooo

(20:52) Yahaba: Stop this madness

(20:52) futanari: NEVER

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(01:12) NaCl: it feels weird dating someone who’s been one of your closest friends  
(01:12) NaCl: don’t dump me like that most likely to thing said tho kenji  
(01:12) NaCl: @Mommy how do i act

(01:12) Mommy: Well, unfortunately, Atsumu and I were never friends, so I don’t know how to answer your question. @mr. director please help.

(01:12) Yahaba: Your man needs you @futanari

(01:12) mr. director: yahaba no  
(01:12) mr. director: dating your friend is weird, yes  
(01:13) mr. director: but you just have to accept that  
(01:13) mr. director: think of it as a normal friendship, but you can make out and have sex whenever you both want

(01:13) NaCl: so like  
(01:13) NaCl: is it weird if i call him a fucking idiot now  
(01:13) NaCl: i feel like i’m not supposed to, but i want to sometimes because he is, not that i don't love it or whatever

(01:13) Yahaba: Even I don't do that, Shirabooboo

(01:13) Mommy: I do, but if he only minorly deserves it, then I sandwich it between compliments.

(01:13) NaCl: okay so like be nice but mean if he really deserves it

(01:13) mr. director: yes, but let’s talk about why you want to call him an idiot

(01:14) NaCl: so when he does something stupid it’s like an instinct  
(01:14) NaCl: because i’m an asshole, and i got used to reprimanding him during our friendship, but i feel like it’s mean, and i don’t wanna be mean to him because he’s cute and nice to me

(01:14) mr. director: i feel that  
(01:14) mr. director: are you annoyed that he’s being an idiot because it’s endangering him,  
(01:14) mr. director: or because he annoys you

(01:14) NaCl: oh  
(01:14) NaCl: it makes sense now  
(01:14) NaCl: thanks guys

(01:14) Yahaba: Aww, you’re worried he’s ruining himself with his own stupidity

(01:14) NaCl: shut up  
(01:14) NaCl: @Mommy how do you deal with it

(01:15) Mommy: Atsumu knows I’ll demolish anyone who hurts him including himself, which is a strategy that I’m not sure will work for your relationship with Futakuchi.

(01:15) NaCl: fuck

(01:15) mr. director: well, i think about how long tanaka’s been an idiot, and i ask myself if he’s died yet, and since the answer is no, i will myself to trust him not to die when he goes out with his stupid friends  
(01:15) mr. director: and he always comes back safely :)

(01:15) NaCl: so you’re telling me to embrace the idiocy as long as he’s alive

(01:15) mr. director: if it works for you

(01:15) Yahaba: You’ll figure it out eventually  
(01:15) Yahaba: Talk to Futakuchi about how you feel. He probably feels the same way, minus wanting to call you a fucking idiot

(01:15) NaCl: for someone in such a shitty and uncommunicative relationship, u give decent advice

(01:15) Yahaba: The finger puppeteer is moronic but wise. Maybe one day you can take your own advice and visit him

(01:16) NaCl: not a chance

(01:16) mr. director: does he do solo sessions?

(01:16) NaCl: as long as u pay the same rate

(01:16) mr. director: cool

(01:16) Yahaba: Ennoshita, are you seeking help?

(01:16) mr. director: akaashi’s got me thinking about death, and i’ve decided to start a bucket list

(01:16) Yahaba: What when

(01:16) mr. director: one minute ago. seeking the finger puppet therapist for my amusement is at the top of my list

(01:16) Yahaba: Seems legit

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(06:12) futanari: wow my boyfriend doesn’t know how to be himself around me i’m offended  
(06:12) futanari: i’m kidding don’t hate me @NaCl :(  
(06:12) futanari: or am i  
(06:12) futanari: wtf is wrong with me i’ve been so sensitive lately

(06:12) halfpint: are u taking drugs

(06:12) futanari: no

(06:12) halfpint: alcoholism

(06:12) futanari: nah

(06:12) halfpint: anxiety

(06:13) futanari: idk  
(06:13) futanari: how do i know

(06:13) halfpint: idk i just read a vice article abt male irritability on snap

(06:13) futanari: well f*ck  
(06:13) futanari: let’s pretend nothing’s wrong with me

(06:13) halfpint: hey  
(06:13) halfpint: were not supposed to say it like that  
(06:13) halfpint: be woke

(06:13) futanari: IM WRONG IM MY WRONG SELF IM USUALLY CHILL

(06:13) NaCl: hi

(06:13) futanari: hello, i love you

(06:13) NaCl: meet me after school, so you can be chill again, and i can be a dick again, and we can have sex

(06:13) halfpint: couldnt you leave that last part out

(06:13) NaCl: no

(06:13) futanari: ♥‿♥♥‿♥♥‿♥♥‿♥♥‿♥♥‿♥

(06;13) Yahaba: Oh, how sweet. They think they’ll make up and be better all on their own

(06:14) halfpint: stop ur projecting

(06:14) Yahaba: I’m conducting an experiment. Hypothesis: if I project long enough, it’ll become true

(06:14) futanari: yahaba no

(06:14) Yahaba: Yahaba yes

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(09:12) 2.5braincells: Good morning, friends!

(09:12) NaCl: who said we were all your friends

(09:12) 2.5braincells: Me! To my mom! Yesterday.

(09:12) NaCl: that’s cute

(09:12) 2.5braincells: No! It’s annoying how I have to prove I’m not a friendless bastard, or else I won’t be fed my soul food. :(

(09:13) Mommy: Texting in class? Tsk, tsk, Usuri-kun.

(09:13) 2.5braincells: Class is boring!

(09:13) Mommy: I hate to agree with you, but that’s undeniable. Unless there’s acid involved.

(09:13) 2.5braincells: You pop LSD in class? That’s a little naughtier than I thought of you.

(09:13) Mommy: No, I meant acid, like HCl. I like the risk of destruction.

(09:13) 2.5braincells: Oh, that makes more sense. I knew you were lame.

(09:13) NaCl: are you guys actually having a conversation

(09:13) Mommy: Yes, I thought it would be nice if I got to know Atsumu’s friend before I kill him.

(09:13) 2.5braincells: It terrifies me that I can’t tell who you’re referring to when you say “him.”

(09:14) Mommy: Haha. Ha. Ha.  
(09:14) Mommy: I have no current plans to harm my second favorite person on Earth.

(09:14) NaCl: he's really that high up there, huh?

(09:14) Mommy: I know, I hate it. Sometimes when he says something stupid, I pretend that it’s a great idea because I like to see him smile. I’ve gone soft.

(09:14) Yahaba: What the fuck

(09:14) #1: ^

(09:14) mr. director: so if we want to save the world from akaashi’s destruction, we have to kidnap atsumu and hold him hostage

(09:14) Mommy: I’d kill you and the Earth, not that the Fortune 500 companies aren’t already doing that.

(09:14) halfpint: wtf  
(09:14) halfpint: a person who loves atsumu actually exists

(09:14) Yahaba: This is revolutionary

(09:14) mr. director: well, i didn’t really want to save the world anyway…

(09:15) Mommy: All attempts would be futile, anyway.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(17:12) 2.5braincells: Guys, help.

(17:12) everything nice: what u want

(17:12) 2.5braincells: To not rely on external validation for my self-esteem.

(17:12) everything nice: u gotta wake up and look at urself in the mirror  
(17:12) everything nice: then u gotta go  
(17:12) everything nice: fuck yeah who’s a sexy beast  
(17:13) everything nice: and boom u feel good abt urself

(17:13) Daddy: accurate

(17:13) 2.5braincells: So, I have to hype myself up every day? What if I don’t look like a sexy beast every day?

(17:13) everything nice: it ain’t like ur face is changing. if ur not a sexy beast today, u will never be a sexy beast  
(17:13) everything nice: if ur a sexy beast today, ur a sexy beast tmm

(17:13) 2.5braincells: Won’t our faces change and get wrinkly?

(17:13) everything nice: no, dude, slather vaseline on ur face every night and u stay sexy forever

(17:13) 2.5braincells: I’m going to begin this ritual starting tomorrow. Does it matter what kind of Vaseline I use?

(17:13) everything nice: nah as long as u think it’s sexy  
(17:13) everything nice: then ur rubbin sexy on ur face every night (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

(17:13) 2.5braincells: Is that a representation of its transformative powers?

(17:13) everything nice: fuck yeah it is

(17:14) 2.5braincells: If I’m sexy in two days, I’ll bake you cookies as a thank you.

(17:14) everything nice: oatmeal raisin pls

(17:14) 2.5braincells: ??? What is wrong with you?!!!!

(17:14) Daddy: what's wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies

(17:14) 2.5braincells: Literally everything.

(17:14) everything nice: wow  
(17:14) everything nice: sexy beasts accept all kinds of cookies and embrace them

(17:14) 2.5braincells: I’m destined to be an unsexy beast then. I will never bow down to the oatmeal raisin cult.

(17:14) everything nice: your words not mine

(17:14) Daddy: get out of here with your defeatist attitude this is a positive groupchat

(17:15) 2.5braincells: You discuss annihilating Earth with your boyfriend here, and you call this groupchat positive?

(17:15) Daddy: yeah basically

(17:15) 2.5braincells: .

(17:15) everything nice: oh he’s one of those

(17:15) 2.5braincells: Pardon?

(17:15) everything nice: one of those dramatic gays who uses . instead of saying go die or eat shit

(17:15) Daddy: like suna

(17:15) everything nice: yeah or kuroo

(17:15) Yahaba: Or Oikawa

(17:15) NaCl: or tendou

(17:15) 2.5braincells: Well, thanks for name dropping! Now, I’m going to start a dramatic gay groupchat and take over the world!

(17:15) Mommy: No, you won’t.

(17:15) 2.5braincells: Okay, daddy. :)

(17:15) Daddy: i will kill you

(17:16) 2.5braincells: All I said was okay!

(17:16) Daddy: you’re dead

(17:16) Mommy: We’re finally on the same page.

(17:16) Daddy: mwah

(17:16) Mommy: :)

(17:16) NaCl: so when’s the execution

(17:16) Mommy: That’s a secret.

(17:16) 2.5braincells: I want a love where we can plot to kill our friend together.

(17:16) NaCl: no, you don’t

(17:20) 2.5braincells: Okay, so after some reflection, I recognize that calling my friend’s boyfriend “daddy” is fundamentally wrong.

(17:20) Daddy: still dead

(17:20) 2.5braincells: But your boyfriend is so hot.

(17:20) NaCl: stay back, slut

(17:20) Daddy: thanks shirabu

(17:20) NaCl: you’re welcome, but that was for you, too

(17:20) Daddy: wtf did i do

(17:20) NaCl: exist

(17:20) 2.5braincells: Relatable.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(23:02) 2.5braincells: I feel like it’s also fundamentally wrong to jerk off while thinking about my friend’s hotter twin brother.

(23:02) futanari: why do you say these things

(23:02) 2.5braincells: I want your opinion.

(23:02) futanari: idk it depends on how close friends u are  
(23:02) futanari: since u and atsumu are tight af it’s wrong

(23:02) 2.5braincells: Yeah, I need a new crush. Maybe I’ll crush on myself.

(23:03) futanari: @Daddy how do u feel

(23:03) Daddy: u can jerk off to osamu, i don’t give a shit

(23:03) Yahaba: Would you give a shit if I sent Osamu a screenshot of that?

(23:03) Daddy: i’ll steal his phone and block you

(23:03) Yahaba: Usuri, I’ve solved your problem. It’s not weird because Atsumu minds. It’s weird because Osamu doesn’t like you back

(23:03) 2.5braincells: This sucks!

(23:03) futanari: ya it rly does

(23:03) 2.5braincells: Oh well. After I activate sexy beast mode, he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and repent. Until then, I’ll just jerk off to… porn.

(23:03) futanari: solid plan

(23:03) 2.5braincells: :(

(23:03) Yahaba: There, there

(23:04) futanari: yahaba, that only works if you’re patting him on the back

(23:04) Yahaba: Being nice is too hard. I’m giving up


	9. Begone, foul whore.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zodiacs are real(fake) + halfpint gets dick sort of + sakusa knows about composting + bf exploitation + Yahaba and Terushima’s friendship is official + weed is the source of wisdom

(16:02) 2.5braincells: Guys, what are your zodiac signs?

(16:02) spice daddy: oo i wanna play  
(16:02) spice daddy: me and hoshi are aries  
(16:02) spice daddy: yahabas a pisces so is yamamoto  
(16:02) spice daddy: kenji is scorpio  
(16:02) spice daddy: shirabu is taurus  
(16:02) spice daddy: atsumus libra  
(16:02) spice daddy: ennos a capricorn  
(16:02) spice daddy: akaashi is sagittarius

 

(16:02) 2.5braincells: Me too! I don’t get why we don’t get along.

(16:02) spice daddy: fire signs don’t always mix well  
(16:02) spice daddy: and idk what sakusa is bc his birthday was literally impossible for me to find >:( @#1

(16:02) #1: You’ll never know

(16:02) spice daddy: WHY >:(((((

(16:02) 2.5braincells: Yeah! Why?! >:((((

(16:03) spice daddy: usuri ur adorable

(16:03) 2.5braincells: Thanks. ;)

(16:03) spice daddy: anytime cutie pie ;)

(16:03) 2.5braincells: We’re all captains, and none of us are leo. (○口○ )

(16:03) spice daddy: fuck them leos

(16:03) 2.5braincells: My sister keeps telling me that she’s destined to be the leader of the world because she’s a leo. Now I can prove her wrong >:)

(16:03) spice daddy: ya she has to go through akaashi if she wants to rule the world anyway wasnt gonna happen

(16:03) 2.5braincells: Why do you all fear Akaashi-kun? He seems like a sweet kid.

(16:03) spice daddy: thats what makes him so dangerous  
(16:04) spice daddy: the cuter, the more destructive  
(16:04) spice daddy: like u when u play volleyball and target ppl  
(16:04) spice daddy: but keiji is nicer and more respectful than u so hes even more fear-inducing

(16:04) 2.5braincells: I’m going to pretend like I’m not afraid of him so my fear of murder goes away.

(16:04) spice daddy: fake it til u make it dude

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(17:21) halfpint: aries is the best sign just saying

(17:21) everything nice: my friend i regret to inform u  
(17:21) everything nice: ur very wrong

(17:21) halfpint: f*ck u ur wrong

(17:21) 2.5braincells: No fighting. This is our positive groupchat!  
(17:21) 2.5braincells: 

  
(17:21) 2.5braincells: Why don’t we have an Aquarius? Sakusa, I’m going to assume you’re an Aquarius and force friendship on you.

(17:21) halfpint: @Daddy we have to be bffs now

(17:21) Daddy: we’re already bffs  
(17:22) Daddy: @spice daddy is our bff too

(17:22) futanari:: @NaCl babe we’re bffs

(17:22) NaCl: i know ;p

(17:22) Yahaba: Digusting. I hereby ban all zodiac speak from our groupchat

(17:22) 2.5braincells: Is Yahaba the unofficial leader of our groupchat now?

(17:22) Yahaba: Yes, I am. Futanari:, you’re being overthrown

(17:22) 2.5braincells: Awesome!

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(18:02) Daddy: u guys r right my boyfriend’s pure evil

(18:02) Mommy: It was just a joke.

(18:03) halfpint: i dont wanna know what akaashis definition of a joke is im out

(18:03) Daddy: he gave a link for a graph maker for stats  
(18:03) Daddy: but it wasn’t a graph maker

(18:03) Mommy: Relax.

(18:03) Daddy: he rickrolled me :(

(18:03) #1: That’s mean.

(18:03) Daddy: see even sakusa agrees

(18:03) Mommy: Atsumu, I gave you the right link afterward.

(18:03) Daddy: liar

(18:03) Mommy: No, I did. You just ignored it when you were going on about how disappointed you were.

(18:04) Daddy: keiji, i trusted you

(18:04) Mommy: You still do.

(18:04) Daddy: less

(18:04) Mommy: No.

(18:04) Daddy: yes

(18:04) Mommy: :( Atsumu

(18:04) Daddy: fuck i concede  
(18:04) Daddy: :( turn that frown upside down

(18:04) Mommy: :)

(18:04) Daddy: :)

(18:04) futanari:: @NaCl couple goals

(18:04) NaCl: does that mean u want me to smile emoticon at u in the group chat

(18:04) futanari:: yeah i wanna be cute in everyone’s face

(18:04) NaCl: alright

(18:05) futanari:: :)

(18:05) NaCl: :)

(18:05) futanari:: let’s not do that again the smile emoticons look weird coming from u

(18:05) NaCl: agreed

(18:05) futanari:: we’ll be our own kinda couple goals ;)

(18:05) NaCl: ;)

(18:05) futanari:: fuck i like that

(18:05) spice daddy: out before u say smth that ur gonna regret publicly sayin

(18:05) Daddy: did u guys actually have that foursome just curious

(18:06) spice daddy: nah shirabus being a prude

(18:06) Daddy: lmfao shirabu what

(18:06) NaCl: silence or i end you

(18:06) spice daddy: careful akaashi might kill u now

(18:06) Mommy: I’ll spare him.

(18:06) Daddy: ily

(18:06) Mommy: I love you too.

(18:06) spice daddy: u guys make me feel bad abt me and kawanishis pda game

 

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(23:50) halfpint: GUYS GUYS GUSYS GAYYA GUSYS GUYS GUSTS. GUYSS GUSYS

(23:50) #1: What's wrong with you?

(23:50) halfpint: GUESSWHAT

(23:50) #1: You finally asked Sachirou out.

(23:50) halfpint: NO BETTER

(23:51) #1: What?

(23:51) halfpint: HE! KISSED!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(23:51) Daddy: WHAT

(23:51) halfpint: THAT MEANS HE LIKES ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!$!!!!!/!:!:!:!:!!!!!

(23:51) #1: I always thought you’d make the first move.

(23:51) Daddy: ^^^^^^

(23:51) halfpint: I THOUGHT U GUYS KNEW IM PUSSY  
(23:51) halfpint: IM SO EXCITED  
(23:51) halfpint: I CANT SLEEP

(23:51) Daddy: ARE U STILL WITH HIM

(23:51) halfpint: NO HE WALKED ME HOME AND KISSED ME AND RAN AWAY

(23:51) Daddy: WHAAAAAAT

(23:51) halfpint: YESSSSSSSSS  
(23:51) halfpint: IM HERE SHEDDINF TEARS

(23:52) #1: Well, congratulations, Kourai.

(23:52) halfpint: TYSVM

(23:52) futanari:: omg hoshi has a boyfriend now

(23:52) halfpint: NOT REALLY  
(23:52) halfpint: BUT YEAH  
(23:52) halfpint: I THINK

(23:52) Yahaba: If you pretend like you do for long enough, it’ll become true

(23:52) futanari:: stop that ur scaring me

(23:52) Yahaba: :)

 

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(17:26) Yahaba: Being a teenager is shit

(17:26) mr. director: seconded

(17:26) #1: Let’s blame it on Usuri.

(17:26) Yahaba: Fuck you, Usuri

(17:26) 2.5braincells: Wow! Fourthed!

(17:26) Yahaba: Is this considered bullying?

(17:26) #1: Yes.

(17:26) 2.5braincells: Yahaba, are you being bullied too? Is that why being a teenager is shit?

(17:26) Yahaba: No, it’s because society shames teenagers for existing when they act in anyway that defies the precedent and blames them for the imminent doom of the Earth and the human race.

(17:27) mr. director: yeah  
(17:27) mr. director: whenever i compost my family calls me a silly gay fool  
(17:27) mr. director: i still don’t see what that has to do with composting, but i feel ostracized

(17:27) Yahaba: Smh  
(17:27) Yahaba: Thanks for trying to save our Earth

(17:27) #1: Usuri, do you compost?

(17:27) 2.5braincells: Yes!

(17:27) Yahaba: You’re lying

(17:27) 2.5braincells: Okay, I might not know what composting is…

(17:27) #1: It’s when you put nitrogen- and carbon-based materials on bare Earth and let them biodegrade instead of donating them to a landfill, where they would biodegrade significantly slower, if at all.

(17:27) 2.5braincells: Sounds woke. I’ll begin after some research.

(17:27) #1: If you show us your compost system, you’ll be exonerated of being the reason teenagedom is shit.

(17:28) Yahaba: I support this notion

(17:28) mr. director: likewise

(17:28) 2.5braincells: ;) I won’t let you guys down!

 

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(19:02) Daddy: it’s day eight of trying to be nice  
(19:02) Daddy: just taught the six year old next door how to set instead of telling him to quit volleyball  
(19:02) Daddy: he’s still terrible at setting being nice is so frustrating

(19:02) futanari:: i’ll give u treat if u stay nice for 20 days

(19:02) Mommy: Respectfully, I inform you that I will kill you if you ever offer my boyfriend a treat again.

(19:02) NaCl: disrespectfully, i inform you that i’ll kill you if you ever offer anyone a treat again

(19:02) futanari:: i meant like a brownie  
(19:02) futanari:: you filthy perverts

(19:03) NaCl: no, you didn’t

(19:03) Daddy: did futakuchi just try to bribe me with nudes

(19:03) futanari:: A BROWNIE

(19:03) Mommy: Begone, foul whore.

(19:03) Daddy: i love having a boyfriend who calls our friend a foul whore for me

(19:03) futanari:: kenjirou can u call me a foul whore too

(19:03) NaCl: are you kidding me?

(19:03) futanari:: no babe i’m serious

(19:03) NaCl: alright, i’ll do it

 

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(17:12) Daddy: keiji found my juul and broke up with me

(17:12) Mommy: Can you please stop lying to our friends about me?

(17:12) halfpint: wtf he said please to atsumu

(17:12) Daddy: jk  
(17:12) Daddy: i found keijis weed LOL

(17:12) everything nice: ur in tokyo and u ain’t tell me? bitch

(17:13) Daddy: fuck ur right i’m sry  
(17:13) Daddy: just got here like 20mins ago

(17:13) halfpint: how do u find his weed so soon  
(17:13) halfpint: why r u looking for his weed

(17:13) Mommy: I went to the bathroom three minutes ago, and Atsumu decided that was time to go through my room.

(17:13) Daddy: can i go through ur phone too

(17:13) Mommy: What the fuck?

(17:13) Daddy: wanna see what kinda porn u watch

(17:13) everything nice: theres this concept called asking dude

(17:13) halfpint: ya but like its more fun if u look urself bc then they get all nervous

(17:13) Mommy: Hello it is I, the Akaashi Keiji.

(17:14) everything nice: whats wrong with u atsumu

(17:14) Mommy: i just wanna get to know my man better  
(17:14) Mommy: and now that i know he’s whipped too i may or may not be exploiting that fact teehee

(17:14) halfpint: is he anxious

(17:14) Mommy: nah he's chillin

(17:14) halfpint: akaashi lets get high together and talk shit abt ur bf

(17:14) Mommy: he said okay

 

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(19:34) spice daddy: yahabas got me pondering life

(19:34) Yahaba: I did nothing of that sort

(19:34) spice daddy: ya u did when u said life is shit two days ago

(19:34) Yahaba: Oops

(19:34) spice daddy: anyway i just wanted to tell yall thanks for making life a little less shit

(19:34) Yahaba: You’re welcome. I guess you make life less shitty too

(19:34) spice daddy: so weird when ur nice  
(19:35) spice daddy: i like it

(19:35) Yahaba: Is this the part where I admit that you’re my friend and sort of enjoy it

(19:35) spice daddy: omg our friendship has reached a new level

(19:35) Yahaba: I hate it

(19:35) spice daddy: this is fucking awesome

(19:35) halfpint: unrelated but strawberry pocky does not live up to the hype

(19:35) Yahaba: Thank you for ruining that beautiful moment I definitely didn’t want to have

(19:35) halfpint: no idea if that was sarcastic or not so im not gonna say yw  
(19:35) halfpint: but yw

(19:35) spice daddy: he didnt ruin the moment he graced us with his friendship which only adds to the beauty ;)

(19:35) halfpint: thank u teru

(19:35) Yahaba: Terushima, I feel like you communicate with Kawanishi solely in emojis

(19:35) spice daddy: are we sharing headcanons

(19:35) Yahaba: The fuck is a headcanon

(19:35) spice daddy: wow

(19:35) Yahaba: ?????

(19:35) spice daddy: its like an idea u have abt someone its common fandom terminology yahaba

(19:36) halfpint: yeah yahaba how can u not know common fandom terminology

(19:36) Yahaba: I know damn well you didn’t know what a headcanon was until ten seconds ago

(19:36) spice daddy: friendship is so beautiful  
(19:36) spice daddy: hoshiumi lets make headcanons about yahaba

(19:36) halfpint: he hates everyone

(19:36) spice daddy: hoshi thats not a headcanon thats just a fact

(19:36) Yahaba: You know me so well

(19:36) halfpint: yahaba puts on his bfs eyeliner sometimes and adds biodegradable glitter

(19:36) spice daddy: love that  
(19:36) spice daddy: yahaba true or false

(19:36) Yahaba: Not to do a Usuri but  
(19:36) Yahaba: .

(19:36) spice daddy: that means yes right

(19:37) Yahaba: No

(19:37) halfpint: yes

(19:37) Yahaba: I hate our friendship. Fuck off

 

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(20:12) 2.5braincells: I really want a boyfriend, but I don’t know if it’s because I want to experience teenage love ™ or if I want someone to validate me.

(20:12) halfpint: whats wrong with both

(20:12) 2.5braincells: Sorta wanna depend on myself for validation.

(20:12) halfpint: bud self esteem dont come overnight

(20:12) 2.5braincells: I think I miss Wakatsu.

(20:12) halfpint: whats up w u two anyway

(20:12) 2.5braincells: We’re friends. I just miss having him here to worship instead of having responsibility and focusing on my other teammates’ progress because since he’s left, I’ve realized that I can’t help my teammates unless I help myself first.

(20:12) halfpint: been there  
(20:12) halfpint: figure out what u hate and make the most of it and then ur gonna be strong for overcoming ur weaknesses and ur gonna be cool and ur teammates are gonna look up to u itll be awesome

(20:13) 2.5braincells: I shouldn’t be shocked that you give such good advice given you’re a captain, but I am, so thank you, Hoshiumi. :)

(20:13) halfpint: ya whatveer np

(20:13) Yahaba: It really bothers me that Hoshiumi’s wise

(20:13) halfpint: the wisdom of the ace ;)

(20:13) everything nice: fuck i have that shirt too

(20:13) halfpint: r u thinking what im thinking

(20:13) everything nice: lets wear it and twerk in ginza

(20:13) halfpint: bada boom baby

(20:13) 2.5braincells: How did Hoshiumi-sama get so wise?

(20:13) Yahaba: Don't call him sama. He has a big head already

(20:14) halfpint: shhhhh let me enjoy the only ounce of respect ill ever get in this gc  
(20:14) halfpint: wisdom is just an ace thing ya feel me

(20:14) Yahaba: (He smoked a lot of weed)

(20:14) 2.5braincells: Sounds legit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me a while bc I got absorbed in writing another akamiya fic and baseball anime lmao also I had to insert an image and that requires going on the computer and therefore much procrastination... anyway the rides almost over i'm thinking probably 3-4 more chapters after this thank u guys again for reading <33333


	10. I’m not sending you ass pics wtf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk they’re idiots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my bad I’m late again like always (really lose track of time when all I do is bum around lmfao) I’ll do a double update to make up for it after I finish the next chapter

(18:16) halfpint: what to do when horny but bf is far

(18:16) Daddy: beg for nudes

(18:16) Yahaba: Jerk off

(18:16) halfpint: lol never thought id say this but  
(18:16) halfpint: i like atsumus idea better

(18:16) Daddy: wait he’s like actually ur bf right

(18:16) halfpint: no idea

(18:16) Daddy: oh  
(18:16) Daddy: it’s awkward doing the whole nudes thing before it’s official  
(18:16) Daddy: so ur at risk of going soft if he thinks ur kidding or gets offended js

(18:17) halfpint: worth a shot

(18:17) Yahaba: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

(18:17) Daddy: maybe if u sent nudes ur love life wouldn’t be so shitty yahaba

(18:17) Yahaba: Are you saying that Akaashi sends you nudes?

(18:17) Daddy: i never said that  
(18:17) Daddy: all i’m saying is that nudes make everything better

(18:17) Mommy: I’ll fucking kill you.

(18:17) Daddy: FUCK IM SORRY

(18:17) Mommy: Not yet. I love you.

(18:17) Daddy: @Yahaba look he loves me. told u nudes make everything better

(18:17) Mommy: I’m going to choke you.

(18:17) Daddy: not in the gc baby

(18:17) Yahaba: Atsumu, you need to work on feeling the atmosphere before you speak

(18:18) Daddy: ya ur probably right

 

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(18:37) halfpint: he sent me nudes twas a success ;))

(18:38) futanari: did u read the previous chat after u left

(18:38) halfpint: i will now

(18:38) futanari: learn from atsumu that exposing your bf is not the way to go

(18:38) halfpint: oh fuck  
(18:38) halfpint: i sent nudes first if that makes it any better

(18:38) futanari: alright you’re absolved of your sins

 

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(18:52) Yahaba: I wonder if he sent Akaashi nudes to make everything better

(18:52) futanari: sounds like something he’d do

(18:52) Mommy: No, he didn’t.

 

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(15:02) futanari: alright hoes

(15:02) Yahaba: I refuse to be called a hoe by the definitive sluttiest member of this groupchat

(15:02) #1: ^

(15:02) futanari: wow  
(15:02) futanari: it was a term of endearment  
(15:02) futanari: AS I WAS SAYING  
(15:02) futanari: THE RESULTS OF OUR SUPERLATIVES ARE IN  
(15:02) futanari:  
1\. most iconic couple **Kawanishi and Terushima** :(  
2\. shittiest typer **halfpint**  
3\. thirstiest **Yamamoto**  
4\. sluttiest (let’s settle this teru) **Terushima (ha, fuck u yahaba)**  
5\. most iconic friendship **Yahaba and the finger puppet**  
6\. rudest **Atsumu**  
7\. emoest **Usuri**  
8\. wisest **halfpint**  
9\. worst taste in boys **Yahaba**  
10\. best taste **Atsumu**  
11\. most idiotic **Futakuchi**  
12\. funniest **Futakuchi**  
13\. most dramatic **Usuri**  
14\. evilest **Ennoshita**  
15\. nicest **Ennoshita**  
16\. most paternal **Sakusa**  
17\. most egotistical **Atsumu**  
18\. craziest (yeah im coming for u @Mommy we’re settling this one too) **Akaashi**  
19\. most antisocial **Sakusa**  
20\. most social **Futakuchi**  
21\. most pessimistic **Shirabu**  
22\. most optimistic **Terushima**  
23\. gayest **Usuri**  
24\. most active in the gc **Futakuchi**  
25\. most iconic emoticons **Futakuchi**  
26\. chillest **halfpint**  
27\. most creative with his insults **Yahaba**  
28\. saltiest **Yahaba**  
29\. sexiest **Akaashi**  
30\. most romantic **halfpint  
** 31\. prettiest ****Shirabu**  
** 32\. biggest cock **i can’t accept this answer so i’m not telling u**  
33\. scariest **Akaashi**  
34\. dumbest **Atsumu**  
35\. and lastly, who is the coolest motherfucker of them all? **Ennoshita**

(15:03) halfpint: why does everyone get their name but me

(15:03) futanari: halfpint is just cute

(15:03) halfpint: well if u insist (◕‿◕✿)

(15:03) futanari: damn should’ve put most gullible on there too

(15:03) halfpint: ya wtv tell us who has the biggest peen

(15:04) futanari: if i do, chaos will ensue

(15:04) Yahaba: I like chaos

(15:04) #1: ^

(15:04) futanari: alright but ur not gonna like it  
(15:04) futanari: atsumu got the most votes  
(15:04) futanari: i refuse to believe it

(15:04) Daddy: ya that's wrong

(15:04) halfpint: WHAT  
(15:04) halfpint: IS ATSUMU ADMITTING DEFEAT

(15:04) Daddy: keiji’s is like a smidge bigger

(15:04) Mommy: Can you please stop talking about my penis to other people?

(15:05) Daddy: but  
(15:05) Daddy: pretty

(15:05) Yahaba: Atsumu is officially cancelled

(15:05) Mommy: ^

(15:05) Daddy: keiji i’m sorry :( i won’t do it again i promise

(15:05) futanari: i wonder how many times atsumus said sorry to his bf in this gc

(15:05) Mommy: Too many.

(15:05) Daddy: i’ll make it up to u

(15:05) Mommy: How?

(15:05) Daddy: u can tie me up

(15:05) Mommy: I already do that. I want something new.

(15:05) Daddy: i’ll accept the offer i got in tokyo so u can tie me up whenever u want next yr

(15:05) Mommy: Why haven’t I heard about this Tokyo offer before?

(15:06) futanari: u guys know ur in the gc right

(15:06) Mommy: Oh. My bad.

(15:06) Yahaba: Still freaked out that Akaashi tops

(15:06) futanari: expected it

(15:06) Yahaba: I mean, yeah, but doesn't the thought of Akaashi topping someone scare you?

(15:06) futanari: nah it’s hot

(15:06) Yahaba: I’d be afraid

(15:06) futanari: so would i. that’s what makes it so hot dude

(15:06) NaCl: do you want me to fuck you?

(15:06) futanari: :)

(15:06) Yahaba: Get your shackles ready, Shirabu. Your boyfriend likes being tortured

(15:06) NaCl: lol

(15:06) Mommy: It’s so hard having an idiotic boyfriend.

(15:06) NaCl: ikr we should ditch them

(15:06) Mommy: Agreed.

(15:06) futanari: fourway?

(15:06) Mommy: Lol, like I’d let you touch my idiot.

(15:06) futanari: :(

 

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(15:37) spice daddy: @Daddy y r u hiding offers from ur bf

(15:37) Daddy: y do u care

(15:37) NaCl: kawanishi refused an offer without telling terushima he got it in the first place  
(15:37) NaCl: so he’s in my room all emo, and i can’t get rid of him

(15:38) spice daddy: wow @NaCl u totally just stole my rant from me

(15:38) Daddy: don’t project  
(15:38) Daddy: @Yahaba stop giving the kids ideas

(15:38) Yahaba: Lol.  
(15:38) Yahaba: No

(15:38) spice daddy: but fr miya tell me  
(15:38) spice daddy: i cant understand y taichi wouldnt tell me :/  
(15:38) spice daddy: maybe if i hear it from u too ill get it

(15:38) Daddy: i mean i wasn’t just gonna refuse it w/o talking to keiji  
(15:38) Daddy: i just wasn’t gonna tell him until i got more offers and he got his acceptances so we could like evaluate it after we know all our options  
(15:38) Daddy: where was his offer anyway

(15:38) spice daddy: :/  
(15:38) spice daddy: not miyagi

(15:38) Daddy: he probably just didn’t want u to tell him to go bc he wants to stay w u

(15:39) spice daddy: but like  
(15:39) spice daddy: thats stupid  
(15:39) spice daddy: i can just transfer to his university if he accepts an offer somewhere far from wherever i get accepted

(15:39) Daddy: i don’t think he was thinking about that lol  
(15:39) Daddy: maybe the coach put him off  
(15:39) Daddy: or he has a vendetta against the area  
(15:39) Daddy: or school  
(15:39) Daddy: or more realistically  
(15:39) Daddy: he just wanted to do whatever would be easiest for u

(15:39) spice daddy: :(  
(15:39) spice daddy: man i thought being in a relationship would be all happiness and sex and cuddles

(15:39) Daddy: LOL  
(15:39) Daddy: go talk to him about it

(15:39) spice daddy: he said he doesnf wanna

(15:40) Daddy: when

(15:40) NaCl: right before this idiot stormed into my room

(15:40) futanari: can i come after i get out of practice

(15:40) NaCl: please

(15:40) Daddy: go try to talk to him again @spice daddy you’ll regret it if you don’t

(15:40) spice daddy: :( thx

 

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(19:02) futanari: my boyfriend is so beautiful  
(19:02) futanari: and sweet  
(19:02) futanari: and cute  
(19:02) futanari: and i love him so much

(19:03) halfpint: ya thst  
(19:03) halfpint: but mine isnr sweet

(19:03) futanari: even if he’s mean u gotta lie and say he’s the sweetest

(19:03) halfpint: okfutanari just bc uve had like nine million more relationships than me doesnf mean im gonna take ur advice

(19:03) futanari: ur lying

(19:03) halfpint: ya im lying my bf is sweet now

 

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(16:02) mr. director: i had deodorant on my shirt the whole day and nobody told me

(16::02) spice daddy: i had cum on my shirt for like two hours and nobody told me smh

(16:02) mr. director: these two issues are not the same

(16:03) spice daddy: how do u expect me to alert u when u dont tell me ;(  
(16:03) spice daddy: u let me go on camera w cum on my shirt

(16:03) mr. director: okay but that was funny

(16:03) spice daddy: mean ennoshita

 

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(17:13) 2.5braincells: I’ve decided that I’m awesome. @everything nice

(17:13) everything nice: YAY  
(17:13) everything nice: did saying ur sexy to the mirror work

(17:13) 2.5braincells: No, but I had a practice match with Itachiyama, and I dumped on Sakusa, and I felt pretty fucking fantastic!!!!

(17:13) everything nice: u traveled that far for a prac match

(17:13) 2.5braincells: Yeah, we used to go to Tokyo because we both had some of the bestest spikers, and we would do a round-robin with the local college team, and we decided to come this year even though Kiryuu graduated because Sakusa’s still here.  
(17:13) 2.5braincells: And he was so mad!! And I broke Komori for a minute with trash talk, so he hates me!!!!

(17:13) everything nice: im do proud of u  
(17:13) everything nice: r u here for the weekend  
(17:14) everything nice: i wanna round robin

(17:14) 2.5braincells: Come to Itachiyama!

(17:14) #1: Usuri, I hate you even though you’ve learned to compost.  
(17:14) #1: Yamamoto, shouldn’t you ask your coach to contact mine before you tell your team to come to Itachiyama?

(17:14) everything nice: LMFAO u thought id tell nekomata  
(17:14) everything nice: no hes gonna be like thats what summer camp is for  
(17:14) everything nice: imma lead a run in 45mins ill just lead everyone to itachiyama since its on our route anyway  
(17:14) everything nice: tell ur coach we’re coming in an hour

(17:14) #1: Please don’t bring a lot of people.

(17:14) everything nice: :( but theyremy family

(17:14) 2.5braincells: I think he means keep the unimportant ones outside or away from him.

(17:15) everything nice: ill tell em to sit on the side  
(17:15) everything nice: no promises tho we got 197cm of nondirectionfollowing idiot

(17:15) 2.5braincells: 197cm?!!!??!!?

(17:15) everything nice: yes

(17:15) 2.5braincells: Who is he? I wanna play.

(17:15) everything nice: some russian idiot who cant speak russian

(17:15) #1: Lev Haiba.

(17:15) everything nice: ew dont acknowledge him when hes there hes gonna all excited and cocky  
(17:15) everything nice: break is over and nekomata is yelling at me lol see u later

(17:15) Mommy: I want to round-robin, too.

(17:15) 2.5braincells: Come!

(17:15) #1: Please, our gym is almost at maximum occupancy as is.

(17:15) 2.5braincells: There are only sixty of us!!!!

(17:15) Mommy: Today is Fukurodani’s day off. :(

(17:16) 2.5braincells: Come with Nekoma!

(17:16) Mommy: Can I just observe?

(17:16) 2.5braincells: Don’t be lame. You can come play on my team! I’ll tell one of the first years to kick the bucket!

(17:16) Mommy: You’re a setter.

(17:16) 2.5braincells: You can play middle blocker.

(17:16) Mommy: Okay, send me your location.

(17:16) #1: Usuri, stop inviting people to a school that isn’t yours.  
(17:16) #1: Won’t your coach be upset that you want Akaashi to sub for your teammate?  
(17:16) #1: And how are you going to play together when you hate each other?

(17:16) 2.5braincells: Shush with your silly logic! We’re kindling friendship, here!

 

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(19:35) Daddy: why didn’t you guys tell me you were gonna round robin  
(19:35) Daddy: usuri i disown u  
(19:35) Daddy: u too sakusa

(19:35) #1: Thank god.

(19:35) Daddy: r u done already

(19:35) #1: No, I’m watching Nekoma play Mujinazaka + Akaashi.

(19:35) Daddy: who’s winning

(19:36) #1: 17-13 Mujinazaka

(19:36) Daddy: lame

 

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(14:12) Yahaba: I’ve been doing squats, but my mom said my butt got smaller  
(14:12) Yahaba: I’m kind of questioning my entire existence right now

(14:12) NaCl: let me see

(14:12) Yahaba: I’m not sending you ass pics wtf

(14:12) NaCl: let’s go to starbucks

(14:12) Yahaba: Alright I’ll be there in 20 minutes

 

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(18:53) halfpint: unpopular opinion: having a boyfriend is lame after the first week

(18:54) Daddy: yeah that is an unpopular opinion

(18:54) 2.5braincells: Cool, so I’m not missing out on much.

(18:54) halfpint: i wanna break up but i think hesgonna be mad since we just traded nudes

(18:55) futanari: just tell him you wanna be friends with benefits

(18:55) Daddy: uh before that  
(18:55) Daddy: you were so whipped what the fuck happened

(18:55) halfpint: he already signed to a college that didnt give me an offer  
(18:55) halfpint: whats the fun in havin a bf whos slipping outta ur fingers in a minute

(18:55) futanari: where is it

(18:55) halfpint: tokyo ~_~

(18:55) Daddy: chuo?

(18:55) halfpint: ik ur too dumb to mindread  
(18:55) halfpint: so how

(18:55) Daddy: they recruited me and i noticed their blockers are seniors when i visited so i just figured

(18:55) 2.5braincells: Woah, it’s observant!

(18:55) halfpint: did u just call atsumu an it

(18:55) 2.5braincells: It was an accident, I swear.

(18:56) Daddy: fuck you

(18:56) futanari: no universities near chuo want you, halfpint?

(18:56) halfpint: idk wheres waseda

(18:56) Daddy: wow i don’t say this a lot bc i’m dumb, but you’re dumb

(18:56) halfpint: o

(18:56) futanari: oh you could totally make that work

(18:56) halfpint: nvm having a bf is cool again thx

 

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(20:03) Yahaba: Guys.  
(20:03) Yahaba: I showed Shirabu my favorite anime character, and Shirabu called him ugly. Isn’t that a betrayal of trust?

(20:03) NaCl: wouldn’t it be more a betrayal of trust if i lied to you

(20:03) mr. director: it’s 100% a betrayal of trust

(20:03) Yahaba: Thank you, Ennoshita

(20:03) #1: I think it’s better for him to express his proper opinion than to lie.

(20:03) Yahaba: Never call anyone’s favorite anime boy ugly

(20:03) NaCl: buddy, the polls established that you have the worst taste in boys. give it a rest

(20:03) mr. director: at least pretend like you don’t think he’s ugly

(20:04) NaCl: i bet you were a close second


	11. how do we feel about nishinoya yuu as ariana grande

(07:12) Yahaba: I am so fucking done with high school

(07:13) spice daddy: what but u won’t see ur teammates all the time anymore

(07:13) Yahaba: A little distance never hurt anybody  
(07:13) Yahaba: But there’s this bitchass kid on the baseball team that tried to steal my man, and then he tried to make friends with me and Kentarou, and he’s sitting with us every fucking morning  
(07:13) Yahaba: Once he said “we should hangout this weekend,” and I actually said “why” because I forgot that he thinks we’re friends

(07:13) spice daddy: tell that bitch that mad dog is urs

(07:13) Yahaba: Done

(07:13) spice daddy: have u told him to stop sitting w u yet

(07:14) Yahaba: I’m trying to avoid involvement in drama for the rest of high school

(07:14) spice daddy: oh good move  
(07:14) spice daddy: im gonna assume you already tried changing morning spots  
(07:14) spice daddy: so ig ur last option is ranting in the gc  
(07:14) spice daddy: ill be here to say that sucks and whatever for u

(07:14) Yahaba: Thanks...  
(07:14) Yahaba: friend

(07:14) spice daddy: fuck u have no idea how triumphant this feels

(07:14) Yahaba: Shut up

 

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(17:33) Daddy: i want a little brother to bully  
(17:33) Daddy: osamu is shit

(17:33) futanari: u can have koganegawa if u want

(17:33) Daddy: eh too far  
(17:33) Daddy: think i’m just gonna adopt that kid i tried teaching how to set  
(17:33) Daddy: he seems to think i like him or whatever since he’s been showing up at the door every night asking me for help w volleyball

(17:33) futanari: wow that’s actually p cute

(17:33) NaCl: yeah, especially since he probably doesn’t know that you’re a loser yet

(17:33) Daddy: kenjirou u remind me of osamu

(17:33) NaCl: please don’t bring me down to his level

(17:34) Daddy: you’re both shit

(17:34) futanari: hey  
(17:34) futanari: i like that you’re shit, kenjirou, don’t change <3

(17:34) NaCl: ew i think that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me  
(17:34) NaCl: i love you

(17:34) futanari: ily2 baby

(17:34) Daddy: @Yahaba pls tell them to stop being a couple

(17:34) Yahaba: @NaCl @futanari You’re banned from coexisting in the groupchat

(17:34) Daddy: thanks yahaba

(17:34) Yahaba: I am doing the Lord's work. You’re welcome

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(22:03) Daddy: @Mommy we have a kid now  
(22:03) Daddy: @Mommy i’ll photoshop u into the pictures  
(22:03) Daddy: @Mommy come over this weekend and see him

(22:03) Mommy: It wasn’t necessary to @ me three times, sweetheart

(22:03) Daddy: sry i just really intensely crave ur attention

(22:03) Mommy: Send me a picture of the kid.

(22:03) Daddy: :)  
(22:03) Daddy: already photoshopped u in  
(22:03) Daddy:

 

(22:04) Mommy: Cute. What's his name?

(22:04) Daddy: eijunchan

(22:04) Mommy: I’m excited to meet him.

(22:04) Daddy: i love how the way u type seems so unenthusiastic  
(22:04) Daddy: i’m gonna teach him to be a setter way better than u can

(22:04) Mommy: You may be the better setter, but you’re undoubtedly a terrible teacher

(22:04) Daddy: keiji u haven’t even seen me in action yet  
(22:04) Daddy: ur gonna be so impressed

(22:05) Mommy: We’ll let the child decide.

(22:05) Daddy: u tell me this giving me plenty of time to bribe him in advance

(22:05) Mommy: You won’t be satisfied with a win if you cheat.

(22:05) Daddy: fuck being logical

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(23:47) NaCl: kinda sad about graduating so soon

(23:47) spice daddy: we have three months chill

(23:47) Yahaba: Three long months

(23:47) NaCl: i’m going to miss these idiots

(23:47) Yahaba: Which idiots  
(23:48) Yahaba: If you’re referencing the groupchat, they’re not leaving you alone anytime soon

(23:48) spice daddy: ^^^^

(23:48) NaCl: ...bowlcut idiot

(23:48) Yahaba: LOL KNEW IT  
(23:48) Yahaba: @futanari COME GET YOUR MAN

(23:48) spice daddy: oh shit we probably arent keeping contact w the younger folk

(23:48) NaCl: don’t remind me

(23:48) Yahaba: You always say you hate him, and yet you don’t even want to think about losing touch

(23:48) NaCl: he’s like my fucking kid

(23:49) futanari: omg you’re so cute

(23:49) Yahaba: Nvm @futanari I regret summoning you. Go back to your box

(23:49) spice daddy: yahababeeeee let them cry about losing their firstborn together

(23:49) Yahaba: Nah

(23:49) spice daddy: cmon their suffering is grade a entertainment

(23:49) Yahaba: Shit  
(23:49) Yahaba: @futanari Come back out of your damn box

(23:49) futanari: omggggggg  
(23:49) futanari: @NaCl we’ve finally gained yahaba’s permission to exist as one

(23:49) Yahaba: You only have my permission to mutually suffer

(23:49) spice daddy: lol their mutual pining slowburn 20k fic is over already

(23:50) Yahaba: I honestly don’t understand half of the things you say, and I don’t think I want to at this point

(23:50) halfpint: smh yahabas still out here not knowing common fandom terminology

(23:50) futanari: once i tried to say common fandom when i was arguing w my teammates, and i accidentally said condom, and they laughed at me, and i lost the argument

(23:50) NaCl: oh i remember that  
(23:50) NaCl: you were really pissy that day

(23:50) spice daddy: when was this and why didnt u tell me u know i like to hear abt ur fuckups :(

(23:50) futanari: ahahaha ummmm  
(23:50) futanari: only like six months ago

(23:50) spice daddy: wtf

(23:50) Yahaba: Does this mean you were ranting to Shirabooboo instead of Terushima six months ago?

(23:50) futanari: channeling my inner ariana grande: and what about it?

(23:51) spice daddy: highkey offended  
(23:51) spice daddy: didnt know ur slowburn was actually 80k

(23:51) NaCl: it was just the beginning so more like 60k

(23:51) futanari: yeah  
(23:51) futanari: and it was when he was still into semi eita

(23:51) Yahaba: Bold of you to assume he isn’t still into Semi Eita

(23:51) NaCl: you fucking shitstarting whore

(23:51) Yahaba: Full disclaimer: I just wanted to see Futakuchi’s reaction, and I am aware that Kenjirou is very much in love with his current boyfriend

(23:51) futanari: i’ve been conditioned to ignore all the conspiracy u spew  
(23:51) futanari: at least u admit ur a shitstarter smh

(23:51) Yahaba: I can't help it. It’s fun

(23:51) spice daddy: ur so mean

(23:51) Yahaba: I know. The finger puppet informed me  
(23:52) Yahaba: I’m trying to be nicer, but it’s too fucking boring

(23:52) spice daddy: yeah i get that  
(23:52) spice daddy: sometimes when taichi steals shirabus phone we rearrange his apps

(23:52) NaCl: I FUCKING KNEW IT

 

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(20:03) futanari: i’m bored, and my boyfriend’s asleep  
(20:03) futanari: entertain me, fellow fiends

(20:03) Yahaba: You’re really something else

(20:03) futanari: by something else you mean unique and irreplaceable right

(20:04) mr. director: no, he means you’re stupid

(20:04) futanari: wow mean boss  
(20:04) futanari: n e wayyyyy

(20:04) spice daddy: okay fr even i would never type that

(20:04) futanari: wow it’s shit on Futakuchi-Shirabu Kenji day part two

(20:04) Yahaba: Screenshotted

(20:04) futanari: whatever okay, can we do conspiracy theories

(20:04) Yahaba: Hoshiumi’s little sister is going to become one of Akaashi Keiji’s taekwondo baby prototypes

(20:04) Mommy: Don’t tell him, but I’m trying something new.  
(20:04) Mommy: It’s called teaching young girls self-defense mechanisms to ward off perverts which, they should never have to do in the first place, but society is fucked, and the lewd can’t behave themselves. In fact, they think it’s acceptable to not behave themselves. That’s the root of the issue, but we don’t do shit about it. We just say “boys will be boys” and tell girls to toughen up. Maybe I should start brainwashing the taekwondo boys to respect women instead of spending so much time on self defense for the girls.

(20:05) futanari: wow, that was deep. akaashi’s out here building a whole utopia and finding society’s issues and fucking them in the ass. he’s 18. what have you accomplished?

(20:05) Yahaba: Volleyball captain

(20:05) Mommy: Yahaba, you’re part of the problem.  
(20:05) Mommy: My daughter Yachi has told me about you.

(20:05) Yahaba: I’ve changed!

(20:05) Mommy: Prove it, slut.

(20:05) Yahaba: I haven’t hit on a girl in ten years because I’m afraid of offending them

(20:05) Mommy: One: you’re lying. The incident was last year. Two: do not fear women. Respect them.

(20:06) Yahaba: What’s the difference? (Not trying to be a dick (for once), I really don’t know)

(20:06) Mommy: Oikawa-san, you didn’t fear. You respected him as a powerful ally and wouldn’t have done anything to slight him because of this. Yachi, you fear, not because you respect her feelings, but because you care for your reputation among your peers, which will fall down a crevice that’ll close in and shut if you are known as a pervert.

(20:06) Yahaba: Fuck  
(20:06) Yahaba: I can’t believe I’m really what’s wrong with society

(20:06) Mommy: Anyhow, reformation is possible since you’re still young. The next time you think about being a slut, put yourself in her shoes — or his shoes, and ask yourself if you’d want to be publically objectified.

(20:06) Yahaba: Thank you, wise Akaashi-sama. I feel enlightened, and I look forward to putting this anti-asshole thing into practice

(20:06) Daddy: eijunchan is gonna be so fucking woke when ur done with him

(20:06) Mommy: :)  
(20:07) Mommy: Project Brainwashing Male Youth Into Not Being Shit, Status: Begun.  
(20:07) Mommy: Notes: Started within friend circle.  
(20:07) Mommy: @spice daddy, this is for you as well.

(20:07) futanari: akaashi can u brainwash the kids shirabu and i inevitably adopt

(20:07) Mommy: Yes, of course.

(20:07) futanari: ill bring bowlcut to u if i fail to instill wisdom in him

(20:07) Mommy: Incinerate those who refuse to understand.

(20:07) Daddy: keiji no

(20:07) Mommy: Shut up, Atsumu.

(20:08) Daddy: i love you

(20:08) Mommy: :) ❤️❤️❤️

(20:08) halfpint: i want a love like that

(20:08) futanari: u already have a love like that

(20:08) halfpint: no  
(20:08) halfpint: if i do something dumb and then say ily its not :)❤️❤️❤️ its what the fuck is wrong w u kourai why r u tryna make my fish kill each other u little gremlin ass bitch

(20:09) futanari: what

(20:09) halfpint: what

 

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(23:44) futanari: the kitten has awoken

(23:44) Yahaba: Ew, do you call your boyfriend kitten?

(23:44) futanari: no, i got a kitty

(23:44) spice daddy: ur allergic to cats

(23:44) futanari: fuck u caught me  
(23:44) futanari: he’s cute, and he hisses. he’s basically a cat

(23:45) Yahaba: And you’re basically whipped for a boy who hisses at you

(23:45) futanari: urs barks at u

(23:45) Yahaba: He doesn’t bite ;(

(23:45) spice daddy: yes it do

(23:45) Yahaba: No, the one that bit you is a first-year who coincidentally also has blond hair

(23:45) futanari: wtf u got bit

(23:45) spice daddy: had a practice match today remember

(23:45) futanari: why y’all still playin volleyball  
(23:45) futanari: bitches we retired

(23:45) Yahaba: Because I have nothing better to do

(23:45) spice daddy: because other than reenacting dbz scenes its my last way to hold onto my youth

(23:45) futanari: oh  
(23:45) futanari: sometimes i drop by for ten minutes but then i come invade shiratorizawa because cute boys are better than volleyball

(23:46) Yahaba: Cute boys are chaotic evil. Volleyball is lawful good

(23:46) spice daddy: u callin me evil

(23:46) Yahaba: Lmfao nobody said you’re cute

(23:46) spice daddy: FIGHT ME HAHABA

(23:46) futanari: i think ur cute and petable

(23:46) Yahaba: Futakuchi, what's with you reducing cute boys to cute animals? Are you a furry?

(23:46) spice daddy: WHAT

(23:46) Yahaba: He just implies you have petable energy -> Golden retriever energy -> Cute boy = Dog / Cute Shirabu = Cat -> Futakuchi = Furry

(23:46) futanari: WHAT  
(23:47) futanari: YAHABA NO  
(23:47) futanari: YAHABA U BITCH

(23:47) Yahaba: Whatever, I’ll accept you as you are

(23:47) futanari: what  
(23:47) futanari: does this mean ur a furry

(23:47) spice daddy: fuck i had a feeling

(23:47) Yahaba: I am, firmly, NOT a furry, thank you very much

(23:47) spice daddy: bet u call kyoutani a good boy after he swallows ur cum

(23:47) Yahaba: I take back anything I said about us ever being friends

(23:47) futanari: bet u put that bunny filter on ur nudes

(23:48) Yahaba: Okay, by your logic Ariana Grande is a furry with her Midoriya Deku hat album cover

(23:48) spice daddy: omg she is

(23:48) futanari: no animals can’t ride bicycles  
(23:48) futanari: only unicycles

(23:48) Yahaba: The dick bicycle is Nicki’s part of the song

(23:48) spice daddy: therefore u two and ariana grande should start a furry fan club together

(23:48) futanari: IM NOT A FURRY

(23:48) Yahaba: IM NOT A FURRY  
(23:48) Yahaba: Ew I never wanna say the same thing at the same time as you again

(23:48) spice daddy: ur furries its established lets move on

(23:48) mr. director: wow that’s a great film idea  
(23:48) mr. director: how do we feel about nishinoya yuu as ariana grande

(23:49) futanari: ENNOSHITA NO

(23:49) mr. director: then who do you suggest for the role

(23:49) Yahaba: Ennoshita, no furry fan club film

(23:49) mr. director: y’all lame as fuck (;-_-)ノ

(23:49) spice daddy: omg boss did a complex emoticon

(23:49) mr. director: terushima, what do you think of the idea

(23:49) spice daddy: omfg  
(23:49) spice daddy: this is the first time ennoshita has ever asked me to think  
(23:49) spice daddy: r u feeling okay

(23:49) mr. director: nvm

(23:49) Yahaba: So, no furry movie, right?

(23:50) mr. director: you’ll just have to wait and see

(23:50) spice daddy: im rly imagining u doing that evil laugh u do when u make me do a super dangerous stunt instead of getting a stunt double

(23:50) Yahaba: Sounds villainous  
(23:50) Yahaba: Where’d futanari go

(23:50) spice daddy: probably got horny and figured hed disappear without explanation again

(23:50) NaCl: yeah, he’s busy

(23:50) Yahaba: Put your phone down. That’s just disrespectful

(23:50) NaCl: but he nodded yes when i asked him if he wanted me to answer you guys  
(23:50) NaCl: anyway, later. i have a beautiful boy’s mouth on my cock

(23:50) spice daddy: smh flexing hypebeast ass

(23:51) Yahaba: ^^^^^^^^^


	12. but like i’m ur priority whore right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this just has so much futashira

(10:02) halfpint: hey sluts  
(10:02) halfpint: class is boring

(10:02) Mommy: Seconded.

(10:02) halfpint: wanna play a game

(10:02) Mommy: Sure.

(10:02) halfpint: so ill say an american pop star and u say who in the gc u think the pop star represents and if u guess the same as what im thinking u get a point and we go in turns

(10:02) Mommy: Isn’t it unfair if we go in turns, and we’re tied the eleventh round?

(10:03) halfpint: never said anything abt no repeats ;)

(10:03) Mommy: Fine. You’re on.

(10:03) halfpint: what u dont want the first round advantage

(10:03) Mommy: No.

(10:03) halfpint: justin bieber

(10:03) Mommy: Yahaba.

(10:03) halfpint: meh 1-0

(10:03) Mommy: Britney Spears.

(10:03) halfpint: lol atsumu

(10:03) Mommy: I was thinking Shirabu, but I suppose your answer is apt, too.

(10:04) halfpint: :c Demi Lovato

(10:04) Mommy: You.

(10:04) halfpint: no, you ahahahhah

(10:04) Mommy: Whatever, Demi is a bad bitch.

(10:04) halfpint: hhhhhhhh

(10:04) Mommy: Lady Gaga.

(10:04) halfpint: teru

(10:04) Mommy: 1-1.

(10:04) halfpint: miley cyrus

(10:04) Mommy: Futakuchi.

(10:04) halfpint: pfft 2-1

(10:04) Mommy: Hannah Montana

(10:05) halfpint: wtf  
(10:05) halfpint: terushima

(10:05)) Mommy: Yeah. 2-2

(10:05) halfpint: selena gomez

(10:05) Mommy: Sakusa.

(10:05) halfpint: no ennoshita

(10:05) Mommy: Madonna.

(10:05) halfpint: sakusa

(10:05) Mommy: 2-3

(10:05) halfpint: nsync

(10:05) Mommy: Come on, we didn’t agree to groups.

(10:05) halfpint: nnnnnnsssssyyyynnnnnccccc

(10:05) Mommy: Usuri.

(10:05) halfpint: fuck  
(10:05) halfpint: 3-3

(10:06) Mommy: Taylor Swift.

(10:06) halfpint: fuck whos the snakiest  
(10:06) halfpint: or are we going off looks  
(10:06) halfpint: atsumu for both

(10:06) Mommy: Usuri again.

(10:06) halfpint: booooo  
(10:06) halfpint: kesha

(10:06) Mommy: That's definitely Yamamoto.

(10:06) halfpint: fuck ur right  
(10:06) halfpint: u know whos definitelt atsumu

(10:06) Mommy: Hmm?

(10:06) halfpint: mariah carey

(10:06) Mommy: Oh my god.  
(10:06) Mommy: I really hate that you’re right.

(10:06) halfpint: evil laughing commences

 

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(12:30) Daddy: keiji stop texting in class

(12:30) Mommy: I’ll just sit here boredly and doodle your name in my notebook beside my plans to take over the universe then. :(

(12:31) Daddy: UGH YOURESO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!

(12:31) halfpint: wtf did u break him

(12:31) mr. director: (not like anyone will miss him, though)

(12:31) Daddy: YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN I JUST COULDNT CONTAIN MYSELF ONE FUCKING TIME AND U TELL ME TO DIE

(12:31) mr. director: (okay, maybe we’d miss you a little)

(12:31) Daddy: WHY THE PARENTHESES

(12:31) mr. director: (my bad)

(12:31) Mommy: I love him so much.

(12:32) halfpint: AKAASHI NO

(12:32) Daddy: KEIJI YES  
(12:32) Daddy: WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS

(12:32) halfpint: stop it w ur shitty metaphors

(12:32) Daddy: maybe later  
(12:32) Daddy: rn is shitty metaphor + akaashi keiji lovin hours

(12:32) halfpint: u talk abt him like ur on stan twitter smh

(12:32) Daddy: lol i have an akaashi keiji fan account

(12:32) halfpint: wut

(12:32) Daddy: it’s my normal twitter  
(12:33) Daddy: but i just post pictures of my boyfriend and spam tweet about how much i love him  
(12:33) Daddy: so it’s my akaashi keiji fan account

(12:33) halfpint: ugh  
(12:33) halfpint: im never gonna get a love like that

(12:33) Mommy: It’s okay. It’s not for everyone. Atsumu is special.

(12:33) Daddy: u love my specialness tho

(12:33) Mommy: Yeah, I really do.

(12:33) halfpint: yall so cute  
(12:33) halfpint: i hate it  
(12:33) halfpint: im gonna go write sachirou a love song and win the best couple competition  
(12:33) halfpint: @futanari add best couple to the superlative list

(12:34) futanari: but we did them all already

(12:34) halfpint: shuddup

(12:34) Daddy: i refuse to be outdone

(12:34) halfpint: what u gonna do abt it dickhead ;p

(12:34) Daddy: LOL  
(12:34) Daddy: idk yet but it’s gonna outdo u

(12:34) halfpint: we shall see abt that!!!!!

(12:34) Daddy: ;P ;P ;P ;P

(12:34) halfpint: ;P ;P ;P ;P ;P ;P ;P ;P

(12:35) Daddy: i give up im gonna go tweet abt how cute keiji is see u later

(12:35) halfpint: cool imma go write that love song later dude

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(15:02) 2.5braincells: @everything nice I skipped school for a college tour, and I met your old captain!

(15:02) everything nice: lol ew what’d he say

(15:02) 2.5braincells: He told me that I have aggressively gay nerd vibes and introduced me to Oikawa Tooru, who hails from Miyagi @Yahaba @NaCl @spice daddy @mr. director @futanari , do you guys know him? Also he said to tell you, Yamamoto, not to fuck up, or he’ll go on [a video game I forgot the name of] and catfish you! Oikawa-paisen told me if I go to todai, I won’t get to start for three years!

(15:02) everything nice: smh he’s still evil a year later

(15:02) 2.5braincells: Which one? LOL

(15:02) everything nice: kuroosan ńwń he goes around catfishing ppl on video games for fun that sadist

(15:03) 2.5braincells: You don’t do that?

(15:03) everything nice: wtf no

(15:03) 2.5braincells: I thought everyone catfished on video games. I’ve been doing it since I was a tot!

(15:03) everything nice: i think u and kuroosan would be great friends and that terrifies me  
(15:03) everything nice: but im a sexy beast so i’ll battle off ur catfishing power

(15:03) 2.5braincells: By university, I will have fully evolved into sexy beast and be able to fight fire with fire!

(15:03) everything nice: omg ur right  
(15:03) everything nice: i need to catfish kuroosan back

(15:03) 2.5braincells: How did you come to that conclusion?! I was suggesting _we_ catfish battle it out as sexy beasts!!!

(15:03) everything nice: gotta take revenge on kuroosan first

(15:03) 2.5braincells: I’ll help. What’s the plan, stan?

(15:04) everything nice: we both pretend to be thirsty old men and when he comes out as *surprise* a dude we r like i know baby whatchu think i was after ;))) and then he’s like ew and blocks us  
(15:04) everything nice: and then we can have our own catfish battle

(15:04) 2.5braincells: Alright cool, let’s FaceTime and design the characters later.

(15:04) everything nice: for sure

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(17:03) Yahaba: @Daddy I found your Twitter

(17:03) Daddy: don’t expose me

(17:03) Yahaba: It’s not normal to tweet about wanting to eat your boyfriend’s dust

(17:03) Daddy: what did i ever do to u

(17:03) Yahaba: Idk, exist

(17:03) Daddy: @Mommy help i’m being bullied for loving you

(17:03) Mommy: I think you’re being bullied for existing, but fuck you, Yahaba. This is a bully free zone.

(17:04) Yahaba: That’s what the signs in school say. The signs lie

(17:04) Mommy: Yes, children are mean, and school administration is useless. People are unfixably shit, and it annoys me; let’s stop talking about it.

(17:04) Daddy: u can fix me

(17:04) Mommy: I like you as you are.

(17:04) Daddy: this is why i wanna eat ur dust

(17:04) Yahaba: Y’all Nasty

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(22:02) spice daddy: alright sluts it’s time to confess my sins  
(22:02) spice daddy: i backed into a pole in the walmart parking lot and sped away

(22:02) futanari: u shouldn’t be allowed to drive

(22:02) spice daddy: ikr

(22:02) futanari: me neither i almost ran over an iguana but i swerved and hit a frog instead  
(22:02) futanari: i hereby declare us unfit for driving

(22:02) spice daddy: @NaCl u have to drive us around now  
(22:02) spice daddy: (ik the bottom bingos on the internet suggest u cant drive but i believe in u)

(22:03) NaCl: both of you go to sleep

(22:03) spice daddy: refused

(22:03) futanari: nooo babe wait  
(22:03) futanari: how about instead of us bothering u to drive us around  
(22:03) futanari: WE GET SCOOTERS

(22:03) spice daddy: fuck yeah  
(22:03) spice daddy:

 

(22:03) NaCl: wtf i honestly don’t know why we’re friends

(22:03) spice daddy: because im ur bfs bff so u have to acknowledge that i exist  
(22:03) spice daddy: im also ur bffs bf isnt that crazy

(22:04) futanari: woah  
(22:04) futanari: mind fucking blown

(22:04) NaCl: ignoring terushima, kenji i’d rather just drive you around than see you on a scooter every day

(22:04) futanari: wdym u don’t wanna see me on a scooter every day

(22:04) NaCl: maybe once, so i can take a cute picture, and you are terushima can take one of those stupid bffs on scooters things for your instagrams, but, please preserve some dignity by not riding one everyday

(22:04) spice daddy: what ur gonna let me scoot around but not ur bf

(22:04) NaCl: ask taichi to drive you around as compensation for hiding his chuo offer from you

(22:04) spice daddy: WHAT CHUO OFFER

(22:04) NaCl: oh, you didn’t find out about that yet  
(22:04) NaCl: lmao i’m a terrible best friend

(22:04) futanari: if it makes u feel better i think ur the bestest at everything

(22:05) NaCl: i love you so fucking much

(22:05) futanari: oh fuck oh fuck  
(22:05) futanari: my heart is gonna explode how dare u drop this on me in the gc

(22:05) spice daddy: yeah @Yahaba is gonna have an aneurysm

(22:05) futanari: I LOVE SHIRABU KENJIROU MORE RHAN SO FUCKING MUCH

(22:05) Yahaba: What does rhan mean, stupid?

(22:05) NaCl: what do u think it means

(22:05) Yahaba: That Futakuchi is making up words in a secret code that he’ll use to take down lover-haters such as myself

(22:05) NaCl: you’re exactly correct

(22:06) futanari: ;( kenjirou u weren’t supposed to tell anyone

(22:06) NaCl: i’m sorry babe :( he’ll never crack your code if it’s any consolation

(22:06) Yahaba: Fuck, I’m out. This is way too cute. Bye

(22:06) spice daddy: tbh  
(22:06) spice daddy: same

(22:06) futanari: what lol there’s no such thing as too cute  
(22:06) futanari: i bet we can go harder

(22:06) NaCl: lol when?

(22:06) futanari: ;)

(22:06) NaCl: ;)

(22:06) mr. director: well, that’s enough from you two for the night

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(00:45) Daddy: i Cannot sleep  
(00:45) Daddy: I played volleyball w that lil kid today but tbh every other hour of the day akaashi keiji’s existence has Haunted me

(00:45) #1: Go to sleep.

(00:45) Daddy: sakusa did u not read my first message  
(00:46) Daddy: what do u do when komoris existence haunts u

(00:46) #1: I don’t even know what that means.

(00:46) Daddy: like when u wanna think of smth else like that math test u should be finishing but u keep thinking about cute boy who likes u back

(00:46) #1: Oh. Task focus, Hoshiumi taught me at the training camp last year.

(00:46) Daddy: whut

(00:46) #1: Focus on what’s in front of you. Tell yourself that Akaashi Keiji is presently irrelevant to completing your math test.

(00:46) Daddy: that sounds smart  
(00:46) Daddy: therefore i am inclined to disregard your advice thanks anyway sakusaku

(00:46) #1: Please never call me that again.

(00:46) Daddy: no promises  
(00:47) Daddy: so can we address that u actually think abt komori when u need to focus on other stuff bc that is Crazy i thought u were a robot

(00:47) #1: No.

(00:47) Daddy: what if i promise to never call u sakusaku again in my lifetime

(00:47) #1: I think about Motoya.

(00:47) Daddy: whatcha think abt? him in a flower crown and cute shit like that

(00:47) #1: Sometimes.

(00:47) Daddy: that’s so cute i can’t believe u have feelings of endearment

(00:47) #1: Likewise. I still find it strange when you use polysyllabic words.

(00:47) Daddy: idk why but that isn’t as offensive coming from u

(00:47) #1: It wasn’t intended to be offensive.

(00:48) Daddy: ya anyway u should tell komori that u wanna see him in a flower crown

(00:48) #1: He’ll read it himself when he’s inevitably bored and scrolls through our groupchat.

(00:48) Daddy: wtf he does that

(00:48) #1: He says you guys are funny sometimes, but mostly stupid.

(00:48) Daddy: wait 1) is that why u barely ever interact and 2) he said the s word?????

(00:48) #1: No, I just typically have better things to do, and yes.

(00:48) Daddy: ☹️✋

(00:48) #1: Goodnight, Atsumu

(00:48) Daddy: a sad gn ☹️✋

(00:48) #1: Atsumu, that’s not the way the hand goes.

(00:48) Daddy: ✋☹️

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(18:12) NaCl: so, let’s say you’re good friends with your best friend’s boyfriend and your best friend decides to cheat

(18:12) Yahaba: Why

(18:12) NaCl: idk he just did (hypothetically)  
(18:12) NaCl: does that give you the right to tell his boyfriend, or do you cover for him even if the boyfriend asks?

(18:12) Yahaba: No, why the hypothetical

(18:12) NaCl: oh  
(18:12) NaCl: first, what would you do if i were cheating on kenji

(18:12) Yahaba: Idk it depends on the reason you cheated and if I like the guy you’re cheating with

(18:12) NaCl: okay that tells me nothing, but taichi was on my phone, and he was like osamu’s blowing you up rn, shall i alert futakuchi?

(18:13) Yahaba: Was he serious?

(18:13) NaCl: no but then we got into a debate and he said if i were actually cheating he’d tell kenji, and he’d expect me to do the same if he ever cheated on terushima, and i wouldn’t, and i need you to validate me

(18:13) Yahaba: Eh  
(18:13) Yahaba: I wouldn’t

(18:13) futanari: hey so  
(18:13) futanari: i have questions

(18:13) NaCl: fuck

(18:13) Yahaba: Fuck on Kenjirou’s behalf

(18:13) NaCl: yes, dear?

(18:13) Yahaba: LMAO WHAT

(18:13) futanari: why is osamu blowing up ur phone

(18:13) NaCl: he was looking at a fat cat page on twitter and kept sending me its posts as a pre-apology for lying to usuri about me

(18:14) futanari: im gonna send u more fat cats than he can >:(

(18:14) NaCl: do you want me to block him

(18:14) futanari: no  
(18:14) futanari: remind him ur mine

(18:14) NaCl: done

(18:14) futanari: can we also remind semi eita that ur mine

(18:14) NaCl: we can do whatever you want, babe

(18:14) futanari: kk i wanna interrogate yahaba now  
(18:14) futanari: @Yahaba WHY WOULDNT U TELL ME

(18:14) Yahaba: has left The Spice Girls

(18:14) futanari: wow i went to add u back for a second u meanie  
(18:14) futanari: ANSWER ME

(18:14) Yahaba: Damn, and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten kids

(18:15) futanari: YAHABA SHIGERU

(18:15) Yahaba: I like Shirabu  
(18:15) Yahaba: And I like Osamu  
(18:15) Yahaba: And if they decide to have sex, making Shirabu cheat on you, well, that wouldn’t be my news to tell

(18:15) futanari: but like when do u draw the line bw ur news to tell and theirs

(18:15) Yahaba: Idk I’d talk to Kenjirou first obviously  
(18:15) Yahaba: And if I feel like you’ve been the model boyfriend, and he decided to uselessly cheat on you with a downgrade, then I’d probably say something because you wouldn’t deserve that

(18:15) futanari: what the fuck :?( does that mean osamus an upgrade

(18:16) Yahaba: I mean, I talk to Osamu everyday, so I’m kind of biased.

(18:16) futanari: HOW

(18:16) Yahaba: He’s had a crush on Kenjirou forever, so I don’t see him breaking Kenjirou’s heart. You, however, are a h. e. a. r. t -breaker

(18:16) futanari: what :(((((((

(18:16) Yahaba: And you openly flirt with other guys. That’s better than not openly doing it, but personally, I’d kill Kentarou if he ever did that, but Kenjirou chose you, so my opinion doesn’t matter. Not that I don’t like you (I think you’re a great friend)

(18:16) futanari: ;( kenjirou tell yahaba to stop

(18:16) NaCl: yahaba stop

(18:16) futanari: @spice daddy what would u do if i cheated on kenjirou

(18:17) spice daddy: u summoned me  
(18:17) spice daddy: o  
(18:17) spice daddy: y ikes

(18:17) Yahaba: Your turn :)

(18:18) spice daddy: how bout this  
(18:18) spice daddy: @futanari what would u do if I cheated on taichi

(18:18) futanari: pretend i never learned of the situation ofc

(18:18) Yahaba: WHAT

(18:18) futanari: ;( i’d still want u to tell me yahaba bc it’d especially hurt if he hypothetically decided to romance osamu of all ppl

(18:18) Yahaba: Plot twist: Terushima cheated on Kawanishi with Osamu

(18:18) futanari: NO

(18:18) NaCl: didn’t you have sex with osamu once?

(18:18) futanari: it wasn’t tHat good so we’re gonna pretend like it never happened

(18:18) spice daddy: dude u cant not deny that it was good right in front of ur bf when ur talking abt hypothetical cheating

(18:19) futanari: what does it even matter @Daddy had sex w kenjirou before we got together and i’m not mad  
(18:19) futanari: @Mommy how do u feel abt ur bf fucking one of ur best friends who he kinda liked before u got together

(18:19) Daddy: okay i only skimmed the chat but 1) THIS IS A DISASTER 2) fuck u leave my sexual deviance out of this disaster

(18:19) Mommy: I’ve been watching the disaster unfold lol, but I don’t care because Kenjirou doesn’t like Atsumu.

(18:19) futanari: BUT OSAMU LIKES KENJIROU

(18:19) Mommy: You need to relax and remember that this is purely hypothetical, and Kenjirou would never cheat on you, especially not with someone he’s been rejecting for years. And even if it were true, Yahaba’s right that it’s not his news to share.

(18:19) futanari: ugh reasoning

(18:19) Mommy: It’s okay to be jealous even if it’s all in your head. It’s normal.

(18:20) futanari: r u ever jealous

(18:20) Mommy: I haven’t been yet since Atsumu has, like, 12 friends, and 10 of them are in this groupchat, and one of them is eight.  
(18:20) Mommy: But if I were in your position, I’d definitely seek Osamu’s death.

(18:20) Daddy: what i have more than 1 friend

(18:20) Mommy: I’m sure you do.

(18:20) futanari: so like ik kenjirou wouldn’t cheat on me but… still jealous why

(18:20) Mommy: Because Osamu wants to fuck your boyfriend.

(18:20) futanari: :(((((

(18:20) NaCl: i have no problem blocking him. I barely even talk to him

(18:21) futanari: no i feel like that’s toxic  
(18:21) futanari: u can keep looking at cat pics from ur whore  
(18:21) futanari: but like i’m ur priority whore right

(18:21) NaCl: you’ve been my priority whore since before you even became my boyfriend

(18:21) Yahaba: I feel like I shouldn’t say this since Futakuchi’s mad at me for liking Osamu more than him, but EW

(18:21) futanari: ;p ;p ;p IM HIS PRIORITY WHORE

(18:21) Yahaba: Well, that’s enough discourse for the night. Go back to being happily and disgustingly in love and ignoring everyone else’s existence

(18:21) halfpint: that’d be the mood if my boyfriend weren’t so meAn

(18:21) Daddy: what’d he do

(18:22) halfpint: he wont give me his damn happy meal toy

(18:22) Yahaba: Honestly, wasn’t expecting that after nine minutes of real world drama

(18:22) halfpint: THIS IS REAL WORLD DERAMA


	13. just some cute drabble shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1) kenji and mai discuss futashira  
> 2) futashira confession  
> 3) hoshisakuaka friendship  
> 4) terushima is late to set  
> 5) usuri goes to tell his Prince Charming that futashira exists and slight osausu fluff  
> 6) hoshiumi confesses ro sachirou  
> 7) i fucking love akamiya forever  
> 8) ^  
> 9) kenjirou has a bad dream but it’s only bad because it’s good ahahahahaha  
> 10) HIRUHOSHI AT THE DANCE (no this hasn’t taken place yet but my heart needed to share it)  
> 11) just look

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so if it coincides with a chapter the chapter number is above the Drabble  
> and y'all already know I can't be assed to proofreadso sorry in advance as always

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 3

 

“Kenji,” Nametsu, pressed her index fingertips together, “you’re a little bit dumb.”

Yeah, that’s no secret, but why is she bringing it up now?

Kenji pulls his shirt over his head and sighs, plopping down beside Nametsu on the clubroom floor.

“Whatever, give me my phone back,” Kenji snatches it out of her hands and shoves it in his pocket.

Nametsu gives Kenji a blank stare. “You have no idea why you’re dumb, do you?”

Kenji reaches into his bag for sour gummy worms and an answer, which presents itself in a crinkled calculus quiz. “‘Cause I get C’s in math?”

“No, we’ve already established that you’re not booksmart. I’m saying you’re dense. Like, dense as a rock,” Nametsu looks at him seriously. “Show me the group chat again.”

“Why? You had, like, eight minutes to read it when we walked here and I changed and whatever.”

“Yeah, but when you were changing, I got distracted because I realized ‘wow, my childhood best friend is actually kind of hot,’ and I had to reread what I already read, and I got a vibe before I finished reading, and then you took the phone from me.”

“Mai, do you mean to tell me you thought I was ugly this entire time? Because I’m offended, and I’ve been attracted to you my entire life — moreso when we were young and you were less of an asshole, but still.”

“Asshole, honest best friend: same difference,” Mai grins at Kenji and grabs some of his gummy worms. “I think the guy Shirabu was talking about was you, you know — actually, you don’t know; that’s why I called you dumb.”

Kenji thinks Mai is a rather reasonable person most of the time. But only most of the time because right now, what she’s suggesting is preposterous. “Mai, are you trying to ruin my friendship with my dearest Kenjirou, or are you trying to get me to carry out one of your weird yaoi fantasies?”

With a sigh, Mai flicks Kenji’s forehead. “Neither. I’m just telling you what I think he meant with that whole fuckbuddy-romance hypothetical.”

“You’re wrong.”

“It’s just because I’m a woman.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m all for matriarchy!”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 4

 

It’s five-thirty in the afternoon, but Futakuchi opens the door in his pajamas.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Futakuchi frowns at the boy who was behind the door. Fuck him and his pretty face that’s in love with someone else. “Go give your whore his sour gummies.”

“Okay,” Shirabu smirks. “Here are your sour gummies, whore.”

Futakuchi gulps. His eyes widen. His mouth drops as Shirabu nods. “No fucking way.”

“Yes way,” Shirabu confirms, still holding out the gummies for Futakuchi.

“You’re lying.”

Shirabu shakes his head otherwise. “I hope you’re an asshole,” he says.

“I’m such an asshole,” Futakuchi confirms.

Shirabu laughs while looking away from Futakuchi and to the surrounding barren trees. “You gonna let me inside? I’m cold.”

“Yeah,” Futakuchi blushes, “sorry.”

“For what?” Shirabu steps inside and closes the door.

Accepting the gummies and tossing an arm around Shirabu, Futakuchi answers, “You know… for not asking you to come inside, and for telling you not to pursue the guy because I was jealous, and for having a fat crush on you despite being in a relationship, and for not kissing you immediately when you showed up, and honestly, just for being a fucking idiot in general.”

“It’s cool,” Shirabu smiles, leaning into Futakuchi’s touch. “That’s kind of what I like about you, anyway.”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 4

Along to the melody of the elevator music, Kourai taps his fingers on the counter at the entrance. “We’re here to see Hoshiumi Yuu,” Kourai says to the secretary, turning toward Keiji and Kiyoomi afterward with a conspicuous wink.

“Why are we here again?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Because when I got home, it was still visiting hours,” Kourai shrugs as the secretary hands him three visitor stickers, which he distributes to his friend before leading the way to his grandfather’s room.

“I don’t follow, but okay,” Kiyoomi says.

“What are you talking about? You’re following me right now?”

“Context, buddy,” Keiji pats his smaller friend’s shoulder.

Kourai waves to a few of the grandmas playing chess in the common room, and for the sake of looking like they belong, Keiji and Kiyoomi wave as well.

It’s not long before they stand before a door, numbered 108, and Kourai knocks, rather loudly.

A small but robust old man opens up, “Heya.”

“Sup, dude,” Kourai smiles.

The elderly man raises his eyebrows at Keiji and Kiyoomi. “The fuck are they?”

“The friends that I asked you to put on the visitor list, remember?” Kourai, with disturbingly endearing wide eyes, sways on his heel as if motion will aid his grandfather’s memory.

“Oh, those,” Grandpa nods. “Want weed?”

“Heck yeah.”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 4

 

Tanaka, dressed in all black, disapprovingly looks at Terushima. “You’re late again.” Tanaka pulls a pencil out of his pocket and opens his mouth, placing the pencil in and beginning his intimidation munching.

“Look, dude, I brought your man birthday cake pops, his favorite, right?” Terushima raises his hands — one holding a cake pop, the other holding a mocha latte — up in defense.

Tanaka spits the pencil out and perks up. “Yeah, he loves that shit. Go away.” He shoos Terushima toward Ennoshita.

Tanaka won’t tell Terushima he has a jizz stain on his shirt.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 5

 

Michiru sighs because… the things he does for pretty boys. He carries a grocery bag filled with vanilla pudding to the Miya household, and Atsumu answers.

“You didn’t tell me you were here.”

Michiru invited himself inside and makes his way to the twins’ bedroom. “No, but I told that one,” Michiru nods his head to Osamu, sitting on the floor, looking at his phone, then Michiru.

“Yo.”

“So, I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but your boyfriend has a boyfriend, and I’m really sad that you lied to me about that — but I guess I can understand, but not really because I’m a fucking cup of tea — but anyway, I’ve come to support you, and I’ve brought you pudding to eat while you cry.”

Osamu stares down at his screen, which lights up with another notification that Kenjirou shared a picture of a watermelon husky with him. “What?” He clicks the phone off. “Michiru, I swear to fucking god if you’re lyi—”

“Don’t take your denial out on me,” Michiru pouts, sitting next to Osamu and handing him a cup of pudding with a bamboo spoon.

“Atsumu, is he—” Osamu stops talking because Atsumu exits the room before Osamu can finish.

“You wanna see the messages?” Michiru looks at Osamu with his ridiculously cute wide eyes and his unusually messy hair (the long train ride fucked it up, and he hasn’t looked in a mirror in seven hours).

Osamu accepts the pudding, a pout on his face. He eats about half (in a record three seconds) before setting it down and typing something into his phone.

 

**Chat: Miya Osamu and NaCl**

(14:17) Miya Osamu: What the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me?

 

“Not that I’m judging you, but texting him isn’t gonna make it any better.”

Osamu unamusedly looks at Michiru, but he decides Michiru is probably right and tosses the phone away. “Whatever.”

“He doesn’t really owe you an explanation, anyway, if we’re being completely honest.” Michiru says quietly, but he wraps a comforting arm around Osamu’s waist and lets Osamu lean on him.

“It’s still shitty.”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 6

 

“So,” Kourai begins, overwhelmed by this disgusting and foreign feeling he believes is called nervousness.

“So?” Sachirou repeats, parking the car. “If you’re upset, about me driving underage, Gao got pulled over doing it, and all he got was a slap on the wrist, so we’re cool.”

“Um, I just wanted to say that I really like you.”

Sachirou laughs, and he goes on until he look at Kourai, and he’s not laughing. “You’re serious?”

“Yeah,” Kourai nods.

“Dude, we’ve established that already. Let’s go pick complementary ties.”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 9

 

“You don’t seem to understand the concept of privacy,” Keiji sighs, surrendering his phone to Atsumu, who’s sitting on Keiji’s bed like it’s his throne.

“Nope,” Atsumu grins, accepting the gift in his palm.

“Here I was thinking that you came all this way to spend time with me, but really you’ve come to investigate my existence at the cost of my pride,” Keiji says dramatically, sitting beside Atsumu on the bed.

“Totally.”

Keiji rests his head on Atsumu’s lap and curls his arms around Atsumu’s waist. He looks up to see a smile and light brown eyes glancing back and forth between him and the phone being held above him. “Atsumu, you’re so pretty.” Keiji reaches up to tuck hair behind Atsumu’s ear. “I like it when you smile like that.”

The phone slips out of Atsumu’a hands, but he catches it before it hits Keiji’s face. “Fuck, sorry.”

“What’s with the butterfingers?”

“Uh,” Atsumu bites his lip, “got distracted. Not used to you being so nice to me.”

Nuzzling his head into Atsumu and closing his eyes, Keiji answers, “Don’t get used to it, darling.”

“Going to sleep?”

“Mhmm.”

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 11

 

Keiji sits on the swing beside the one Eijun-chan, as Atsumu calls him, sits on. “You really like Atsumu, don’t you?” Keiji asks while Atsumu pushes the child.

“No, I hate him!”

Keiji laughs, and if they weren’t moving, he’d probably ruffle the kid’s hair.

“But he’s cool ‘cause he’s awesome at volleyball, and I wanna be like him.”

“I guess he’s cool sometimes,” Keiji admits, smirking to himself when he hears Atsumu huff.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Chapter 12

 

“I love you,” Kenjirou whispers, his hands gripping the other’s hair like his life depends on it.

“You mean it?” Brown eyes stare back into his, hopeful.

Kenjirou’s thought about saying this for so long. He thinks about him way more than he should, and his hands would be shaking if he weren’t holding him so tightly. “I wouldn’t say it otherwise.”

“I love you, too,” Osamu says, and just as he leans in, just as their parted lips are about to touch, Kenjirou wakes up in a cold sweat.

He looks at the clock. 5:17 a.m. He still has time before he has to go to morning practice, so he sits up and takes a few deep breaths.

 

[5:19 a.m.  
To: Yahabitch Shiteru]  
i had a bad dream and i’m freaking the fuck out

[5:19 a.m.  
From: Yahabitch Shiteru]  
It’s five in the fucking morning  
Tell me about it

[5:18 a.m.  
To: Yahabitch Shiteru]  
can you keep it a secret

[5:19 a.m.  
From: Yahabitch Shiteru]  
It’s just a dream, but whatever  
You’re my ride or die, bitch

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

Kourai is a wonderful dancer. He took ballroom and etiquette lessons at age seven (kidding, his mom told him he needs to learn to dance, so he can romance someone in the future, and she got annoyed if he didn’t hold his utensils properly, so he learned how to be “proper”).

Sachirou is a terrible dancer. He steps on Kourai’s feet every other minute, and his limbs move awkward and flail in directions that they shouldn’t be able to flail in (because he’s hitting other students at the dance).

“Kourai one, Sachirou zero,” Kourai smiles up at his boyfriend when he accidentally elbows someone else and apologizes profusely.

“Shut up, this is the only thing you’re better at.”

“I’m better at jumping, and singing, and cooking,” Kourai steps on his tippy-toes to whisper in Sachirou’s ear, “and eating ass.”

“Yeah?” Sachirou arches a brow, his hand sliding just a little lower on Kourai’s back. “Prove it.”

Kourai laughs and leans into a kiss.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend @kinkykenjirou wrote Osamu/usuri pls check it out[ right here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19987087)


	14. Noooo, don’t roast Futakuchi. You’re so sexy aha.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um lots of sex talk oops this chapter is dedicated to sanada shunpei and bokuto koutarou because 😜🍑

(15:02) halfpint: why didnt anyone tell me how fucking awesome not wearing pants is

(15:02) mr. director: aren’t there children under your constant watch at home

(15:03) halfpint: im giving them a valuable lesson on comfort rn  
(15:03) halfpint: besides babies walk around without pants and shirts and even shoes all the time  
(15:03) halfpint: im relating to lil sis now

(15:03) mr. director: i feel like the one year old takes care of you

(15:03) halfpint: hey >:(  
(15:03) halfpint: my time as lil bro ended 5 years ago  
(15:03) halfpint: is it bad of me to hope my lil bro ends up short too so im not the only midget in the family

(15:03) mr. director: you’re not even that short

(15:03) halfpint: hakuba tells me im a volleyball midget  
(15:03) halfpint: brb someone’s at the door  
(15:06) halfpint: dude

(15:06) mr. director: what

(15:06) halfpint: my boyfriend is supreme

(15:06) mr. director: oh, no, he's a hypebeast

(15:06) halfpint: NO HE BOUGHR ME A HAPPY MWAL WITJ A TOY I WAS JUST SAYING HES AWWSOMW

(15:06) mr. director: oh, that’s considerably lamer but also considerably cuter than what i had imagined

(15:07) halfpint: fuck  
(15:07) halfpint: i have awesome taste in boyfriends

(15:07) mr. director: doesn’t everyone think that about themselves

(15:07) Yahaba: Yes

(15:07) halfpint: u dont count

(15:07) mr. director: hey… tbh ^

(15:07) Yahaba: Assholes

(15:07) mr. director: we still love you

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(20:57) Daddy: it’s so nice when u like the person u love

(20:57) Mommy: Yeah, I wouldn’t know anything about that.

(20:57) Daddy: stop it i’m ur favorite person to ever breathe

(20:57) Mommy: Okay, yes.

(20:57) Daddy: fuck i didn’t expect u to actually agree

(20:57) Mommy: Deal with it.

(20:57) Daddy: i feel like we could take over the world together

(20:58) Mommy: Same. That’s true love, right?

(20:58) Daddy: right ❤️❤️❤️ i fuckin love u akaashi keiji

(20:58) Mommy: Likewise, Miya Atsumu.

(20:58) Daddy: @halfpint and sachirou have absolutely nothing on us

(20:58) halfpint: okay but does ur bf get u happy meals and then entertain ur siblings so u can eat and brag abt it in peace

(20:58) Daddy: he makes me feel important and valid which is equivalent if not better

(20:58) halfpint: grrr

(20:58) Daddy: did u just fuckin growl at me over the internet

(20:59) halfpint: fuck yeah i did

(20:59) Daddy: i’m convinced u top

(20:59) halfpint: we still havent talked abt it

(20:59) Daddy: y not

(20:59) halfpint: bc its awkward

(20:59) Daddy: no lol just get him alone and get on ur knees it's easy

(20:59) halfpint: do u even exist  
(20:59) halfpint: who the fuck does that

(20:59) Mommy: Atsumu does.

(21:00) halfpint: legit  
(21:00) halfpint: he just got on his knees once u were alone

(21:00) Mommy: Yeah, pretty much.

(21:00) halfpint: k so that seems kinda simple but like how did u talk abt it

(21:00) Daddy: um  
(21:00) Daddy: has left The Spice Girls

(21:00) halfpint: bitch ik ur there

(21:00) Mommy: He just told me what he wanted.

(21:00) halfpint: what

(21:00) Mommy: He asked me to do what he wanted.

(21:01) halfpint: but if i tell sachirou that hes like i just did smth u wanted let me pick now

(21:01) Mommy: No, he asked me to facefuck him, Kourai.

(21:01) halfpint: .  
(21:01) halfpint: so u didnt mean literally

(21:01) Daddy: omg keiji does this mean i can talk about our sex life now

(21:01) Mommy: A little.

(21:01) halfpint: so i should just go hey lemme eat u out

(21:01) Daddy: worked for me

(21:01) halfpint: his ass looks delectable tbh wanna devour that

(21:01) Daddy: say thanks for the meal first

(21:02) halfpint: do u do that to keiji

(21:02) Daddy: it depends on the mood

(21:02) halfpint: ur bfs a fucking five course meal tbh

(21:02) Mommy: I’m right here.

(21:02) Daddy: tbh  
(21:02) Daddy: 99999999 course meal

(21:02) halfpint: fuck im gonna straight up ask sachirou if i can eat his ass  
(21:02) halfpint: lets hope he doesnt kill me

(21:02) Mommy: Good luck.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(00:28) halfpint: YALL HE SAID YES

(00:28) futanari: aren’t u a little too young to be tying the knot

(00:28) halfpint: AHAHAHA HES GONNA BE TYING THE KNOTS WHEN HE TIES ME DOWN TO HIS BED AFTERWARD ;))))))

(00:28) futanari: oh fuck i just read ur last convo  
(00:28) futanari: omg ur gonna be eating ass  
(00:28) futanari: do u know how

(00:29) halfpint: shi i didnt think abt that

(00:29) futanari: what i thought u wanted to eat his ass

(00:29) halfpint: ijus wanna go to town on it okay like idk abt technique or wtv i just figured u slip ur tongue in and hope he moans

(00:29) futanari: ya but u have to pay attention to the cock too if u rly wanna get him off and u can lick around his asshole and tease him instead of just fucking going for it

(00:29) halfpint: how should my tongue be

(00:29) futanari: tbh doesn’t matter give him variety

(00:29) halfpint: what do u like

(00:29) futanari: when he starts out with his tongue wide then goes pointed and traces the alphabet in my ass then penetrates and presses his tongue hard against the bottom of my ass when he slips out

(00:29) halfpint: @NaCl u hear that

(00:30) futanari: why thank u i was just abt to tag him

(00:30) halfpint: anyway thanks for the tutorial  
(00:30) halfpint: ill lyk how it goes if hes okay w that

(00:30) futanari: did u ask if he’s okay w u announcing that ur eating his ass to ten other ppl first

(00:30) halfpint: o  
(00:30) halfpint: LMAO and i oop

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(03:12) spice daddy: I HEARD ASS EATINF AND IM HERE

(03:12) mr. director: you have to be up early tomorrow, mister

(03:12) spice daddy: FINE MOM GN  
(03:12) spice daddy: (but @halfpint if u have any questions im here ;)))

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(06:18) Daddy: does @#1 eat komori’s ass

(06:18) #1: What the fuck is wrong with you?

(06:18) Daddy: IM SRY IM JUST SUPER CURIOUS BC UR A HYPOCHONDRIAC AND ALL

(06:19) Mommy: ^ Same.

(06:19) #1: Do you eat ass?

(06:19) Mommy: Yes.

(06:19) Daddy: babe i don’t think u were supposed to answer that one

(06:19) #1: ...We use a dental dam.

(06:19) Daddy: I KNEW IT I JNEW U WERE A FREAK

(06:19) #1: Okay, but if we all do it, can it really be that freaky?

(06:19) Mommy: Yes, this is a collective of freaks.

(06:19) #1: It was Motoya’s idea.

(06:19) NaCl: what the fuck did i just wake up to

(06:19) #1: You don’t want to know.

(06:19) NaCl: eating ass is a rite of passage

(06:20) Daddy: ^^^^  
(06:20) Daddy: what's it like eating ass w a dental dam

(06:20) #1: He seems to enjoy it since he keeps asking me to do it.

(06:20) Daddy: k but do u enjoy it

(06:20) #1: I am licking latex for a solid ten minutes and no less. What do you think?

(06:20) Mommy: You won’t die if you do it without the dental dam.

(06:20) #1: I take back any thoughts about you being good.

(06:20) Mommy: I’m sorry.  
(06:20) Mommy: But it really takes away from the experience of being close inside of him.

(06:20) #1: I thought you guys never used a dental dam.

(06:20) NaCl: atsumu hasn’t but apparently someone else has

(06:21) Mommy: It was much more enjoyable without the dental dam.

(06:21) #1: I really don’t see how removing it would amplify the experience.

(06:21) Mommy: Do you appreciate Motoya’s ass?

(06:21) #1: Akaashi.

(06:21) NaCl: do you?

(06:21) #1: I appreciate it enough.

(06:21) Mommy: Enough to want to eat it?

(06:21) #1: I really only eat because he asks me to.

(06:21) Daddy: that’s a PROBLEM

(06:22) #1: Stay out of my sex life, you fiend.

(06:22) Mommy: Excitement is key, Sakusa. You have to really appreciate his ass before you can enjoy eating ass.

(06:22) #1: I appreciate his ass, but making a meal out of it is weird.

(06:22) Mommy: You say that, but you know it feels good to have him tremble underneath you.

(06:22) Daddy: KEIJI

(06:22) #1: I suppose you’re right.

(06:22) Mommy: The convulsions are more amplified without the dental dam, and the moans start earlier.

(06:22) Daddy: keijistop now everyone knows im ur fucking bitch :(

(06:23) Mommy: They already knew that, but I’ll stop if it pleases you.

(06:23) Daddy: pls come over next weekend

(06:23) Mommy: :)

(06:23) NaCl: i can never look at akaashi the same now

(06:23) #1: ^

(06:23) NaCl: you either

(06:23) Mommy: Am I being shamed for eating ass?  
(06:23) Mommy: @spice daddy

(06:23) spice daddy: WHAT IS GOIGN ON

(06:23) NaCl: noooooooo never  
(06:23) NaCl: but fr i can’t look at you the same

(06:23) Mommy: I think you’ve had the wrong image of me this entire time.

(06:24) NaCl: i mean i kind of knew you ate ass  
(06:24) NaCl: but that you talk about it so openly

(06:24) spice daddy: same shook

(06:24) Mommy: I like talking about things I’m passionate about.

(06:24) Daddy: it’s so hot that ur passionate about eating my ass

(06:24) Mommy: :)

(06:24) spice daddy: kawanishi is so good at it

(06:24) NaCl: i know. i can hear you guys

(06:24) spice daddy: LMAO LIKE WEVE NEVER HEARD U

(06:24) NaCl: shut the fuck up

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(21:07) halfpint: guys that was fucking awesome

(21:07) Yahaba: What was

(21:07) halfpint: Bd:

(21:07) Yahaba: Is that supposed to be what I think it is

(21:07) halfpint: depends on what u think it is

(21:07) Yahaba: B = buttocks d = tongue : = eyes

(21:08) halfpint: ya thats exactly what it is

(21:08) Yahaba: Good job, halfpint

(21:08) halfpint: ;)))

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(17:03) NaCl: i’m bored help

(17:03) futanari: noooo don’t be bored ur so sexy aha

(17:03) NaCl: then come entertain me

(17:03) futanari: fuck yeah baby

(17:04) spice daddy: futafuta is gross

(17:04) Daddy: ^

(17:04) futanari: wtf did i do

(17:04) Daddy: noooo don’t be bored ur so sexy aha

(17:04) spice daddy: ^

(17:04) futanari: ITS JUSY A JOKEEEEE

(17:04) Mommy: Noooo, don’t roast Futakuchi. You’re so sexy aha.

(17:04) Daddy: wut

(17:04) NaCl: what just happened

(17:04) spice daddy: akaashis gross now too someone had to say it

(17:04) Daddy: noooo don’t be gross ur so sexy aha

(17:04) Mommy: @futanari and I will start a gross club.

(17:04) futanari: fuck yeah when’s the first meeting

(17:04) Mommy: After you eat Kenjirou’s ass, probably.

(17:04) futanari: akaashi that could be any time ;(

(17:04) Mommy: Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

(17:04) Daddy: can u eat my ass

(17:04) Mommy: Yeah.

 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

 

(20:42) 2.5braincells: I just went on a McDonald’s date with Kenjirou’s fake ex-boyfriend, and it sort of got me thinking about how incestous this chat is.

(20:42) Daddy: don’t say incest in the presence of people who have siblings smfh im gonna throw up

(20:42) NaCl: what do you mean by incestuous

(20:42) 2.5braincells: You all fuck the same people or each other.

(20:42) spice daddy: lmfao can u believe im not involved in this incestuous “all”

(20:42) 2.5braincells: You’re fucking Kenjirou’s best friend, so you’re loosely involved.

(20:42) spice daddy: hey ;(  
(20:43) spice daddy: taichi told me they never fucked

(20:43) NaCl: usuri, you’re a bitch

(20:43) Yahaba: No, you’re not. Keep going

(20:43) 2.5braincells: It appears that at least three of us have fucked Osamu, four of us have an intense attraction toward Keiji, two have fucked Atsumu, and two have fucked you, @NaCl. Isn’t that a little groupchat-incestuous?

(20:43) NaCl: stop it you’re making sense

(20:43) Yahaba: I’m not involved in this incest ring, right, Usuri?

(20:43) 2.5braincells: Not sexually, no.

(20:43) Yahaba: In that case, don’t stop it. You’re making sense

(20:43) NaCl: bitch, i’ll kill you

(20:43) 2.5braincells: Given Kenjirou’s sexual tendencies, I’d say we can accurately change every l in that statement to an s.

(20:43) futanari: that’s my bitch, bitch, i’ll kill you

(20:43) 2.5braincells: My previous statement still stands, except replace Kenjirou with futanari.

(20:43) halfpint: wooooooah  
(20:43) halfpint: thats two roasts in a row that im not involved in @Daddy HA im winning

(20:44) Daddy: ur terribly mistaken

(20:44) 2.5braincells: I don’t think Kourai is incestuous! He gets a gold star.

(20:44) Daddy: usuri who gave u the right when ur thirsting after ur best friends brother

(20:44) 2.5braincells: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS GROUPCHATS INTERMINGLING HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES?

(20:44) Daddy: shirabu

(20:44) futanari: let my slut live :(

(20:44) NaCl: yeah, why don’t we go back to roasting my whore?

(20:44) futanari: <3 ily baby

(20:44) NaCl: ily too <3

(20:44) 2.5braincells: Kenjirou and Futanari are the height of this groupchat’s incest!

(20:45) futanari: tbh yeah

(20:45) NaCl: kenji.

 

✿cue humongous time skip because I have no idea how to end a fucking chatfic✿

 

(08:14) futanari: graduashun  
(08:14) futanari:

 

(08:14) NaCl: same, but featuring terushima crying over his boyfriend  
(08:14) NaCl: 

(08:14) futanari: baby why u cryin

(08:14) Yahaba: ^ Yeah, this is fucking awesome  
(08:14) Yahaba: 

(08:14) NaCl: im not crying tsutomu is

(08:14) Daddy: y’all my babe came to see me graduate  
(08:14) Daddy: hes sittin there alone staring at me and i love him  
(08:14) Daddy: ooo he’s looking at his phone now

(08:15) Mommy: This is boring, and I think Usuri is here.

(08:15) 2.5braincells: Oh, no, you’ve caught me!

(08:15) everything nice: currently crashing ennos graduation to sixth wheel afterward

(08:15) halfpint: bitchez sit down sachirou and i win couple goals  
(08:15) halfpint: 

(08:15) Daddy: smh can’t believe i’m texting at graduation but if i can’t win w keiji then i’m using outside force

(08:15) Mommy: Excuse me, I thought we were going to take over the world?

(08:15) Daddy: we are but @#1 show us ur graduation pictures right this second

(08:16) Mommy: Oh, yes I would like to see those as well.

(08:16) #1:

(08:16) halfpint: f*ck thats cute shit

(08:16) spice daddy: GUSY IM GETTINF EMOTIONAL I LOVE U ALL WEBE BEEN FRIENSA FOR A YEAR THIA IS AMAZING IM SCREAMINF

(08:16) NaCl: shut up

(08:16) Yahaba: Aww, is booboo crying?

(08:16) futanari: wow great job terushima you made my boyfriend cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik they don't wear the weird ass gown and cap but I thought Futakuchi would look cute okay  
> and that’s all folks

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 🥰🤯💩


End file.
